What follows is an actual conversation I had with this wonderful girl. Read from the bottom and then up. I found it in my the- space-that-is-mine inbox.

The Menace


Ninth of all, i keep saying indubitably because i AM wearing a top hat and monacle (that stays put between my cheek fat and my eyesocket fat). Third of all, you're welcome and thank YOU for pretending to believe that i am "human". perciate it.

Twenty-second of all, i have saved all your messages to me and i will find a way to make money off of them. the people are parched. they're famished. they need some D in their lives and i'm confident that they are willing to pay big for me to provide them with our brilliant reparte.

Ninth, and finally, i can't tell you how many times a man has whispered to me, "That ain't egg nog." but their attempts to fulfill my santa fantasies only serve to remind me of the "man", the god, if you will, that is so far out of my reach. so the next time you decide to put a picture of his royal sexyness up, please consider my long suffering giner. ask yourself, "D, do you really want to do this to Celina's giner?"

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ARKHAM DESIGNS--



First of all, Thank you for the compliment. It's good to know I measure up to the rest of the puny, pathetic humans. You're not so bad yourself, for a human.

Second...stop saying indubitably. I keep imagining an aloof rich guy with a top hat and a monacle saying it.

Third...Santa is by far the sexiest fat guy out there. He's got his own house with tons of acres and a working staff of servants. I mean, if you put out he showers you with gifts. And not just any kind of gift...hand made gifts (not the kind that 5 years olds make in pre-school...oh no). The workmanship alone is up there with chinese slave labor. Good quality stuff, I tell you. How many other fat guys can do that? None, I tell you.

Plus, Santa can say hilarious phrases to you like "That aint egg nog" and let's not forget "The weather outside is frightful, but on my tip you're so delightful". He's a catch, this one is.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Celina



i mean, surely you can agree with me when i say that SANTA is...impossibly sexy. it's almost a supernatural sexyness. you, my dear, have a HUMAN sexyness, that, if compared to other humans, is impressive--indubitably. but santa-whoo!- he makes me blush just to catch sight of his gargantuan belly. and then to know that he's got the goods just out of view... i gotta tell you, it's sending naughty messages that my giner is evidently receiving--indubitably.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: ARKHAM DESIGNS--



More than my picture?

I'm guessing yes.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Celina



maybe it's been too long for me, but santa has such a raw sexuality--he's making me feel things.

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: ARKHAM DESIGNS--



Does this do anything for you, Celina?