http://www.threadless.com/ Fri, 17 Feb 2012 09:40:01 -0600 Thu, 12 May 2011 15:14:38 -0500 BROS,

LET ME JUST SAY THAT DESIGN #6 IS LOOKIN' PRETTY FUCKIN' SPECTACULAR SO FAR. THE ONE AND ONLY, MR ROCKS IS THE ARTIST AND HE'S TOTALLY KILLIN' IT. NO DOUBT IN MY MIND THAT IF YOU LIKE THE OTHER FIRESTORM DESIGNS, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS ONE.

ANYWAY, WE NEED A HOT CHICK TO MODEL THE DESIGN. THE ONLY REQUIREMENT IS THAT YOU'RE WEARIN' A BLANK, BLACK T-SHIRT AND LOOKIN' BADASS. SO, IF YOU'RE A HOT CHICK AND YOU WANT TO BE FUCKIN' IMMORTALIZED IN A FIRESTORM DESIGN PRESENTATION, THEN SEND ME AN E-MAIL: DICKFIRESTORM@GMAIL.COM

IF YOU GOT QUESTIONS, JUST AXE.

- DICK FIRESTORM]]> Mon, 06 Dec 2010 14:52:03 -0600 BROS, A FEW WEEKS AGO, I WENT OVER TO KENNY'S TO DRINK SOME PBRS. STANDARD PROCEDURE... WE DRINK A SIX PACK EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT AND THEN GO TO THE LOCAL BAR AFTER THAT FOR THE FUCKIN' WEDNESDAY NIGHT DRINK SPECIALS. IT'S WIN WIN.

ANYWAY, WHEN I WAS AT KENNY'S, I WENT TO CHUCK AN EMPTY CAN IN THE TRASH AND I NOTICED ALL THESE EMPTY MCDONALD'S FRIES THINGS IN THERE. I TURNED TO KENNY AND I WAS ALL, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, BRO? DON'T YOU PLAY THE MOTHERFUCKIN' MONOPOLY GAME? YOU WIN FREE PRIZES AND SHIT."

SEE, KENNY JUST EATS THE FUCKIN' FRIES AND DOESN'T PEEL OFF THE GAME PIECES. ANYWAY, THERE WERE THREE FRIES THINGS IN THERE SO I GRABBED 'EM ALL AND PULLED OFF THE PIECES. KENNY JUST SAT THERE DRINKIN' HIS PBR, BUT THEN I WALKED UP TO HIM AND I WAS ALL, "BRO, YOU JUST MADE THE BIGGEST FUCKIN' MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE." THEN I SHOWED HIM A WINNING GAME PIECE FOR A FREE FUCKIN' MEDIUM FRIES. KENNY SPIT HALF HIS BEER OUT WHEN HE SAW IT AND TRIED TO WRESTLE THE GAME PIECE FROM ME. HE WAS ALL, " THAT'S MINE, FIRESTORM!" AND I WAS ALL, " FUCK YOU, BRO! YOU THREW IT AWAY."

ANYWAY, A COUPLE DAYS LATER, I WENT TO MCDONALDS AFTER WORK. PARKED MY CAR AND WENT INSIDE. I SLAMMED THE GAME PIECE ON THE COUNTER AND I WAS ALL, "READ IT AND WEEP, BRO." THE DUDE BEHIND THE COUNTER LOOKED AT THE PIECE AND WAS ALL, "SORRY, SIR. THE MONOPOLY GAME IS OVER." I WAS ALL, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, BRO? I WON FREE FUCKIN' FRENCH FRIES." THEN HE WAS ALL, "YOUR GAME PIECE IS EXPIRED. NOW, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY MONOPOLY HERE AT MCDONALD'S YOU NEED TO PLAY BY THE RULES. SO YOU CAN EITHER PURCHASE THE MEDIUM FRIES, OR TAKE A RIDE ON THE READING."

THAT'S WHEN I LEAPED OVER THE COUNTER, GRABBED THE DUDE BY THE NECK AND MARCHED HIM OVER TO THE DEEP FRIER. I PUSHED HIS HEAD DOWN JUST INCHES AWAY FROM THE BOILING OIL AND I WAS ALL, "GIVE ME THE FUCKIN' FRIES, BRO." TWO WORKERS QUICKLY RAN OVER AND FILLED UP A BIG PAPER BAG WITH FRIES AND HANDED IT TO ME. THE WHOLE PLACE WAS SILENT. AS I LEAPED BACK OVER THE COUNTER, I STUFFED SOME FRIES IM MY MOUTH, POINTED AT THE PETRIFIED MANAGER AND I WAS ALL, "DO NOT PASS GO, BRO."

ON THE WAY OUT TO THE PARKING LOT, SOME CHICK WHO WORKED AT MCDONALD'S RAN OUT AFTER ME. SHE WAS ALL, "YOU WERE AMAZING IN THERE. MY MANAGER IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE." FLASH FORWARD FIVE MINUTES LATER AND I'M DRIVIN' MY TRANS-AM HOME, SHOVIN' FRENCH FRIES IN MY FACE AND GETTIN' A KNOBJOB AT THE SAME TIME. THE MONOPOLY GAME AT MCDONALD'S IS SOLID, BROS! SOLID.


]]> Thu, 23 Sep 2010 12:32:10 -0500 BROS,

A WHILE BACK I POSTED A BLOG ABOUT MY BRO, MIKE DISNEY. IN CASE YOU FORGOT, MIKE DISNEY'S MOM GAVE ME FREE PASSES TO DISNEYLAND FOR SAVIN' HER SON FROM GETTIN' HIS ASS KICKED. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO LAST MAY, BUT KENNY COULDN'T GET AN EXTRA DAY OFF WORK. ANYWAY WE FINALLY GOT IT TOGETHER. ME, KENNY AND MIKE BOUGHT PLANE TICKETS AND FLEW OURSELFS OUT THERE LAST WEEKEND. I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A DISNEY PARK BEFORE, AND I AIN'T EVER GOIN' BACK SINCE WE ALL GOT FUCKIN' BANNED AND SHIT. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED...

WE GOT TO DISNEYLAND ON SATURDAY MORNIN'. MIKE DISNEY HAD BEEN OUT THERE WITH HIS FAMILY LIKE EVERY YEAR WHEN HE WAS GROWIN' UP SO HE
SAID HE WAS GONNA SHOW US THE ROPES AND SHIT. SO WE GO THROUGH THE GATES AND START WALKIN' DOWN MAIN STREET. RIGHT AWAY, MIKE
FUCKIN' DISNEY STARTS STRUTTIN' AROUND LIKE HE FUCKIN' OWNS THE PLACE. HE WAS POINTIN' AT EVERY LITTLE THING HE SAW AND TELLIN' ME AND KENNY POINTLESS FUCKIN' TRIVIA ABOUT IT. KENNY TOLD MIKE TO, "CHILL OUT, BRO" LIKE FIVE TIMES BEFORE WE EVEN GOT HALFWAY DOWN THE STREET. THEN AS WE WERE WALKIN' BY SOME GIFT SHOP, THIS SMOKIN' HOT CHICK DRESSED LIKE SNOW WHITE WALKS OUT. MIKE DISNEY STOPPED IN HIS TRACKS. HE WAS ALL,"CHECK THIS OUT, FIRESTORM!" THEN HE YELLS OUT, "HEY SNOW WHITE! LET'S SEE SOME TITTIES!" BROS, YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE LOOK ON SNOW WHITE'S FACE. SHE STOOD THERE IN SHOCK FOR A MINUTE AND THEN SIGNALED OVER TO SOMEONE IN THE GIFT SHOP. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, TWO DUDES FROM SECURITY COME OUT AND GRAB MIKE DISNEY BY EACH ARM AND START TAKIN' HIM AWAY.

MIKE LOOKED AT ME AND KENNY WITH A TOTALLY FUCKIN' HORRIFIED LOOK ON HIS FACE. YOU COULD TELL HE WAS UPSET THAT WE WERN'T FOLLOWIN' HIM. AS THEY DRAGGED HIM AWAY, I SAID, "SEE YA BACK THE THE HOTEL, DIPSHIT." IT WAS RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT THAT THEY GOT MIKE DISNEY THROUGH SOME DOOR AND IT CLOSED WITH A LOUD, METAL BANG. THEN, ONE OF THE SECURITY DUDES CAME BACK AND TOLD US THAT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR WASN'T FUCKIN' TOLERATED AT DISNEYLAND AND THAT OUR FRIEND WASN'T GONNA BE ALLOWED BACK IN. THEN HE TOLD ME I NEEDED TO TURN MY "LAST FUCKIN' UNICORN" SHIRT INSIDE OUT. HE WAS ALL, "BOSOMS AREN'T FOR CHILDREN." NORMALLY, IF SOMEONE SAID SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT TO ME I WOULD HAVE BASHED HIS FACE IN, BUT I HAD NEVER BEEN TO FUCKIN' DISNEYLAND BEFORE AND WE HAD ONLY BEEN THERE FOR LIKE TEN MOTHER FUCKIN' MINUTES. SO I PULLED MY SHIRT OFF REAL QUICK AND PUT IT BACK ON INSIDE OUT.

AS WE WERE WALKIN' AWAY, I LOOKED BACK. THE SECURITY DUDE WAS STANDIN' WAY BACK THERE JUST STARIN' AT US. I TOLD KENNY WE NEEDED TO WATCH OURSELFS IF WE WERE GONNA GO ON ALL THE KICKASS RIDES. SO WE MADE THAT HAPPEN FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS. WE WENT ON A BUNCH OF SOLID RIDES, BROS. SPLASH MOUNTAIN, THUNDER MOUNTAIN, PIRATES OF THE FUCKIN' CARRIBEAN AND THE JUNGLE CRUISE. AFTER THAT, WE SAT DOWN TO GET SOMETHIN' TO EAT. CHECK IT OUT, BROS... WHILE ME AND KENNY WERE WOLFIN' DOWN BBQ CHICKENS, THESE TWO HOTASS BLONDE CHICKS SAT DOWN AT THE TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO US. THEY HAD BBQ CHICKENS TOO AND THEY BOTH KEPT LOOKIN' OVER AND AND SMILIN' AT US AND SHIT. AFTER A COUPLE MINUTES, I LOOKED OVER AT ONE OF 'EM AND I WAS ALL, "HEY BRO, YOU GOT BARBECUE SAUCE ALL OVER YOUR FACE. IT'S TOTALLY FUCKIN' HOT." THAT'S WHEN THEY PUSHED THEIR TABLE UP TO ME AND KENNY'S AND INTRODUCED THEMSELFS. THEIR NAMES WERE MADISON AND BRIDGET.

BROS, BOTH OF THESE CHICKS WERE TOTALLY FUCKIN' SOLID, SO WE HUNG OUT WITH 'EM. WE ALL WALKED AROUND THE PARK AND TALKED FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND THEN WE SAW THIS BIG, FUCKED UP BUILDING WITH ALL KINDS OF CRAZY FUCKIN' SHIT ON IT. BRIDGET WAS ALL, "WHAT RIDE IS THAT? WE SHOULD GO ON THAT!" KENNY PULLED OUT HIS LITTLE DISNEYLAND MAP AND LOOKED IT UP. I POINTED ON THE MAP AND SAID, "IT'S A SMALL FUCKIN' WORLD AFTERALL AND SHIT." SO WE WENT ON IT. I THOUGHT THE RIDE SUCKED ASS. IT WAS LIKE THEY WANTED TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SEEM TOTALLY CAREFREE AND HAPPY AND SHIT. THAT AIN'T THE WAY IT WORKS, BROS. THE WHOLE TIME, I SAT ON THE RIDE WITH MY ARMS FOLDED AND A TOTALLY FUCKIN' SERIOUS EXPRESSION ON MY FACE. BRIDGET LIKED IT THOUGH, AND SHE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK EVERYTIME SHE SAW SOMETHIN' SHE THOUGHT WAS CUTE OR WHATEVER. KENNY AND MADISON WERE MAKIN' OUT THE WHOLE TIME AND TOWARDS THE END, KENNY GOT MADISON TO TAKE HER TOP OFF. BAD IDEA, BROS. AS SOON AS WE GOT TO THE END OF THE RIDE, THE MOTHERFUCKIN' DISNEY POLICE WERE WAITIN' AND KENNY AND MADISON GOT TOSSED OUT.

ME AND BRIDGET STAYED UNDER CONTROL FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS AND WENT ON MORE RIDES. SPACE FUCKIN' MOUNTAIN WAS TOTALLY KILLER, BROS! WE DID THAT ONE TWICE. LATER ON, WE HEARD PEOPLE TALKIN' ABOUT FIREWORKS ABOUT TO START AND SHIT. WE WERE NEAR THE MONORAIL PLATFORM AND BRIDGET WAS ALL, "WE SHOULD GO UP THERE AND WATCH." SO WE WENT UP THERE AND STOOD BY THE RAILING. AS SOON AS THE FIREWORKS STARTED, BRIDGET STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND WE MADE OUT. HER HAIR SMELLED LIKE STRAWBERRIES, BROS. IT WAS SOLID. BUT THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I FEEL SOMEONE POKIN' ME IN THE BACK. I OPENED MY EYES AND TURNED AROUND AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER TIGGER WAS STANDIN' THERE.

TIGGER HAD BOTH OF HIS HANDS IN FRONT OF HIS MOUTH AND HE WAS JUMPIN' AROUND PRETENDIN' TO BE LAUGHIN' AND SHIT. I LOOKED AT HIM WITH WITH A TOTALLY STRAIGHT FACE AND SAID, "TAKE IT EASY, BRO." THEN I TURNED BACK AROUND AND STARTED MAKIN' OUT WITH BRIDGET AGAIN. THEN, A FEW SECONDS LATER, I FEEL MY SUNGLASSES BEIN' LIFTED OFF MY HEAD. I TURN AROUND AND TIGGER IS HOLDIN' 'EM IN HIS HAND AND JUMPIN' AROUND LIKE A JACKASS. STILL PRETENDIN' TO BE LAUGHIN'. WITHOUT EVEN THINKIN', I DECKED TIGGER IN THE FACE, SNATCHED THE GLASSES BACK AND PUSHED HIM BACK AS HARD AS I COULD, ALL THE WHILE SAYIN', "YOU KNOW WHAT? GO FUCK YOURSELF!" IT FELT LIKE IT WAS IN SLOW MOTION, BUT WHEN I PUSHED TIGGER BACK, HE FLEW OVER THE RAIL, AND THE MONORAIL CLIPPED HIM RIGHT AS IT WAS COMIN' IN. I'LL NEVER FORGET THE SOUND OF ALL THE LITTLE KIDS SCREAMING. WITHIN SECONDS, THE DISNEY POLICE WERE ON THE SCENE. AND EVEN THOUGH TIGGER DIDN'T BREAK ANY BONES, I HAD TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN AN ANAHEIM JAIL CELL. LUCKILY, MIKE DISNEY HAD THE CASH TO BAIL ME OUT THE NEXT DAY.

IF THERE'S A HAPPY ENDING TO THIS STORY, IT'S THAT THERE WAS STILL TIME FOR ME TO TAG BRIDGET A FEW TIMES BEFORE WE LEFT CALIFORNIA. SOLID TIMES, BROS!


]]> Mon, 12 Jul 2010 04:01:58 -0500


CHECK OUT THE KILLER DETAILS, BROS!






BROS,

PICTURE IF YOU WILL, THE MOTHERFUCKIN' FUTURE. PACKS OF BLOOD-THIRSTY WEREWOLFS NOW CONTROL EVERY MAJOR CITY ON THE PLANET. WE'RE TALKIN' TOTAL CHAOS, BROS. EVEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS DEAD... 'CAUSE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS MANAGED TO TAKE THE FUCKIN' WHITEHOUSE.

EVERY MAJOR MILITARY POWER ON EARTH IS POWERLESS 'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL BANKRUPT FROM FIGHTIN' WORLD WAR 3 AND 4. BUT THERE'S ONE FUCKIN' COUNTRY LEFT THAT CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. THE WEREWOLFS HAVEN'T TOUCHED IT YET 'CAUSE IT'S TUCKED WAY UP IN SCANDINAVIA AND SHIT. I'M TALKIN' ABOUT SWEDEN; A NEUTRAL COUNTRY WHOSE CHIEF EXPORT IS TOTALLY FUCKIN' HOT, HOTASS BLONDE CHICKS.

AS THE WEREWOLFS MAKE THEIR WAY CLOSER TO STOCKHOLM, THE FUCKIN' CAPITAL OF SWEDEN, THE TOP SWEDISH GENERALS COME INTO THE SWEDISH PRESIDENT'S OFFICE AND THEY'RE ALL, "SIR, THE SWEDISH NAVY SEAL TEAM IS READY, SIR." THE PRESIDENT OF SWEDEN SAYS NOTHING. HE JUST STANDS THERE IN SILENCE. THEN HIS FACE GETS BEET RED AND THEN HE'S ALL, "FUCK NAVY SEALS! WE GOT THE THE MOTHERFUCKIN' SWEDISH BIKINI TEAM!" SO HE SENDS THE CHICKS OUT AND THEY SAVE THE WORLD KILLIN' ONE MANGY WEREWOLF AT A TIME.

JUST AS THE WEREWOLF WAR ENDS, EARTH SLIPS INTO A CRIPPLIN' FUCKIN' ICE AGE, BUT THE WEREWOLF PELTS STREWN ACROSS THE GLOBE KEEP THE PEOPLE OF EARTH FROM FREEZING TO DEATH AND SHIT. AND THE SWEDISH BIKINI TEAM USE THE WEREWOLF BONES TO MAKE SHIT FOR A SWEDISH CRAFT FAIR WHICH SAVES THE WORLD ECONOMY AND SHIT.

BROS, YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT THE FIFTH FIRESTORM DESIGN, SWEDISH BIKINI WEREWOLF DESTRUCTION UNIT. IT'S A COLLABORATION BETWEEN ME AND ONE OF THE MOST TALENTED FUCKIN' ILLUSTRATORS AROUND, PETER KRAMAR (AKA BADBASILISK.) AS YOU CAN SEE, PETER IS A MASTER IN THE ART OF DRAWIN' HOT CHICKS, AND THAT'S WHY I SEEKED HIM OUT FOR THIS DESIGN. IT WAS AN HONOR TO WORK WITH THIS DUDE. MUCH RESPECT TO BADBASILISK, BROS!

NOW LISTEN UP, BROS... ME AND PETER WANT TO THANK A FEW PEOPLE WHO HELPED US MAKE THIS DESIGN SO SOLID. FIRST OFF, MY BEST BRO, KENNY FONSECA. KENNY COLORED THIS DESIGN USIN' THE LATEST VERSION OF ADOBO PHOTOHOUSE AND IT LOOKS TOTALLY FUCKIN' KILLER! NEXT, WE WANT TO THANK SANTO76 FOR HOOKIN' US UP WITH A SOLID FLASH PRESENTATION. FINALLY, WE WANT TO THANK MIDI-CHORINATED FOR BEIN' OUR HOTASS BLOND CHICK MODEL. THIS CHICK IS TOTALLY METAL, BROS!

REMEMBER BROS, THERE'S NOTHIN' WRONG WITH EMPOWERING HOTASS WOMEN AND THERE'S NOTHIN' WRONG WITH SLAUGHTERING WEREWOLFS... SO VOTE 5$.

SOLID, BROS!

- DICK FIRESTORM



VOTE AT EMPTEES, BROS!

http://www.emptees.com/tees/317939-swedish-bikini-werewolf-destruction-unit



]]> Fri, 09 Jul 2010 12:52:46 -0500
BROS,

OVER THE LAST FEW WEEKS, MY BRO BADBASILISK HAS BEEN WORKIN' WITH ME ON THE 5TH MOTHERFUCKIN' FIRESTORM DESIGN. WE'RE PUTTIN' THE FINISHIN' TOUCHES ON IT NOW. WHILE WE DO THAT, BROS, WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR A HOT, BLOND CHICK TO BE OUR DESIGN MODEL.

NOW, I AIN'T TRYIN' TO DISCRIMINATE AGAINST OTHER HOT CHICKS WHO GOT DIFFERENT HAIR COLORS OR WHATEVER, BROS... BUT WITHOUT GIVIN' TOO MUCH AWAY, DESIGN #5 IS ALL ABOUT HOT BLOND CHICKS.

SO CHECK IT OUT... IF YOU WANT TO BE THE MODEL OR KNOW SOME HOTASS BLOND CHICK THAT WOULD MAKE A SOLID MODEL, THEN SEND ME A E-MAIL: DICKFIRESTORM@GMAIL.COM ALLS YOU GOTTA DO FOR THE PHOTO IS WEAR A BLANK, BLACK TEE SHIRT.

ALSO BROS... HOT CHICKS WEARIN' BLOND WIGS WILL ALSO BE FUCKIN' CONSIDERED AND SHIT.

BADBASILISK DID A KILLER FUCKIN' JOB SKETCHIN' OUT DESIGN #5 AND WE'RE BOTH TOTALLY STOKED TO GET IT UP HERE.

IT'S GONNA BE SOLID, BROS! SOLID!

- DICK FIRESTORM




]]> Thu, 18 Feb 2010 14:19:35 -0600 1) DON'T FUCKIN' SUBMIT THE DESIGN AT THREADLESS.

2) DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU NEVER SEEN THE ORIGINAL MASTERPIECE.

3) DON'T TAKE OUT THE HOT, TOPLESS CHICK ( IF ANYTHING, ADD MORE HOT, TOPLESS CHICKS.)

4) DON'T PUT IT ON FUCKIN' PURPLE.

5) WATCH YOUR BACK. 'CAUSE NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET SCORTCH'D!!!


THE ORIGINAL:




SORRYASS ASSCLOWN RIPOFF:





UNFUCKIN'BELIEVABLE, BROS!

]]> Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:13:44 -0500
BROS,

I'M DONE TAKIN' BIG FUCKIN' HIATUSES IN BETWEEN DESIGNS NOW. THAT'S WHY I'M GETTIN' THE WHEELS ROLLIN' ON DESIGN #5 STARTIN' TODAY.

CHECK IT OUT... IF YOU'RE A KILLER DESIGNER AND YOU WANT TO HELP ME BRING A NEW, BADASS IDEA TO LIFE, THEN LEAVE YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS IN THIS BLOG. THE ONLY REQUIREMENT IS THAT YOU GOTTA BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH MY MAIN DESIGNER BROS: OLIE!, FATHEED AND ROADKILL3D!

#5 IS GONNA BE SOLID, BROS. THAT'S A PROMISE.

- DICK FIRESTORM


]]> Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:46:49 -0500
A WHILE BACK, THIS CHICK I WORK WITH NAMED CHARLOTTE GOT KNOCKED UP AND TOOK A LEAVE OF ABSENSE SO’S SHE COULD HAVE HER FUCKIN’ BABY AND SHIT. TODAY, WHEN I CAME BACK FROM MY MORNING DELIVERY ROUTE, EVERYBODY WAS JAMMED INTO THE FUCKIN’ BREAK ROOM MAKIN’ A RACKET. SO I WALKS IN THERE AND I’M ALL, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN’ ON IN HERE, BROS?” MY SUPERVISOR TURNS AROUND AND HE’S ALL, “CHARLOTTE STOPPED IN WITH HER NEW BABY! HIS NAME IS JONATHAN!” THEN HE WAS ALL, “WE’RE GETTING PIZZAS TO CELEBRATE, SO STICK AROUND, RICHARD.”

I WAS FUCKIN’ PISSED THAT EVERYBODY WAS TAKIN’ UP MY BREAK TIME WITH THIS BULLSHIT, SO I WALKED TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM, STOOD UP AGAINST THE WALL AND FOLDED MY ARMS. THERE WAS NO EXPRESSION ON MY FACE. THEN LIKE TWO MINUTES LATER, CHARLOTTE AND TWO OTHER DUMBASS CHICKS COME OVER TO ME WITH THE STUPID, FUCKIN’ BABY. NEXT THING I KNOW, CHARLOTTE IS HOLDIN’ THE BABY OUT TO ME AND STARTS BOBBIN’ HIM UP AND DOWN. BABIES ARE FUCKIN’ ENTERTAINED BY THAT KIND OF SHIT, AND THIS ONE HAD A BIG FUCKIN’ SMILE ON HIS FACE AND HE WAS GIGGLIN’. CHARLOTTE KEPT PUSHIN’ THE BABY CLOSER AND CLOSER TO ME. I WAS ALL, “TAKE IT EASY, BRO.”

THEN CHARLOTTE WAS ALL, “HE LIKES YOU, DICK! WHY DON’T YOU HOLD HIM?” I WAS ALL, “FORGET ABOUT IT, BRO.” THEN RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT, THE PIZZA DUDE WALKS IN WITH A BIG STACK OF MOTHER FUCKIN’ PIZZA BOXES, SO I START WALKIN’ OVER TO GET A SLICE. NEXT THING I KNOW, SOMEONE’S GRABBIN’ ME BY THE ARM AND STARTS PULLIN’ ME BACK. I TURNED AROUND TO LOOK AND IT WAS CHARLOTTE. SHE HAD A DUMBASS SMILE ON HER FACE AND SHE WAS ALL, “DICK, YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY PIZZA UNTIL YOU SAY SOMETHING TO MY LITTLE JONATHAN!” THEN SHE HELD THE BABY OUT TOWARDS ME.

I STOOD THERE FOR A MOMENT JUST LOOKIN’ AT THE BABY DANGLIN’ IN HER ARMS. THE WHOLE ROOM WAS QUIET ALL OF A SUDDEN AND EVERYBODY TURNED TO LOOK AT ME. THAT’S WHEN I LEANED IN, POINTED IN THE BABY’S FACE AND YELLED, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!” THE BABY STARTED CRYIN’ IMMEDIATELY AND EVERYBODY WAS TOTALLY FUCKIN’ OUTRAGED AND SHIT. I WALKED OVER TO THE TABLE, AND GRABBED A PIZZA BOX CONTAININ’ A FULL, PEPPERONI PIZZA FOR MYSELF. AS I WAS ABOUT TO WALK OUT THE DOOR, I TURNED BACK AND LOOKED AT EVERYBODY STANDIN’ THERE WITH SHOCKED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES. I PAUSED FOR A SECOND, RAISED MY MIDDLE FINGER AND SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK ALLA YOUS!” THEN I WALKED OUT THE DOOR.

]]> Tue, 13 Oct 2009 10:04:38 -0500
FOLLOW THE FIRESTORM, BROS!

http://twitter.com/dickfirestorm

]]> Mon, 05 Oct 2009 16:01:38 -0500



LET ME TELL YOU A STORY, BROS.

THOUSANDS OF FUCKIN’ YEARS AGO, SAMURAI WARRIORS RULED THE EARTH. THEY WERE TOTALLY BADASS. ALL THESE DUDES DID WAS FUCKIN’ PILLAGE AND PLUNDER. THEY FUCKIN’ DESTROYED EVERYTHING IN SIGHT WITH THEIR FUCKIN’ SAMURAI SWORDS AND THEY LIVED TO VIOLATE NATURE. THEY LIVED THIS WAY FOR CENTURIES, UNTIL MOTHER NATURE FINALLY HAD ENOUGH, STOOD UP AND SAID, “FUCK IT! I’M TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT!”

BROS, APPEARING IN A LARGER THAN LIFE HUMAN FORM, MOTHER NATURE TOWERED OVER THE TREES AND SUMMONED AN ARMY OF KICK FUCKIN’ ASS TIGERS. THE TIGERS GATHERED AROUND THE HILLSIDE WAITIN’ FOR THEIR INSTRUCTIONS, AND THEN MOTHER NATURE SPOKE TO THEM. “FUCK SHIT UP, MY CHILDREN,” SHE SAID. AND BROS, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT THEY DID. FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED YEARS, THE TIGER CLAN SLASHED AND CHEWED THROUGH EVERY FUCKIN’ SAMURAI WARRIOR IN EXISTENCE UNTIL THERE WERE NO MORE. THE BONES OF EVERY SINGLE WARRIOR WERE LEFT STRIPPED OF MEAT, STREWN THROUGHOUT THE FUCKIN’ LANDSCAPE AND THE RIVERS RAN RED WITH SAMURAI BLOOD.

BROS, NOT A SINGLE TIGER WAS HARMED THROUGHOUT THIS MASSACRE ‘CAUSE MOTHER NATURE LET THE TIGERS DRINK HER MILK, MAKIN’ THEM TOTALLY INVINCIBLE AND SHIT. CATS LOVE TO DRINK MILK, BROS. AND THESE BADASS, MOTHER FUCKIN’, BIG CATS GOT ALL THE FUCKIN’ MILK THEY COULD DRINK. STRAIGHT FROM MOTHER NATURE’S SPECTACULAR TITTIES.

WHAT YOU’RE LOOKIN’ AT ABOVE IS THE 4TH FIRESTORM DESIGN. IT’S CALLED, “MOTHER NATURE’S MILK” AND IT’S COLLABORATION BETWEEN ME AND KNEIL MELICANO (AKA ROADKILL3D.) THIS CONCEPT WASN’T EASY TO TRANSLATE ON PAPER… BUT ROADKILL3D KILLED IT! LET ME JUST SAY THAT KNEIL IS ONE KICKASS INDIVIDUAL AND THE CARE AND DETAIL HE PUTS INTO HIS WORK IS TOTALLY FUCKIN’ INSANE. DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND CHECK OUT ALL THE KILLER WORK KNEIL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ON HIS WEBSITE… WWW.KNEILMELICANO.COM

ME AND ROADKILL3D WANT TO THANK LITTLEM FOR BEIN’ OUR HOT CHICK MODEL. SHE TOTALLY NAILED THE PHOTO! I ALSO WANT TO THANK KENNY FONSECA AGAIN FOR BEIN’ MY NUMBER ONE BRO AND HELPIN’ ME PHOTOHOUSE THE PRESENTATION PHOTO!

SOLID, BROS!

- DICK FIRESTORM



HEY BROS! CHECK OUT KNEIL'S PROCESS IN THIS ANIMATED FUCKIN' GIF!




VOTE ON EMPTEES!!!

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