how many chinamen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I may be a cute girl... but all you see is a cute dog (unless you are in the global facebook group). But dogs are supposed to resemble their owners right... haha. I don't know any jokes off the top of my head...

What did the lesbian vampire say to her lover?...

























































































SEE YOU NEXT MONTH!



ZING!



thanks, ill be here all week.

t-shirts in the back!



-k.

so, 2 hydrogen atoms are sitting at the bar, and one says to the other:



"i think i've lost an electron"



shocked, the other hydrogen atom says, "are you sure"



and the first atom says, "yes, I'm positive."



hahahahahah! get it? eh?

I'm a cute girl, give me points!

Umm, there one was a piece of string who was in a bar, and he asked for a beer. The barkeeper said, "We don't serve string here, get out!" So the srting goes to the alley, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. Comes back in and orders a beer. THe barkeeper said, "Hey, aren't you the string I just kicked out?" and the string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."



... Har.. har.. har.

ahaha!

Get it? "I'm afraid not!" Har.. har.. har.

This panda walks into a bar and asks for the bartender for a sandwich. Bartender gives him the sandwich, the panda eats it. Then he gets up, pulls out a shotgun, shoots the rest of customers and heads for the door. "Hey!" yells the bartender, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"Relax," says the panda. "I'm a panda, look it up."

As the panda walks out of the bar, the bartender pulls out an encyclopedia and looks up panda: Panda: A type of bear found in Asia. Eats shoots and leaves.

How does sushi say hello to a hornet?



Wassa-bee!

A catholic priest an a Rabbi were sittin in a park. The priest says, 'Hey, lets go Fuck those kids over there'!! The Rabbi goes, "Out of what??"

i hate you deanna.

a seal walks into a club

Psh, a panda isn't a type of bear, Brian. Your joke fails.

I'm liking what I see so far.

I love that joke whisper in water ... I tell it all the time.

Why did the lettuce close it's eyes?

Because it didn't want to see the salad dressing.

yeah it's cheesy I know but the only other things that come to mind are dirty jokes so...

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.



20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.



19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.



18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?



17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.



16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.



15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.



14. Bad cop. No donut.



13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?



12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.



11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?



10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?



9. I pay your salary



8. So uh, you on the take or what?



7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.



6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.



5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.



4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.



3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.



2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.



1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving".

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."



Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".



"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."







ahahaha.



.g.

that's not a joke, that's a list.



a list that should be taken very seriously.



like the commandments.

A man walks into a dentist's office



Dentist: Can I help you?

Man: I think I'm a moth

Dentist: Well, I'm afraid I can't help you with that...what you need is a psychiatrist

Man: Oh, I know

Dentist: Then why are you here?

Man: Well, the light was on...



ha! ha!

Shut up. They're bears.

A man is walking down the street, when he sees on the opposite sidewalk, a man with an orange for a head.



Now it's not every day that you see a human with a large peice of citrus fruit for a head, so naturaly the man began to follow him.



He followed him a few paces back for a while trying to find a tactful way to asak him about his orange noggin.



Finally he taps the man on the shoulder and says, "I'm sorry. I just have to know how you have an orange for a head."



The odd headed man replied, "Don't worry about it, I love telling this story. Get this, 3 months ago I was in the middle east at a street bazaar. I cam across a traditional middle easterm lamp, you know, the genie kind. So I bought it and brought it home. The entre time, I was fighting the urge to rub it to see if there was a genie inside. At my house, I put a potted plant inside and placed it on my coffee table. Then one day, my cat knocked it over. After chasing my cat around with a broom for a few minutes, I began cleaning the soil on the carpet, then I picked up the lamp and dusted, nay, RUBBED off the dirt and a genie came out!"



"What happened then?!" asked the man.



"The genie offered me 3 wishes!" the orange headed man continued, "My first wish was that this girl I've loved since 1st grade would fall madly in love with me. Seconds later my door was kicked in by her and she ran into my arms and kissed me!"



"Incredible." said the man in awe.



"Then I wished to never want for money." the citrus cabasa man said, "And I reached into my pockets and pulled out a one humdred dollar bill. Reached in again, another one!"



The man was now a little perplexed, "Well, that all makes sense, but how did you get an orange for a head?"



The orange headed man stated flatly. "My third wish was that he turn my head into an orange."

A woman was on a car trip in New Zealand. She sees this guy on top of a hill mucking with a sheep. She goes up to him with her camera and asks, "Excuse me, sir, are you shearing that sheep?" And he turns to her and he says, "Listen, lady, I ain't shearing this sheep with anyone."

This blog makes me happy.

Okay, so a man is playing horse shoes with the king of Siam, and the king is really kicking his ass. So he says to the king, "Dang, King of Siam, you're probably the greatest horse shoe player in the world." So the king replies, "Yes, Siam." And the man says, "I'll bet you're the kind of guy who'd use that joke all the time." The king says, "Yes, Siam." So then the man throws a horse shoe and it hits the king in the head. He asks, "Are you okay, King of Siam?" and the King relplies, "Yes, Siam, but my head hurts." So the man rips out the kings large intestine and strings it around the king's neck.

perhaps whisper is thinking of the red panda.



Red Pandas

Dirty crude joke time!



Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.



Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.



Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

A. Call her and tell her.

"There is on-going debate as to whether this creature is truly a bear or more related to the raccoon rather than the bear, or perhaps in a family of its own. Recent genetic research has tended to support the conclusion that the giant panda is in fact a bear, but one that diverged relatively early from the rest of the family Ursidae."



WIKIPEDIA SAYS IT'S A RACCOON.



OR SOMETHING. SHUT UP.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a watermelon?



One is fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other's a watermelon.



*goes to hell*

Stop trusting wikipedia, Canuck.

i saw that article, too

Two guys walk into a bar... and then they say ow! Giggle Giggle.

Oh man, I know soooo many dead baby jokes, but I'm not going to tell them because, well, I'm not a bad person like Brian is.

I love you, Emily :-)

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.



After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river to get a drink.



The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.



The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.



He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"



The monkey looks down and says, ......."Dude! How much water did you drink?!"

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning, started talking nonsense, and couldn"t drive.

What's the difference between garbage and tracerbullet?



The garbage gets taken out once a week.



OH, BURN!

2 brothers decided that they're old enough to start swearing.



They go down to breakfast with the plan to use some particular swear words.



One decides to say HELL, the other decides to use ASS.



They sit at the kitchen table and mom asks "What would you 2 like for breakfast?"



The first brother says, "Aw, hell mom, I'll have some Cheerios."



The mom jumps across the table and snatches the boy up by his ears and takes him up the stairs yelling at him and swatting at his bottom while the boy cries out.



She returns downstairs and looks at her other son and asks, "Now that the incedence is over, what would you like for breakfast?"



The son responds, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass I'm not asking for Cheerios!"

What do you get when you cross a geek a vampire a monk a monkey a chicken a microwave a mouse a dog a rabbit a cat a gorilla a baby a thermometer a telescope a toothbrush with some toothpaste some beer some floss a barrel a cannon a pirate a shark a snake a whale and finally ..... a woolly mammoth??































One stupid ass looking thing which by the way i took a long time to come up with this joke.

lol Oh, that was a good one. Reminds me of my childhood.

So there's these two muffins in the oven.

One muffin looks at the other and says, "It's hot in here."

The other yells, "Ahh! A talking muffin"



or



What's brown and sticky?



....



a brown stick!

Oh, and somebody told me today that I'm cute.

I'll have you know I'm going to dinner tonite with my uncle and grandparents. So burn on YOU.

Punchlines With Absolutely No Context



"No, no, no!" said the penguin, "I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!"



"Surprise! Surprise! That's not my ear canal either!"



Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!



"Mommy Mommy," Little Johnny replied, "is that why the souffl? is burnt?"



"Tokyo?" Said the nun, "You fool, I said take the hoe!"



And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled.



And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.



"Whew!" said the blonde, "I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!"



"No wait, you don't understand," said the fat man, "Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother's love!"



As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap.



"Yeah," said the Scottsman, "but at least I don't have a scented hand soap named after ME!"



As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled "EGG BEATER!"



"Isotope?" He replied, "That's no isotope!"

Damnit, your uncle is standing me up?!

Lawyers vs. Vampires



What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?























































































A vampire only sucks blood at night.

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

lol

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"

A Necco Wafer and a Pixie stick are making sweet sweet love.