Dear Sexy Hoes (I'm just being hip like your stores),
My name is Matt Giraffe.

I see that you have advertised for a Data Entry Team Member on SEEK.

I am looking to do a "heap" of adminstration work and I have the speedy fingers you are looking for. Just ask my ex girlfriend Laura. She dumped me though, accused me of being an alcoholic but that is bullshit I only drank because she kept nagging me all the time.

Does your significant other nag you? Do they try to exploit your position at City Beach just to get pants off you? (since you get a staff discount).

I like how your job ad said that the job you have advertised has an emphasis on "getting the job done" because my last job was just a place for druggies to trade. That was at the Australian Taxation Department. I was the only shining light there really, I did way less coke than anyone else did. Especially Vanilla coke, that stuff is dodgy as and I advise you not to go near it. How hard is it to put real vanilla icecream in a coke yourself?

Anyway I have to go out with my friend steve now. But we're not gay. We're just cruizin you know, pickin up and stuff. Maybe we can get together sometime too unless you're a guy in which case that's ok mate I don't do that.

Matt Giraffe.



Dear Overlords,

My name is Matt Giraffe and I think a processing role with a difference is exactly what I am looking for in my life. Right now I have a processing job but I am really interested in what that difference is and taking more responsibility in my role.

I am very good at all the skills you are after and am excited at the prospect of liasing with external parties as part of my job. How many people actually throw parties between 9am and 5pm however? All you are doing is asking me to hang out with stoners all day. However I will "chug chug chug" as necessary for the team, and get those bastards signed up to whatever it is we do.

I see you require us to work well under pressure. Can you please elaborate? Maybe this is the difference you talked about in your job ad. Also if I am under pressure and clients are bothering me, am I able to jump up and go "I gots to get these mother fuckin words on this mother fuckin screen!". That would be pretty badass, kinda like my friend steve. He lit fire to his own pubic hair once, it was full of hilarity and light burns, fun for everyone.

Thankyou for considering my application, and have a good day. Unless you die, in which case have a good rest of the day.

Your friend on the frontlines of typing,
Matt Giraffe