(Fill in the blank please...thank you....cough)

Step one...
Go to New York City and dont come back until 2:30 in the morning.

Step two...
Upon your return, stop at the nearest fast food restaurant to your house and eat as much as you can.

Step three...
Go to bed before that over-achieving body of yours has the chance to digest.

Step four...
Wake up.

This is MOST useful for people who don't drink and would like to see what all the "fuss" is about..and complete idiots...like myself.

Hope all of you have a wonderful day!
Mf

I have come to the conclusion that I spend most of my paycheck on my lunch break ...I also struggle to find the time to ride my bike "every" day to stay in shape...

Whats more important to you REALLY...free food? or healthy food?

Just food for thought...free food for thought.

ex. Sarah Palin is "the hottest mistake this country will ever made".

DISCLAIMER: If you don't know what Facebook is, move along. Seriously, go away.

Facebook has recently changed their site's layout. As a result every 13year old and Twenty-something has lost their shit.
"I CANT FIND MY PICTURES"
"HOW DO I KNOW WHEN ITS MY BFFL4E's BIRTHDAY"
"BOOHOO JEROMY BAERZINBLATZ IS NO LONGER SINGLE"

1. Chill the fuck out. People did the same thing when facebook put that "news feed" bullshit up. People flipped out. Now no one can skip a bowel movement without 435 of your closest friends knowing about it. the worst part is, you all love it now. I know i love it. When the kid who beat me up in middle school gets his first divorce i want to be among the first to know.

2. Most of the people crying about the change support Barack Obama. This is only funny because most of these people have bumper stickers or wall art spouting the phrase "Vote For Change".

3. There are TONS of people creating facebook groups in order to voice their anger about new layout. Seems to me that if you took the time to create a little group, you are finding your way around the site nicely.

4. Its free website that helps you do one of 2 things..
A. Connect with friends.
B. Help you spy on ex's and people you'd like to sleep with. Take a minute to let that sink in and then try to get upset about it again. Wont happen.

Also, take time this week to think about how out of control your life is when you can't handle a website changing its design without falling into a quivering floor pile. Maybe make a list of the things you feel DO have control over. Go ahead...we'll wait.

Ok now if that list did not include the words "My Own Life" delete your account on facebook and go kiss a bus.

Who would win in a fight between Grimace and The Hamburglar?

I have my own opinions...but I'd like to hear what you have to say first...as to not influence anyone's decision.

If I was to rob a bank I would use the F word A LOT.
Just slightly more than that one guy in Forrest Gump did. I'd also end my speech with something like...

"CHEESE FLAVORED ELEPHANTS!"
...so people would know that I was crazy and could snap at any moment.

what about you?

Never fails...
We walk in and the fucking coverband starts to play "Dont Stop Believin". Every fucking time. I'm convinced that you NEED to learn that song in order to graduate COVERBAND UNIVERSITY.

So you want to be a coverband? Gimme your best "Don't Stop Believin".

I love Journey...I now hate that song.

-Eyebrows-

The long and short of it:
Tiernans is always packed to the brim. Good for them. But lets not forget we are in the heart on MANford CT, so when i say "packed" what I really mean is that its like being inside a steamed packet of Ballpark Franks. I can almost taste the sweat of every "bro" that pushes me out of the way to get to the bar.

Not 5 minutes after our entry into the bar I am pushed by this bushy eyebrowed chump in a button down. Now, I fully acknowledge that on most days I deserve to be pushed around, but rest assured, tonight, i did nothing. I look the dick in the face and say, "What the fuck are you doing?" He says nothing and continues to mack on two girls that can only be described as "Classic Dirt Filths" or simply "CDFs"

Not two minutes later, my friend and I are at the bar ordering dranks when we are violently jolted by Eyebrows and his band of merry men SCREAMING the lyrics to "Welcome to the Jungle" (another sweaty coverband classic) in our faces. This will not stand. We turn around to inquire about this kid's problem again, after which he turns and points to his friend and says something to the effect of "Oh you wanna fight this kid?!?"

Utterly confused, we walk away.

(note to self: My wish is to have this blog become so popular that one day EyeBrows reads it and realizes how much of a sizzling ass-master he is.)

-Cougars-

Moving on, I'm two whiskeys deep in conversation with my homey Jeff. After a few minutes of talking about how Jeff tried to teach his mother the "flying knee" as a matter of self defense, we are approached by a cougar and a CIT (cougar in training).

Cougar: I heard you guys say MOTHER...are you making fun of me?!

Me: No we were trying to teach his mother how to fight.

Cougar: (drunk and disoriented) I like that T-Shirt! Its Cool!

Me: I know what you're doing...

Cougar: Huh?

Me: You're trying to hit on us. Its cool. (mimicking) "Ooooo look at the cool teeshirt!". I've seen it 1000 times.

Cougar: You know I design t-shirts. (blah blah blah bullshit about starting her own buissiness). So watch out for my website!

Me: Ok lady, sell me. Why would I wanna buy your shit?

Cougar: (thinks for 40 to 45 seconds)...cuz they are awesome...and cool to wear.

Me: Thats a horrible sales pitch...you can do better than that.

Im sure she said something else but I stopped paying attention. Plus she got pretty pissed at Jeff after he rested his arm on her head.


-Potential Ass Kicking #2-

After a few shots and 4 or 5 beers, it's safe to say that Jeff was a little tipsy. All I remember is the bouncer walking up behind Jeff and looking puzzled because Jeff refused to move out of his way. The guy wasn't just confused. He was baffled to say the least. As if to say "Look at these triceps?! Why is this guy still in my way?!". The following is what i remember of their short but entertaining interaction...

Bouncer: When you see me coming...you get OUT of my way!

Jeff: (complete with shit eating grin) I'M THE CUSTOMER....SO YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY WAY!

Me: (puts hand out between the two) Please don't kill him.

He walked away...Jeff is still alive...everybody wins.

-Fucking Dance-

Next, we took it upon ourselves to befriend two women standing alone near the back wall of the bar, having been abandoned by their men.

Me: Didn't you two come here with dudes? Why arent you dancing?

Wall flower Sisters: Oh..hahaha...they aren't drunk enough yet. (point to the bar)

Their men were laughing it up at the bar as if it was boys night out. Now, I dont know anything about these women. They could have been horrid, nagging bitches... but they seemed nice enough. So, I felt bad for them.

Deciding our work was done for the night, we start to leave the bar. As we walked out, I glanced over towards the two women hoping that they would be with their men...dancing in a jubilant fashion. To my dismay, they were still all alone near the wall. At first, I was genuinely sad about this. I couldn't help by think, "Why would anyone stay in a relationship with someone who treats you like a winter coat, leaving you in a corner until the end of the night?" Have some respect for yourself...dance if you want to.

I mutter to myself: "nice fucking life"

and walk out.

My advice for this week: Dance



Crit me please!
http://www.threadless.com/critique/27631/These_things_are_Rigged

Like her or not...she's Hot

Im watching the RNC right now and I can't help but wonder how hard she gives it to her husband. That guy must take a beating. I bet he's proud of it too. Why wouldn't he be.

I respect her dude...it's not her fault McCain is trying to use her to get his pasty white ass in the oval office.

Im betting the conversation went a lot like this...

McCain: "Oh no Barack keeps making history! Hes taking up all the History!.....How do I make history?!"

Sarah Palin: I have an idea!

McCain: Pipe down missy. A MAN is talking!

Palin: How about you make me your VP before I rip your low-hangers out through your ears?

McCain: You've got spunk...You're in!

Palin: Lets do this shit! The pain trains' coming! TOOT TOOT!

McCain: (sleeping)

After tonight i have seen "BatMan: The Dark Knight" twice. When i was headed into the theater tonight i knew what was going to happen. I knew every twist and turn in the film and i went back to enjoy it in all of its twisted glory for a second time. If the night had gone as it should have...im sure i would have done just that.

There where roughly 7 teenagers in the front and to the left and 1 woman behind me who were all hell bent on ruining a perfectly good, movie-going experience for your humble blogger. For the sake of my wrists (and my bed time) lets leave the woman behind me out of this one. She was an idiot...it wasn't her fault.

Lets turn our attention now to the children in the front and to the left. Once again, for the sake of "easy identification" lets call them..."the motherfuckers" or simply "the MFs". I have a few questions id like to pose to the MFs if i may.

1. Why go to a movie if you are going to try to impress girls by talking and being rude? Why not just turn the lights off in your asbestos filled basements and jabber away there? I AM POSITIVE your parents wont care because they obviously didnt take the time to teach you any manors in the first place. What right would they have to be upset with you?

2. Why waste $15 of your parent's money? ($10 for the ticket itself and at least $5 in gas to pick you up) This money could be more constructivly spent in 2 ways:
a. To save up for a school that may some day teach you to read. thereby enabling you to decode the funny shapes on the screen BEFORE the moviewhich state "Do not Speak"
b. to feed your father's nasty prostitution habit.
(Option B is just my speculation...but i have a funny feeling)

3. Everytime i hear you speak i get angry. When i get angry i piss in peoples beds...i could give you a list of people's numbers to call who will back me up on this one. Why would you wish a "Soppy Slumber" upon you and your loved ones?

And the most important question of the night...

4. DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE LIGHTS GO BACK ON AFTER THE FUCKING MOVIE?
You MUST! Please tell me you are not that stupid. What happens now is, EVERYONE who has been thinking up different and undoubtedly creative ways to cause you pain for the past 2.5 hours can now see EXACTLY what you look like.

You dumb MotherFuckers.


welp...i feel better. See you at the bars this weekend...oh wait...you're fucking 13.