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I totally went off on my husband.

I feel like an ass, but I'd been holding on to a lot of this for the entirety of our marriage (nearly 12 years).


His mom and step-mom basically did everything for him as far as cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. Now it's sort of assumed I'll just do everything. On top of working a full-time job and taking care of our two girls.


I finally had a blow-up moment last night (as usual he was sitting on the couch, watching TV) as I was trying to clean up a pan that had come out of the dishwasher less-than-clean. The house was a pit, stuff fell off the counter, one of the girls got her comb in a wad of toothpaste, and I'm the only one doing anything.


I left the house. Drove for like 45 minutes. Came home. He's in the bedroom hanging up clothes. The only time he does something like this is when I'm mad.


So, today I emailed him that we needed to talk tonight and he agreed, saying with how I acted all mad last night it was obvious. So I just let it all out, right there, in the reply email.


Ugh. I don't even want to go home to this crap again. And by 'this crap', I mean laundry and dirty dishes and toys and stuff everywhere and no one doing anything but me.


Damn it, mothers of boys, you are SCREWING your future daughters-in-law over.

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bcrider

Me too. I didn't want to do that, but it's been stuck in a bottle forever, and that CAN'T be good...

ISABOA
ISABOA profile pic Alumni

oh no!

he's gotta clean his act up

you just gotta also let him know your frustrations as you go and not let them be bottled up. that is not healthy or productive

bcrider

I know, Joe. And now it's out in the open. So hopefully after tonight everything will be better.

Seriously, I'm so sick of TV I wish someone would break into our house and steal all of them.

squintygirl

I'm kind of in the same situation as you, except my husband is not physically capable of many household tasks. I see far too many able-bodied men not lift a finger because their mums coddled them so much, and it makes me angry.

I'm sorry, it just really sucks. :(

I'm sure he's a super guy otherwise.

ISABOA
ISABOA profile pic Alumni

get rid of it.

We got rid of our tv years ago and it was the best thing we ever did. I hate tv. now when everything is done and we have free time we watch a movie...

gumbolimbo
gumbolimbo profile pic Alumni

Just throw the telly out then. why not?

courtney pie

:( dude, I hear that. I had an old roommate whose mom did all that shit for him. Moms do not realize how badly they mess up their sons sometimes.

Lets go out for afternoon margaritas and vent about men!

ISABOA
ISABOA profile pic Alumni

or better yet put a bat right through the screen

that would feel awesome

squintygirl

My mum never let my brother lift a finger when we were growing up, and now she doesn't understand why he's become such a clueless and obtuse man.

gumbolimbo
gumbolimbo profile pic Alumni

^ in front of your husband. That'll make impact

ISABOA
ISABOA profile pic Alumni

also, .. I have known and currently know many slobby ladies who don't lift a finger around the house

not just limited to the guys...

bcrider

squintygirl on Jul 19 '10 at 3:00pm I'm kind of in the same situation as you, except my husband is not physically capable of many household tasks. I see far too many able-bodied men not lift a finger because their mums coddled them so much, and it makes me angry.

I'm sorry, it just really sucks. :(

I'm sure he's a super guy otherwise.

I can identify with that, a bit, because I have fibromyalgia. I'm doing what I can, but it hurts and I'm exhausted. And yeah, Brent is an amazing guy; it's just like he's permanently 13 in the chores department. He loves to mow the lawn and does that (I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to use his zero-turn mower; it's his favorite toy), and will put away his clothes if they're folded. But that's where it ends.

Esta and Joe, I would do it, but I'd have to have his support in the matter, and that will never happen. He watches it from the time he gets home until we go to bed, and at least 6 hours each weekend day. I swear he's addicted.

Chipmnk

Poop, I'm sorry.

And my mom, though helping to clean up and all, still instilled in me a sense of independence. College really helped me understand how much I took her for granted, and sure, I'm not the cleanest person but I still try to keep things as clean as possible.

Especially clothes. Laundry is my thing.

mezo
mezo profile pic Alumni

Women are raising tittybabies.

bcrider

courtney pie on Jul 19 '10 at 3:01pm :( dude, I hear that. I had an old roommate whose mom did all that shit for him. Moms do not realize how badly they mess up their sons sometimes.

Lets go out for afternoon margaritas and vent about men!

I totally would! If... I wasn't stuck in Indiana. LOL

ISABOA on Jul 19 '10 at 3:02pm or better yet put a bat right through the screen

that would feel awesome

I've fantasized about that, actually...

And yes, I know plenty of women that are the same way... but they don't live in my house!!! XD

bcrider

Chipmnk on Jul 19 '10 at 3:05pm Poop, I'm sorry.

And my mom, though helping to clean up and all, still instilled in me a sense of independence. College really helped me understand how much I took her for granted, and sure, I'm not the cleanest person but I still try to keep things as clean as possible.

Especially clothes. Laundry is my thing.

I WILL PAY YOU $100 AN HOUR TO HELP ME WITH LAUNDRY OMG.

V1ctorya

At least you finally told him what's bothering you! Just be honest and open.

littlem

i'm lucky that my husband does a lot around the house.

courtney pie

I'll be right over. I've never been to Indiana.

ISABOA
ISABOA profile pic Alumni

or you could sell the tv on craigslist and then hire a house cleaner to help you get everything spotless... it is easier to maintain once it is all dialed in

bcrider

I know, I know... I spent a lot of my growing-up years being told that I was overly-sensitive and needed to just keep quiet, and so much of that is still stuck there. I need to be better about it.

bcrider

courtney pie on Jul 19 '10 at 3:09pm I'll be right over. I've never been to Indiana.

We have a tractor!!!

bcrider

See, the thing is, Joe, that with two people keeping the house up, there should never be a need for outside help! But yeah... I'd love to hire someone for a whole day.

bygrinstow
bygrinstow profile pic Alumni

when I was like 8 my mom had back surgery and my dad had to take over doing vacuuming and laundry and stuff like that (not that he never ever did it before, but it was mostly my mom doing it). That was good for me, 'cause I just internalized that even if I wasn't doing vacuuming at 8, someday I'd be doing vacuuming, etc....

bcrider

littlem on Jul 19 '10 at 3:08pm i'm lucky that my husband does a lot around the house.

Heck yeah! Give that boy a big ol' smooch!

ginetteginette
ginetteginette profile pic Alumni

ugh this is an awful situation but i think these comments are awful too! insinuating that men acting like they are above women is their mother's fault? terrible. do not blame moms, these guys are just lazy assholes in need of a wakeup call.

sure if they were coddled when little that explains selfish behavior as a child but they're adults now.

Chipmnk

I WILL PAY YOU $100 AN HOUR TO HELP ME WITH LAUNDRY OMG.

OMG I'LL BE RIGHT OVER!!!

bcrider

bygrinstow on Jul 19 '10 at 3:11pm when I was like 8 my mom had back surgery and my dad had to take over doing vacuuming and laundry and stuff like that (not that he never ever did it before, but it was mostly my mom doing it). That was good for me, 'cause I just internalized that even if I wasn't doing vacuuming at 8, someday I'd be doing vacuuming, etc....

Funny thing; back when I was in the hospital a lot (before I came to Threadless), the stuff was always done in the house; I never questioned it, thought he was doing it all (and felt bad about it to boot). Didn't find out until this year that his mom had come down every week night after she got off work an hour away and cleaned and did laundry.

ISABOA
ISABOA profile pic Alumni

absolutely. you know breaking up responsibilities into defined chores that never change is a great way to do things.

thats how we do it in our house

I do all the bathroom cleaning, I do the floors (all the vacuuming and mopping) and unload the dishes and I cook about half the time. My kids have their chores and my wife has hers and if any of us slack in our areas then we all ridicule that person incessantly.. it works great

littlem

ha, B! he knows he's appreciated!

bcrider

ginetteginette on Jul 19 '10 at 3:12pm ugh this is an awful situation but i think these comments are awful too! insinuating that men acting like they are above women is their mother's fault? terrible. do not blame moms, these guys are just lazy assholes in need of a wakeup call.

sure if they were coddled when little that explains selfish behavior as a child but they're adults now.

I'd agree with this if his mom and step-mom weren't doing his laundry every weekend during COLLEGE.

bygrinstow
bygrinstow profile pic Alumni

ISABOA on Jul 19 '10 at 3:13pm

makes notes to add ridicule to routine

bcrider

I need to start a Threadless cleaning crew. Everyone's required to wear Threadless shirts. Who wants toilets?

rhythmdev9

my wife is the majority bread winner and i work from home so I do a good deal of the house work... my mom was also the majority bread winner but my dad did very little around the house and i saw it strain their relationship from time to time...

i guess what I've found is that agreements did to be made and stuck to... communication become the key i suppose...

i know thats way harder than it sounds

littlem

my 10 year old is dying to clean the toilets. i haven't let him do it yet! wtf is wrong with him?? hahaha

bcrider

LOL

It's all good, Ginette; I didn't find out about that until much later, too.

The broken-family thing basically gave him the opportunity to pit parent against step-parent and he abused the heck out of it. :D

tracerbullet
tracerbullet profile pic Alumni

laundry is totally my bitch. so is cleaning dishes.

i fear that i'll never meet a girl as neat and organized as i am. that's not to say i'm OCD or anything, but i absolutely hate living in a mess. which is why i can't wait to move into my own apartment and not live with my brother anymore.

bcrider

Matt, my hubby makes way more money than me; that's why I've kept it to myself for so long. But with me in some type of pain most of the time and the both of us working the same hours, I don't see where the dollar signs have much to do with it anymore. But yeah, we'll have to figure something else out!

bcrider

I think Brian and Alvin need to move in with us. You guys could share like 75% of the basement.

courtney pie

I'll pick up some red boots to wear while we play on the tractor and teach the local kids how to dance. Because it's okay to dance and listen to music!

bcrider

hums theme from Footloose

spacesick 2

ginetteginette on Jul 19 '10 at 3:15pm :(!

bygrinstow
bygrinstow profile pic Alumni

I want to hear how this works out... because it should work out well.

Chipmnk

Oh man, fact: I'd rather clean up a bathroom than a kitchen.

I think a messy kitchen is grosser than a messy bathroom.

bcrider

I won't leave y'all hanging. I'll let you know. :)

bcrider

See, I love cleaning up the kitchen. It's this huge space (well, for me, anyway) and when it's clean it's totally amazing. I'm getting a hankering for some kitchen time. I'll take before and after pics. We have stuff everywhere because we moved our girls downstairs into a larger bedroom and retook their room as our den again.

tracerbullet
tracerbullet profile pic Alumni

fact: there will never be a messy kitchen in my apartment

spacesick 2

actually, marriage sounds like a lot of fun. where do I sign up?!

and what are 3 things I should know before I take the plunge?

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