The most ridiculous things I have heard at work... blog

So a lot of you know I wait tables to make extra money outside of school, and well... it makes me completely lose faith in humanity. So I've decided to keep track of the ridiculously dumb things people say/ask for at tables.

new as of this weekend:

Them (all under the age of eight): "HEY WAITER, HEY WAITER, CAN I GET SOME MORE _. WAITER WAITER WAITER." taps my arm to death
Me at another table taking someone elses order

Them: "Can I get this pasta but instead of scallions, can I get chicken?"
Me "Um, you can't replace chicken for scallions."
Them "But why NOT?!"
Me "Because scallions are green onions, you are most likely thinking of scallops."
Them "Blahblahblahsilly us"
Me smacks head

Them: "Yeah, can I get this pasta without the Brandy sauce? I can't have my baby getting drunk off of it."
rubs belly
Me ... ... ... (Srsly?!)

Overheard in a bathroom ( one drunk lady, one pregnant lady):
Them:"Oh yeah, I drank hard the first two months before I knew I was pregnant, I think dat's why mah first kid's so messed up."

I notice a table that just got up left a cellphone and their keys on the table, so I run after them (literally... run after them) to give them their stuff...
Them:"Thank you SO much, you are great. We made sure to leave you a good tip in there!"
Me:opens book, finds 2 dollar tip on 56

Them:"Do I get a free refill on the virgin strawberry daiquiri?"
Them:"Do I get a free refill on the virgin pina colada?"
Them:"Do I get a free refill on the fresh squeezed lemonade?"
Them:"Do I get a free refill on the juice?"
Them:"Are you sure?"
(this goes on.... for what seems like eternity)

I am asking a table what they want to drink...
Them: "I'm drinking liquor. No food, just liquor!"
Me:"Um, okay. What kind of liquor?"
Them:"Just liquor and cherries!"
Me:"... I'm sorry?"
Them: "Just liquor with three cherries on the top, they should know how to make it."
Me:"What kind of liquor?"
Them:"What do you mean?"
Me:"Clear, brown... what kind of liquor?"
Them:"Oh, vodka..."
So I bring this guy his vodka and cherries...
Them:"What is this?"
Me:"I didn't know exactly what you wanted, so I brought you smirnoff on the rocks with cherries."
Them:"Um, I wanted a Midori Sour."
Me:"... ... ... ... I'll be right back with it.... sir."

As I was trying to take a plate off the top of one of our appetizers (as we are supposed to)...
Them: "Don't TOUCH that plate!"
Me: "I'm sorry mam, we are just supposed to take that off for you because it is sometimes hot..."
Them:"I don't give a damn, I don't want YOU or anyone else like YOU taking this plate or touching it or ANYTHING."
Me:"... ... So sorry mam..." runs away and avoids table

Them:"Excuse me, what is your lemon breeze?"
Me: "That would be our homemade lemonade, sir."
Them: "And what does that taste like?"
Me:"... Lemonade, sir."
Them:"And what does that taste like?"
Me:"........... Lemons, sugar, and water.... sir."
Them:"Oh okay I'll have a coke."

Them: "What does cranberry juice taste like?"
Me:" .........................."

Them: "Do you guys have gator bites here?"
Me:"... No."
Them:"Any kind of alligator meat?"
Me:"No sir, this isn't florida."

Them: "Excuse me can I get a straw for my drink?"
Me:"Sure thing! You guys all ready to order?" proceeds to take everyone's order at the table...
Them: "Umm excuse me but I definitely asked for a straw and you didn't bring it to me yet."
Me:"Mam, I haven't left the table yet since you asked me that, but I will be right back with it."

Them:"Excuse me, but is the Bahama Mama refillable?"
Me:"No mam."
Them:"But it's a six dollar drink."
Me:"... It's an alcoholic drink, mam."
Them:"That's ridiculous."

Me:(Just greeting a table, that isnt even mine) "... And can I get you all started with something to drink?"
Them:"Excuse me miss, but are you down with the brown
proceeds to check me out from top to bottom"
Me: "Excuse me?!"
Them:"I saiiidddd are you DOWN with the BROWN?"
Me:"... Your server will be right with you."
proceeds to get molested by their eyes as I walk away

Them:"Have you heard that song from Katy Perry?"
Me:"Unfortunately, why do you ask?"
Them:"Well, I have this theory that every other girl has kissed another girl, and as my wife here has not, I am assuming you have... So have you?"
Me:"Well, this isn't awkward at all!"

Them:"Is the cuban sandwich any good?"
Me:"I personally don't eat ham but if you do it is really good."
Them:"Oh so if you are normal, then?"

i could remember more but i've had a ridiculous night.

Also worth noting:
-When people who say 'keep the change' literally mean keep the change, because they leave like, a dollar 25 on a 40 dollar tab. I've actually given people back their money before when they do that.
-People who refuse to hand you their cup when you need to refill it even though its out of reach then yell at you for reaching over them.

Watch this
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I used to own my own sign business, making everything from small name tags to giang neon-lit channel letters.

Them: Do you make signs?
Me: Yes.
Them: How much do they cost?


the first three are all from the same table... they left me 40 cents as a tip. that was the first time i actually almost quit.


Free refills on liquor drinks!!!

I don't see that working out too well for anybody.


that straw thing happened TONIGHT.


ha! "what does lemonade taste like".

the lysol i bought tonight is also lemon breeze.


i was a waiter for four years. it made me lose faith in humanity


Dude, people are assholes Chris. I get stiffed at least once a night.

and producer - I've been waiting tables for 5 years now.


i feel your pain kayce. more power to ya


Chris Imma punch you.
And I can't wait to never have to do this again. But it's helped me get through school, so bleh.


Cranberry juice tastes like liquid cranberries ma'am.
Also probably helps with your UTI.
Which is, I suppose why you are acting like such a horrid human being.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say things like that?

I once had a table that had like a $60 tab leave me a dollar. I fucking hated those people so hard.


The worst I've had was 3 dollars on a 200+ tab, that I couldnt add gratuity to because it wasn't enough people. I cried after that.


I also had a guy ask for change when he gave me a 100 dollar bill. It wouldnt have been so bad, but the tab was 96 dollars...



food service industry is a cruel cruel mistress.

leave her kayce. leave her now


People that tip like that should be forced to clean truck stop restrooms for a living.



so....are you down with the brown or not?


dammit kevin brown, you stole my thunder...kind of...


DaddyDom on Oct 05 '08 at 1:03am
so....are you down with the brown or not?

When I told everyone at work the table said that, that was their EXACT response. :P


producer - im in my last year of school, so hopefully it will be over soon, bleck.


I keep remember more and more, ahhh!


thank goodness. no one deserves that shit


What do you get paid an hour if you don't mind me asking?

I've worked Hospo for about 4 years in NZ, and a little in England. I really enjoy it for a while, and then it wears me out and I have to take a break for a time.

But now I've finished my schooling I'll never go back.


Yesterday, I had a guy with his 10 year old daughter walk up and ask what the going rate for a ten year old was. He meant as a joke, since I work in a homewares store, but the way he said it made him sound like he was pimping out his daughter. It was awkward...

And then they walked off.

This whole tipping business is kinda interesting- in NZ, it's not really done.


I love that last one.

Great response too.


We get paid half minimum wage an hour.

Servers in the US get around 2 - 3 dollars an hour, because they are (supposed to be) paid in tips.

We also have to tip other people out, the bar, food runners, server assistants, based off our sales. So when our sales are really high but our tips are low, we still have to tip out, and we leave with even less.


2 DOLLARS! Fuck that bollocks!

Man, that system is flawed. I used to be on around $12 an hour, and my boss had incentives, so if I sold more than $40 a head per person for a night I'd get an extra $5 an hour.

And tips where just bonuses that we spent behind the bar whenever the jar overflowed.


The ones I post keep reminding me of others so I keep adding more and more, this is bad.


Well its percentage here, 15% used to be the norm, but even 15 sucks now.

But where I work the clientele has started to suck and I've been making 10% and under a lot... it's just terrible.

Starrfold profile pic Alumni

Producer is right!! Get out while you can! Actually, I'm one to talk. I work at a restaurant. Once someone found a blade from the chopper for the chicken salad (sandwich) in their sandwich... It's amazing how people react (or don't react) when something THAT extraordinary happens... While the table next to them is freaking out that you forgot to bring them mayo for their burger. You learn a lot about humanity, for sure. And you learn a lot about yourself and how much you can actually tolerate.

Have you read "Waiter Rant" yet? It's a really good book, if you're a server or if you dine out a lot and just want to know more about, well, dining out. Some interesting points and plenty of witty humor.


ill have to check it out, starrfold!

also mitch, don't you have a waitress fetish?

thats a typo

Perudoesitbetterthanu profile pic Alumni

are you DOOOWWN with BROOOWWNN...thats awesome....well in the sense that someone is crazy enough to say that, sorry you have to deal with it.

what does cranberry juice taste like is a close second. haha.


he was SO SERIOUS about it too, ahhh!

i actually tried explaining to the girl what cranberry juice tastes like, and finally just told her if shes never had it to not get it.


this blog makes me happy

and i promise it's not entirely because you're suffering, kayce

i love you, i promise

Perudoesitbetterthanu profile pic Alumni


oh man, now i'm really sorry you have to deal with that. I dont know if I could put up with those inane questions.

to be honest I didnt anyone would even ask half the questions that are up there.


yeah peru, and thats not even half of them! i just can't remember them all right now, ahaha


don't forget the cat, chris

Perudoesitbetterthanu profile pic Alumni

haha well by the sounds of it you probably wont be running out of these for awhile. Unless you quit, which would be good for you as you wont have to answer/puzzle over such questions, but we wont be able to enjoy them.

which I do and I also cant wait to hear more.

also i dont want you to be unemployed.



i wish i would have started keeping up with these sooner.


"down with the brown" immediately made me think of awful scat sex

ups would be a welcomed alternative


that story also reminds me that i was walking home from class one day and as i was driving across the street, some guys rolled down their window to tell me "SHE GOTTA DONK!"

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