Dear Wendy, My name is Matt Giraffe and like you, I am a delightful.

From your ad I see you have an exciting opportunity for a motivated, team orientated sales assistant.

This sounds like a role I am well suited to, having previous experience in double teams and even leading 3 others in a past work environment.

I also have a history of showing initiative, for example in a previous office job I fixed a frequent birdstrike (against our office windows) problem, by opening the windows and installing bird feeders in the female toilets.

I must admit, the idea of working at Bakers Delight is a little daunting. I don't have as much experience as some but I am told that I have great buns.

Yours truely,
Matt Giraffe

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To Whom It May Concern,

I was recently enticed by your advertisement for a production assistant which I saw on SEEK. I notice that the name of your company is Mitchell and Partners, does that mean that mitchells wife is open to a bit of hanky panky on the side? I wish I could have more than one wife, there would be a lot of advantages but also a lot of nagging! Ha get it? Marriage joke!

I notice you are seeing a person with advanced skills in Powerpoint, Excel and other graphics packages. Not only do I have experience in those packages, I also have experience in renowned graphics arts programs like notepad, calculator, and mspaint, with 12 years experience in the later. I also see that I need the ability to translate data you provide into things such as charts and photographs and such. I take a lot of photographs of myself for my myspace, only partially nude. I also have a folder full of pictures that say stuff like WTF? with strange animals making faces. I think this could really add some punch to meetings, especially finance meetings where a cat going WTF with its hair all over the place could really illustrate potential losses in revenue. I also have a folder for pictures of people with funny beards.

I also see you are looking for someone with strong skills in english expression and grammar. Would you like a crumpet my good sir? indeed, Jeeves, indeed.

Anyhow this position sounds great but I just have one question, you say that your motto of sorts is to work hard and have fun. It may take me a little while to get used to maintaining erections in the workplace. I hope this will not hinder my application.

Thanks for your time,

--
Matt Giraffe
Graphic Designer

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Dear Karley Whimp,

I would like to apply for your website developer position. You say you require experience with MS Front Page 2003. I do not have experience with this specific program, however I often use approaches which aren't suitable for certain tasks.

For example I once tried to desex a neighbours cat with a handgun. The neighbour commented "thats messy, like Frontpage HTML! High Five!"
I then gave him a high five, because I felt sorry about his cat. I wish I had whiskers, and not the cat biscuits but the actual whiskers.

I found it interesting that you listed experience using a document control system as desirable. I don't come across many women that look for this in a man. Do you like movies, long walks on the beach and cheeses?

Maybe we should get together sometime? I can console you about your last name and beat up kids that talk about you behind your back. We can drink whiskey and go canoeing together.

Also I noticed that the wage is 30 - 35 dollars an hour. How come they don't know what they are offering? I would like some coffee from you.

Matt Giraffe

You may have noticed my last name is Giraffe. This is because of my mothers passion for things with long necks.


Dear Mr Giraffe,

Well you certainly have the initiative one would need for this Website
Developer position, not forgetting the definite flare you exhibit with your
writing skills. You must also be a mind reader, as we always look to recruit
people with a good sense of humour. Being a whiskey drinker, you get bonus
points!

Shall we book you in for an interview?

Kind regards,
Karley Whimp

ps. how would you know if my surname is the name I was born with. MARRIED?!


Dear Karley Whimp,

You're married? I see... It is all making sense now. Our (very) brief moment of passion will forever live in my mind, reminding me of better times when humans knew about a thing that they called... love.

I am afraid what is between us is forbidden, like the sport of crab tossing at an RSPCA meeting. I hope that there is always bubblewrap for us to pop. I am getting hungry.

Always Yours,
Matt Giraffe


Dear Mr Giraffe,

No I am not married, but I did want to throw that out there to determine if you actually KNEW me. So, I have my answer. Is this as close as I am going to get to an internet romance?? Why is it forbidden? Can you actually buy bubblewrap? Have you eaten?

So many questions .....

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Do you love to type? - Job headline.

Hi How are you?

My name is Matt Giraffe and I like to type.

One day my girlfriend rolled over in bed and she was like... "do you want to go again?". I was like "Sorry baby, but I want to type up this word doc". It was a significant moment in our relationship as she started sleeping with my friend. I was ok with that so long as they didn't have sex or anything like that. That would be so gross because my friend has eczema.

I won't lie to you, there are alot of people chasing me to work for them. They like my ability to type, my love for type, word processing actually is very arousing to me. They also like that I can grow a moustache in just 2 days. One time I went skateboarding but I found that my pants were not of the type that is popular to the young people of today. They did however cover up my bits and pieces which I am grateful for. Do you ever think about pants? I think about pants all the time.

I have experience with the banking and finance industry as is requested in your ad. I go to the bank all the time because the bastards put tons of charges on my accounts just for using another banks teller machines. I wouldn't have to use them if they had more accessable machines!

As you can see I have the passion and the drive to be a success in this position. All this pants talk however has really made me quite randy so I better go now.

Regards,
Matt Giraffe

PS. You may have noticed that my last name is Giraffe, this is due to my mothers passion for things with long necks.

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Data Entry Guru
An exciting opportunity exists within this highly regarded organisation, based on the North-East side of Brisbane, for a Part-time Data Entry Operator.

You will be required to key high volumes of consignment notes and complete batch registers, you will also be responsible for the processing of other billings required by the Revenue Supervisor.

As speed and accuracy are paramount, you will have the proven ability of speeds above 11,500ksph for alphanumeric. You must have your own transport and parking is provided. If you are looking to work within a supportive team environment and have previous data entry experience, apply now.

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Dear Meghann Ashby,

My name is Matt Giraffe and I am a Data Entry Guru. Ever since the age of 4 my parents raised me to be a typist, starting with a commodore 64.

I am qualified to handle high volumes and consignment notes, and complete batch registers. Batch is even my favorite word! Batch Batch Batch.

I wrote a little haiku for this position.

Data Entryry
I like typing real fast
Watch me type real fast

I type at over 11 500 kilometres per hour.

I have my own transport and parking, and I need a supportive team environment.

Thankyou for your time,
Matt Giraffe

You may have noticed my last name is Giraffe, my mother adopted the name because of her love for things with long necks

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Dear Joanne Evans,

I am writing to apply for a graphic design teachers position at Bremer Tafe. I do not have my own graphic design diploma at the moment, mainly because I am better than everyone at university. But once my friend went to tafe and he got a diploma of graphic design, and I held that for about 5 minutes.

My Skills included advanced capability. I once taught my friend how to code HTML and throw rocks, so I am pretty good at that. I think alot of the young people at tafe could benefit from throwing rocks also.

I am very good with raster imaging, infact I draw Jamaicans all the time. Sometimes I give them a "Fat blunt". Sometimes they say Mon. It is all very unpredictable. My second best friend is called Bob Marley. I can also demonstrate skills with cameras, scanners and such. If you'd like I could take your picture and then scan it, I could teach the students to draw glasses and a moustache on it. I have alot of skills in web development too, but my favorite tv show is arrested development. That Tobias is funny!

I was really keen about seperating myself from all your other applicants so I thought I would write you a haiku, because I'm thoughtful.

teaching graphic de
sign will let me brag to all
my friends that I'm cool

You can view some of my work at www.mattgiraffe.deviantart.com maybe you can leave comments about how much you like the work, it's pretty good.

--
Matt Giraffe
Graphic Designer


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Hello, I am applying for this job because quite frankly I'd rather be molested by a paracidic bandicoot than deal with the beaurocracy of a Centrelink office ever again.

Whilst I have no interest in the position you are offering, I would hope that it would be less painful than being stabbed with HIV infested needles. And thus I think I would make the ideal employee.

Let's skip the interview because quite frankly you'll drone on about bullshit I don't care about. Just give me the job.

Matt