“I do here and now, and forever, renounce the world with all its sinful pleasures, companionships, treasures, and objects, and declare my full determination boldly to show myself a soldier of Jesus Christ in all places and companies no matter what I may have to suffer, or lose, by doing so.” 1st Article of War*

That was easy for me to sign as a child. My mother’s moods oscillated from suffocating crying declarations of love to her children and her tales of saving us from the harshness of our former life, of our father, to screaming patches where she would throw hammers through televisions, dishes on the floor, or, in one case, my kitten off the balcony. I did not see myself as a living entity, I saw myself as an object of my mother’s that would one day be thrown against the wall as I did with my dolls when frustration and futility set in. I did what I was supposed to, that was my life. Every Wednesday was Sunbeams class, and then there was band practice and choir. I played the coronet and went to the nursing homes at Christmas with the other soldiers of God. I stood outside in cold weather and sang at the kettles that dotted the landscape. The big army van took us from kettle to kettle Sundays after church.

“I do here and now declare that I will abstain from the use of all intoxicating liquor, from the use of tobacco in any form, and from the non medical use of all addictive drugs.” 2nd Article of War.

This one I adhere to strictly. It has stayed with me while all other religious training feels to have fled. In fact, I abstained from most medical drugs thinking it would taint my mind. It took me a long time after I was first prescribed Ambien to take it, and even now I’m afraid to take it more than two nights in a row despite the eruptions inside or the nightmares that escape and have me throwing myself into the wall at night. There are times I have to cut my nails down to the point of bleeding because I claw myself in my sleep trying to get inside, to rip myself open and get at the demons burning me from the stomach out.

The Articles of War are clear and concise. 3rd – “I will abstain from the use of all low or profane language, from the taking of the name of God in vain,” 4th – “I will not allow myself in any falsehood, deceit, misrepresentation, or dishonesty,” 5th – I will not treat anyone “in an oppressive, cruel, or cowardly manner,” 6th – “ I will spend all time, strength, money, and influence I can in supporting and carrying out this war,” 7th – “I will obey the lawful orders of my officers,” 8th – “I enter into this understanding. . .of my own free will.”

At nine I knew the words but not the meaning. I knew of my idea of God, the picture of Jesus outstretched as the children come to him. He was a group hug.

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