Behind every great man is a government bailout.
of 16 votes, 44% like it
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Glasses that are half full just need an extra shot and some ice.
of 17 votes, 71% like it
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Tile floors let adults secretly play hopscotch.
of 16 votes, 63% like it
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Bread better watch out, or it is TOAST!
of 15 votes, 47% like it
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Reindeer have fantastic racks.
of 13 votes, 54% like it
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'Tis the season to use obsolete words like 'tis.
of 16 votes, 50% like it
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I'm giving up my New Year's resolutions for Lent.
of 30 votes, 37% like it
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April Fool's Day will be celebrated on March 31st this year.
of 29 votes, 45% like it
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Time is on my side, but space is working against me.
of 40 votes, 57% like it
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Words: they have a lot to say for themselves.
of 37 votes, 59% like it
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Santa didn't leave me a lump of coal. It's a pre-diamond.
of 40 votes, 60% like it
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Zombies treat you like you’re their own flesh and blood.
of 32 votes, 47% like it
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Zombies always bite off more than they can chew.
of 29 votes, 48% like it
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Depressed werewolves only come out during a blue moon.
of 33 votes, 58% like it
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Protection rackets haven't helped my tennis game.
of 27 votes, 59% like it
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Therewolves have a better sense of direction than werewolves.
of 32 votes, 59% like it
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Possessions are usually a good thing, unless they’re demonic.
of 37 votes, 59% like it
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Mistakes are God’s way of reminding us we’re idiots.
of 30 votes, 73% like it
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An apple a day makes oranges feel left out.
of 38 votes, 61% like it
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I don’t mind monsters under my bed. They protect me from spiders.
of 39 votes, 69% like it
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Evil scientist sidekicks live by their hunches.
of 31 votes, 55% like it
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Mummies wouldn’t be so uptight if they just learned to unwind.
of 39 votes, 54% like it
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Black magic is the kind of magic you can dress up or dress down.
of 35 votes, 46% like it
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Eat cardboard. It’s full of fiber and good for the environment.
of 29 votes, 55% like it
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Torches and pitchforks vs. monsters—like that’s gonna work.
of 36 votes, 58% like it
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Thinkers are doers who never manage to get off the couch.
of 34 votes, 56% like it
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For some reason, sunbathing doesn't get me clean.
of 47 votes, 64% like it
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Skeletons need to come out of the closet.
of 38 votes, 45% like it
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I celebrate my aversion to tradition once a year.
of 43 votes, 65% like it
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Don’t be afraid. I’m just a mad scientist’s experiment gone awry.
of 33 votes, 39% like it
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I don’t like the term “undead.” I prefer “recycled human.”
of 48 votes, 67% like it
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I wear my sunglasses at night. I also walk into walls a lot.
of 40 votes, 83% like it
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Astronomy is so out there.
of 42 votes, 71% like it
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Amnesia: the second chance to make a good first impression.
of 66 votes, 73% like it
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Time traveling to the 80s would be a most excellent adventure.
of 47 votes, 68% like it
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My email is down. How do I find those post office thingies?
of 42 votes, 57% like it
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As a kid I was so cynical I had I Don’t Care Bears.
of 38 votes, 53% like it
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Pursuit of the trivial made my youth significant.
of 46 votes, 70% like it
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Real men eat quiche, they just do it in secret.
of 35 votes, 51% like it
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Bring back the cola wars. I just like taking the taste tests.
of 39 votes, 41% like it
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The 80s: when even manly men wore hairspray and pink shirts.
of 40 votes, 55% like it
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Going green once meant a long night of tequila shooters.
of 38 votes, 55% like it
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Once all you needed to be entertained was a pig and a frog.
of 36 votes, 56% like it
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Smurfs were the first blue man group.
of 58 votes, 76% like it
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Remember when you didn’t need a rocket ship to moonwalk?
of 35 votes, 54% like it
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My speakers go to 12.
of 32 votes, 44% like it
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Superman: still nostalgic for phone booths.
of 35 votes, 49% like it
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I got food poisoning eating green eggs and ham.
of 58 votes, 69% like it
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Beggars can’t be choosers. Except when they’re also thieves.
of 51 votes, 53% like it
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Art class is full of posers.
of 59 votes, 46% like it
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Hipsters wear black because they secretly want to be ninjas.
of 49 votes, 49% like it
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Fishing for compliments works better without the worms.
of 48 votes, 46% like it
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An apple a day makes one the teacher’s pet.
of 43 votes, 37% like it
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Lunchroom ladies: saving the hairnet industry for over 100 years.
of 47 votes, 45% like it
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Shop class is a great place to get hammered.
of 42 votes, 38% like it
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Misery loves chocolate chip ice cream more than company.
of 61 votes, 64% like it
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What happens in Vegas ends up in a Vegas Tourist Board ad.
of 52 votes, 56% like it
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If you want to dig up dirt on people, hire an archeologist.
of 53 votes, 49% like it
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I lost my poetic license, so don’t expect this to rhyme.
of 46 votes, 54% like it
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I knew the Muffin Man. He was delicious.
of 75 votes, 68% like it
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All good things come to an end, except for circles.
of 68 votes, 68% like it
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Confirm the princess is hot before you slay the dragon.
of 61 votes, 57% like it
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Everyone should have a clone. They make good alibis.
of 59 votes, 68% like it
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Geometry class taught me how to work all the angles.
of 75 votes, 53% like it
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This is not a test. But it's still an opportunity to fail.
of 67 votes, 57% like it
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Giant falling off beanstalk = one hell of a lawsuit.
of 53 votes, 53% like it
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I love mermaids. They are a good source of Omega-3s.
of 68 votes, 72% like it
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Don’t blame the wolf if the pigs’ houses weren’t up to code.
of 66 votes, 68% like it
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You do not complete me. Cookies complete me.
of 61 votes, 52% like it
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Hansel and Gretel were a couple of home-wreckers.
of 51 votes, 55% like it
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How were horses supposed to put Humpty Dumpty back together?
of 56 votes, 63% like it
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A dragon prince would be way hotter than a frog prince.
of 51 votes, 47% like it
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My childhood ended when I dissected my first frog.
of 51 votes, 51% like it
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What’s charming about a prince who needs a shoe to identify you?
of 62 votes, 61% like it
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People who live in gingerbread houses should expect sampling.
of 61 votes, 61% like it
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Planet hunters have awesome trophy walls.
of 58 votes, 53% like it
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The ocean: the biggest home school on the planet.
of 46 votes, 48% like it
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My dreams are boring. I wish I had more channels.
of 58 votes, 71% like it
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Wherever you go, there you are. Unless you spontaneously combust.
of 51 votes, 63% like it
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There are plenty of fish in the sea, if fish are your type.
of 52 votes, 46% like it
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A friend in need is a friend forever crashing on your couch.
of 69 votes, 59% like it
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People who live in glass houses need to buy drapes.
of 57 votes, 49% like it
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Dessert topping: the one thing that can be both whipped and cool.
of 50 votes, 66% like it
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Pennies from heaven would probably kill a lot of people.
of 74 votes, 69% like it
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I’m on top of the world—and freezing my butt off.
of 68 votes, 66% like it
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Cavemen can be such Neanderthals.
of 55 votes, 53% like it
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Food fights: the eco-friendly way to resolve conflicts.
of 68 votes, 72% like it
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Save the bees or kiss your honey goodbye.
of 64 votes, 63% like it
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Ham radio: the tastiest of all radios.
of 62 votes, 50% like it
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History is rewritten by the whiners.
of 66 votes, 59% like it
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Blackmailing neighbors for candy: the true appeal of Halloween.
of 61 votes, 62% like it
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Licorice whips: the candy choice of sado-masochists.
of 69 votes, 64% like it
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Sugar: because teeth are overrated.
of 75 votes, 65% like it
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Time-space continuum: the one scientific theory movie fans get.
of 59 votes, 51% like it
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Riddles are jokes designed to make you feel stupid.
of 69 votes, 64% like it
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The moon can run circles around the earth.
of 59 votes, 54% like it
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I don’t want 15 minutes of fame. I want at least 30.
of 60 votes, 48% like it
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Pots and kettles agree: calling them black is not PC.
of 57 votes, 60% like it
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I wish I knew as much as I thought I knew when I was a kid.
of 68 votes, 76% like it
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You have to watch out for lamps. They can be kind of shady.
of 56 votes, 54% like it
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Stop narcissism. It takes attention away from me.
of 64 votes, 66% like it
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Giraffes will always stick their necks out for you.
of 59 votes, 53% like it
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When you think about it, ALL galaxies are far, far away.
of 78 votes, 79% like it
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Horse sense told me to say neigh.
of 62 votes, 55% like it
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I prefer to think of gravity as more of a rule than a law.
of 62 votes, 53% like it
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To be frank, one must be named Frank.
of 71 votes, 65% like it
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Being ripped into atoms in a black hole = coolest death ever.
of 64 votes, 72% like it
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I can prove wormholes exist. Look at the ground after it rains.
of 56 votes, 52% like it
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Rocket scientists think they’re SO smart.
of 62 votes, 71% like it
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The lesser of two evils is still pretty evil.
of 77 votes, 53% like it
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My stunt double does my work-out for me.
of 69 votes, 52% like it
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Villains get a bad rap. Heroes get a great rock song.
of 65 votes, 49% like it
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Sticking to your guns is easy with really strong glue.
of 69 votes, 57% like it
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Whatever floats your boat, but water is usually most effective.
of 79 votes, 65% like it
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I loved singin' in the rain until I caught pneumonia.
of 63 votes, 56% like it
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Sci-fi movies: where everyone owns ugly polyester jumpsuits.
of 72 votes, 49% like it
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Mimes and clowns: too scary to be truly entertaining.
of 69 votes, 51% like it
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Shakespeare’s villains are totally badass.
of 70 votes, 53% like it
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Astronauts are the only ones who truly dance with the stars.
of 67 votes, 51% like it
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Cows are cool because they wear leather.
of 80 votes, 66% like it
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Democracy is great as long as everyone agrees with me.
of 74 votes, 65% like it
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If every cloud has a silver lining, I want the mining rights.
of 77 votes, 57% like it
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I don’t read tea leaves. I’m waiting for the movie version.
of 68 votes, 57% like it
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Living on the cutting edge sounds kind of painful.
of 80 votes, 65% like it
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Synchronized swimmers: proof rhythm alone doesn’t make you cool.
of 81 votes, 68% like it
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The Bermuda Triangle: the ultimate cruise to nowhere.
of 66 votes, 53% like it
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Numerology: just more validation that you suck at math.
of 70 votes, 56% like it
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Climb every mountain, ford every stream, die of exhaustion.
of 79 votes, 63% like it
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Winning is contagious. Failure is viral.
of 78 votes, 60% like it
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Respect chickens, they’re descended from the T. rex.
of 91 votes, 66% like it
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When I discover my super power, you're in big trouble.
of 98 votes, 78% like it
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This party would be so much better if it was a hoedown.
of 74 votes, 45% like it
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You don’t own me. The credit card companies own me.
of 76 votes, 55% like it
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It was a walk in the park. Too bad it was followed by a mugging.
of 81 votes, 59% like it
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My stuffed animals are plotting against me.
of 83 votes, 53% like it
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Wooden stakes are more cost-effective than silver bullets.
of 83 votes, 52% like it
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My imaginary friend doesn’t believe in you, either.
of 95 votes, 75% like it
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Reincarnation: your chance to screw it all up again.
of 98 votes, 73% like it
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I don’t have all the answers. That’s what Google is for.
of 95 votes, 58% like it
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It’s too late to apologize, but not too late to buy me a present.
of 82 votes, 51% like it
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Smile! Your parents spent a lot on your orthodontic work.
of 81 votes, 49% like it
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Keep your friends close and stay the hell away from your enemies.
of 74 votes, 58% like it
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Love is the answer. Wait, what was the question again?
of 73 votes, 53% like it
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