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(can't get ahead)

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wherein letters are written to unsavory situations.




dear doctors offices,


let me see if i understand you correctly. you would like me to accept that you took a year's worth of bills that you never told me i owed and have me pay them in two weeks? are you sure you don't just want it in one week? seeing as the fee is more than i can ever afford, you might as well be asking me to pay it today.


you could just send it straight to a collection agency. that's what my roommate's doctor does, and boy is it handy to not have to worry about ever having good credit. we'll never have to pay for trash and water, because we'll forever live in a tiny apartment where they pay it for us while we will be waiting for the next letter telling us the law wants our asses.


i'll be seeing you next tuesday (and every tuesday after that), when you will not speak to me about this and if i bring it up you will act like you have no idea what i'm talking about. i'll be bringing in the bills for that other chick that you keep sending me all her personal information because you are too stupid to fix the address.


sincerely,
chelly


more to come w/in the blog comments
please post your own too


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bsweber
bsweber profile pic Alumni

:(

chelly

dear customer service job,

i hate needing you the way i do.

i give you all my energy, time, peace of mind, and what is left of my soul. all you have ever given me is a huge ass, a prejudice toward certain international clients, and a social life that is limited to the office politics of who talks too much and the loudest during the day.

if you didn't have you sharp meat hooks of insurance and income shoved deep into my spine, this relationship would be over. in fact, i've been seeing another company by the name of threadless on the side for the last few years.

happy anniversary until next year,
chelly

pyr4lis
pyr4lis profile pic Alumni

aww poor chelly! That sucks! My mom has to deal with similar BS from dr's and disability etc.

You could probably use a kitten hug..

ISABOA
ISABOA profile pic Alumni

it is really bizarre - I just spent an hour and a half going over medical bills and setting up payment plans -

i feel your pain chelly

bites lower lip

chelly

dear allergies,

you're a tricky bugger! that was hilarious how you snuck up and made me allergic to everything inside and outside. and THEN, then, when you told me i was also allergic to all the food i ever loved, that was the best punchline ever.

in retaliation, please enjoy these weekly shots that don't seem to be doing a damn thing.

i'm so glad we can laugh at this now instead of on down the line.

you rock,
chelly

mezo
mezo profile pic Alumni

It's the Mexicans isn't it?

chelly

dear awkward relationship,

it will be okay. and if it isn't, it will still work out somehow. we've got another fifteen years to try every possible option.

chin up,
chelly

chelly

dear little girl at daycare who i hate,

quit being so mean to my son, because that makes him think it is okay to be mean. i don't care that you don't know that you are being mean. i don't care if there's something mentally/socially wrong with you. stop talking to my son, stop playing with my son, don't look at him and never breath in his direction. please insist that you parents take you to another daycare.

if you interact with me when i am picking him up from daycare again, i will injure you so fast that no one will believe that it happened.

very sincerely,
chelly

Johnny Baboon
Johnny Baboon profile pic Alumni

dear badly timed boner,

as i appreciate you in ways no one can understand, this is not the time or place. please if you would, reschedule for a time more conducive to our relationship.  

no harm no foul,
love johnny

ISABOA
ISABOA profile pic Alumni

Dear 85 degree temperatures

It was nice, I showed more skin, got a tan - but now - now where am I? Back home, 15 below, a hundred degree diffference. I think maybe I will think about moving one day - but for the time being suck it dickface.

Joe

chelly

dear blog,

this isn't solving anything or helping anyone. best case scenario, people who don't like you will continue to think you are a whiny bitch. let's just work on not doing this anymore. together we can make jokes that no one will laugh at. it's better this way.

ttfn,
chelly

chelly

haha yay johnny and isaboa

chelly

gross! haha, we have that problem w/ sippy cups at our house. yuck.

Lishy McLishums

Chelly, my son has two of those kids in his school. Fuck I wanna beat them....I mean. NO, I do want to beat them.

Dear Stupid Kids,

Wehn you come up to ME, a parent, and tell me that I am STUPID, I would really like to have words with your under educated folks and teach them and yourself a lesson or two. And I don't mean English or Math.

Call me stupid again and I'll show you just how stupid I can be when I pretend that my fist didn't land on your face!

Kindest Regards,
Jaeden's Mother.

ekaj47

dear vices,

i've had such great times with you over the last 10 years. you've always been there for me when i've been bored or about to have sex with that hot chick who needed a little extra insentive! but do you really need to cost so much? i mean its already expensive enough to live in southern california. do you really need to give me that gut i've never wanted? and why did you have to give my girlfriend that bad trip, now she doesnt like you as much as she used to and wants me to stop hanging out with you as much probably all together but i wont let her, you were here first and i'll always be there for you!

sniff sniff snort snort gulp gulp bubble bubble inhale? (not sure how to write a bong noise!)
jakester

bsweber
bsweber profile pic Alumni

Dear Severe Lack of Motivation,

If you insist on sticking around, please at least invite your friend, Wonderful Sense of Peace about Not Doing Anything.

Most regretfully yours,

Brett

Johnny Baboon
Johnny Baboon profile pic Alumni

dear booze,

my friend, you've helped through many a hard time, but last night when you told me to piss on the tim's couch, and then suggested a pantless, karaoke expedition around my apt complex at 3am, you may have lead me astray.

see you tonight,
love johnny

chelly

these are very awesome

mezo
mezo profile pic Alumni

Dear Johnny Babboon,

I'm coming over later. Buy extra booze.

xoxox,
mezo

Rambunkcious

dear bills,

please go away so i can get back on my feet and not be a broke ass hoe

up yours,
mallory

mad cat

dear friend who I work for,
I bust my ass for you, so try to be proffessonal, ok? And when I tell you I know what I'm doing, please trust that I do. Also, when you say that you don't need me or any of your band members, it huts our feelings and we cry. We all want to work/play with you and wish you felt the same way, and said so occationally.
If cutting the tour down by two gigs would mean more of the band could come, please consider it, ok? bc we are your band.
thanks,
-m

Rambunkcious

dear unresponsible dog owners,

please stop taking your asshole of an unfixed dog to the dog park, nobody likes you and our dogs dont want to be raped because your dog still has his balls an no manners, also please stop smoking at the dog park just because it is outside doesnt mean you can drop your butts and put them out in the ground so that someones dog might eat them and make them sick, take your white trash hill billy no teeth having crap somewhere else

kickin your ass soon,
mallory

Lishy McLishums

Dear Skin,

Can you please refrain from leaving me a suprise whenever you know that I have something special to do and there will be tons of pictures taken. It isn't fair and you know I cover you up whenever you rear your ugly head, so I ask you...'What is the point?'

And really, when you know I am going out dancing and in the mood to pick up boys, who do you think you are trying to ruin my night?! Who??

Please leave me alone forever,

Thank you,
The Face you reside upon

mad cat

ps, we don't tell you we cry bc we are professional. Just wanted to point that out.

Tonteau
Tonteau profile pic Alumni

Are you ok, chelly?

Rambunkcious

dear chelly,

you are awsome i heart you

love,
mallory

dacat
dacat profile pic Alumni

These are kinda sad, but great also...I'll have to think of some

wullagaru
wullagaru profile pic Alumni

dear student loans

yes I know I have to pay you and will have to pay you well into my retirement so if I miss a payment please dont hound my ass like I just kicked your dog into oncoming traffic

thanks a bunch

mad cat

this is my bnew favorite game!!

dacat
dacat profile pic Alumni

dear lactose-intolerant stomach

Why did you do this to me? First you tease me with ice cream, pizza, lattes, milk with cereal when I was younger, then all of a sudden you put me in really embarrassing fart and "I have to go really bad" situations that I had no clue about until I figured it out. Now I have to take pills whenever I want a frickin' piece of cake and act like a whiny bitch at restaurants asking if there is dairy in everything.

A-hole!

helo

Dear Sailor Jerry,

Give chelly some room, OK? She has to get some
things done right now and you keep trying to get into
her. Now just stop it!

your designated driver,

helo

ekaj47

dear shitty sales lady named andie

usually guy names on chicks can be attractive - you fail to acheive that. you also fail at being a sales person by not filling out forms correctly - you set in motion a chain of events that will eventually make everyone do the work twice. stop it. if you cant do your simple job of filling in the blanks as a customer talks to you this might not be the job for you. i'm sure your really good at something, what we both dont know. i will only get more angry and more mean as this keeps happening. thanks for ruining my week consitantly.

the art guy

lenabean

dear ability to comprehend chemistry,

hey, how are you? we havent talked in a while. or, ever in fact. i dont even know if you exist but lets think of this as my 'letter to santa' that i never got to write (being jewish). please contact me somehow, even if it is to say that you are out of work, just so i know.

sincerely,

lena

mezo
mezo profile pic Alumni

Dear Short Attention Span,

I KNOW Threadless Blog and Bloggers are irresistable and I realize there is a huge window behind you that is interesting to look out and I can understand you get bored easily but could you PLEASE settle down a little so I can get this cockamamie Surfer Girl drawn for work?

HEY!
PAY ATTENTION!

- mezo

chelly

these are giving me wicked smiles in a way i haven't in a long time

milingmai

dear head
stop giving me sudden dizziness and moving black spots in my left eye.
thank you very much.




oh and more endorphine would be nice aswell.

the czar

Dear Casual office clothing,

I never thought I would have to wear you, so please don't hate me because I'm uncomfortable, and don't use you properly. Also, please stop making all my buds in the warehouse stop laughing at me! I didn't seek or ask for the promotion, so please cut me some slack.

Sincerely,

Mr. I miss my flannels

chelly

dear almost-talented self,

so far you've done choir, photography, psychology, layout, craft, loogie-launching, fire-building, sales, esp, comedy and a long list of stints that only lasted a few days. i am submitting you into the hall of the unfamous. please feel free to bring a friend.

rsvp

-chelly

Tonteau
Tonteau profile pic Alumni

Dear booze,


Please magically disappear from my body as I sleep and leave me fresh for work tomorrow.

Word,

T-Money.

Lishy McLishums

Dear Boy from the 8th Floor,

I've seen the corny way you smile at me when you think I'm half looking in your direction and I know that you've seen me grin back. I really dislike the jeans you wear, and your hair cut, but I love how you say 'Cheers' when I thank you for holding the elevator for my slow ass.

Srsly though....WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU TALK TO ME???

Grow a left nut...if not both, just one.

Thank you kindly,
Chick from the 15th Floor

helo

Dear hypocritical family members,

It's nice to hear from you when holidays come around
and knowing you thought of me to invite me over.
Could it be that you want things to appear as if there
aren't any elephants in the room? Could it be that you
want outsiders to think our family is just rosy and
hunky dory?

You could go ahead and save the minutes on your cell
phone by not calling me since you know I won't come
over no matter how many times you ask. Let's try
actually getting together and discussing the deep
problems we have before pretending for others. That's
not as fun as eating in front of people we're trying to
impress, is it?

Happy Holidays,

your son and grandson

littlem

dear johnny baboon,
i'm coming over, too.
please buy extra extra booze.

love,
m

littlem

dear everyone who is going to johnny's house,

please bring all kinds of foodz. i have a voracious appetite!

see you soon!
m

littlem

p.s. i'll bake cookies, too.

aled
aled profile pic Alumni

Johnny Baboon on Jan 17 '08 at 5:41pm
dear badly timed boner,


I laughed before I read any more than that. Then I read it then I laughed more.

Ian Leino
Ian Leino profile pic Alumni

Dear clients who decide to radically change the art direction of a project after I've already days of work on an initial draft:

I am sure there are reasons why I shouldn't want to punch you - please give me at least one.

Pugilistically yours,
the freelancer

chelly

dear people who go to the same 4-way stop every single morning for the last two years,

can we make an official decision?
-who ever gets there first goes first
-north/south then east/west
-right of way
-balls out chaos

the fact that we all do this repeatedly makes me think that our chances of survival are eventually going to run slim. also, i think my driver is considering buying a gun.

we can do this,
chelly

dacat
dacat profile pic Alumni

dear drivers who don't signal,

I don't have goddamn ESP and I know if I hit you in the back, it's automatically my fault, so fuck you for braking suddenly and not using your damn turn signal cuz it's so hard to flick a switch for 2 seconds. Oh I forget, you can't signal because you are holding a goddamn phone and eating at the same time.

Sincerely,
Road rager with shotgun

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