Lowering Your Resolution Expectations

Being that this is my first entry of 2007, perhaps I should address all the new year's resolutions I intend to not fulfill this year.

But first, let me ask you all this: why is it that we, as humans, feel obligated to set these same unrealistic goals, year after year, in some disingenuous effort to better ourselves?

I suppose we feel compelled to maximize our potential as human beings and further extend our contributions to society. We want to be all that we can be, become the best possible versions of ourselves, and personify a million other tired motivational poster mantras.

On a side note, why do those posters always feature the same thrill-seeking activities that I will never experience and therefore, will never relate to? I could care less about reaching the top of the Andes, or whitewater rafting on the Colorado River.

I would much rather look at a poster that shows a dude brewing a pot of Folger's best whenever I'm looking for a motivational kick in the ass. That way, I know I'm doing something right for once in my life. I'm all about setting my goals within arm's reach.

Which brings us to my new year's resolutions for 2007. You may scoff at them for being trivial and borderline retarded (okay, full-on retarded), but we'll see who is laughing at the end of the year when I have successfully checked off all five resolutions on my list. Meanwhile, your over-achieving ass is still desperately trying to quit smoking/crack cocaine/non fat-free yogurt/excessive masturbation.

1) I will keep it real. This one may surprise you because I'm widely regarded as being the trillest cat on the block. But I'm embarrassed to say, sometimes I don't always keep it real, like those rare moments where I lie about my zodiac sign (because Geminis have all the fun) or that I really did see Grey's Anatomy last night (because it's, like, the best show ev-errr!).

2) I will eat more pancakes. I probably only have a measily three or four pancakes a year, and really, is that enough pancakes for one man? Fuck no, that's not even enough pancakes for one person in a single month. I used to think pancakes were an unnecessary luxury, but now I know I was living a lie. So look out Aunt Jemima, I'm about to put your country-ass to work, girl.

3) I will watch more Grey's Anatomy (refer to #1).

4) I will hate on more unsupecting douchebags. Our world is polluted with unsupecting douchebags. They're at the clubs/bars, shows, the mall -- everywhere. And while I have made a noble effort on hating on these individuals in the past, it's just not enough. This year, I will ensure there will be enough hate directed at douchebags to coin a new prejudicial term. (That said, "doucheism" sounds like the new celebrity "it" religion. I can already see Madonna, Britney and Brad proclaiming their sudden rebirth as "doucheists".)

5) I will rock the fuck out even more. Attending more than 70 shows this year, I rocked out at more than half of them. However, I deluded myself into believing that not even the most zealous of concert-goers can rock out at a Sigur Ros or an Iron & Wine show. Man, was I ever wrong. This year, whether I am watching Explosions In The Sky or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir -- rest assured, I will rock the fuck out.

Watch this

i didn't read everthing
i stopped at we as humans

stop there. hit reverse. and rethink whatever came after that.


sounds like you will be able to keep all of your resolutions!


Joanna Newsom is the new Loreena McKennit. (I don't even know what that means.)

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