Yours Truly is working on writing and producing a NatGeo program focusing on a species of vermin that has, in recent decades, begun to overrun specific socioeconomic groups across the world. Part one of this four-part program would address the growing population of this pest on our own continent.
Allow me to give you a taste of this delectable quad-tier delight.
Ahem.
The North American Douchebag is easily recognizable by several key characterizations. While other defining characteristics exist, it is the surface attributes that make this vermin so easy to spot. Note the polo shirt: invariably this garment will be unbuttoned at the neck, often in order to display ritualistic symbols of fertility hung from various encircling materials (most often leather, occasionally linked silver or gold chains, etc). Younger, less mature Douchebags, tend to take this clothing ritual one step further, by flipping or “popping” up the collars of their unbuttoned polo shirts, mimicking the mating habits of the frilled lizard.
Secondary to these habiliment attributes, is the North American Douchebag’s accessorizing. Clamped between teeth or dangling from lax, rubbery lips, one will often see a toothpick held in the Douchebag’s mouth. Should the Douchebag open its mouth (something that usually happens in order to emit bilious regurgitative fluids) the toothpick will not at first become dislodged, but will hang there, stuck to the glutinous viscid mat of its lower lip. Nor shall the toothpick be removed during habitual consumption of mass quantities of fermented grain products, more commonly referred to as “Beer” or “Brewskies” by the Douchebag, which brings us to the third identifying characteristic of this North American pest: The plastic beer cup.
Clenched in the Douchebag’s hand, the plastic beer cup will be drained and filled as often as possible, until the Douchebag’s inebriation reaches the point where the cup is spilled more than it is drained.
Beware the North American Douchebag, as they tend to travel in packs of three to six, and have been known to randomly throw up on and hit (or attempt to hit) the average person. Alone, the Douchebag is nowhere near as dangerous as in a pack, and it will attempt to group up with its brethren in order to achieve a certain dubious safety in numbers. When in the presence of other Douchebags, the North American Douchebag will feel free to perform acts of douchebaggery much more extreme than it would dare on its own. Large numbers of North American Douchebags also tend to attract many Sorostitutes, the Douchebag’s mating partner of choice. Sorostitutes also travel in packs and are to be avoided at all costs.
This concludes our segment on the North American Douchebag.
*Bow*
Next week: The Sorostitute.

Love Always,
Yours Truly

P.S. Special thanks to the SideshowGifts research team, Bubbles, for gathering all this important information.