My Status Likes You.
of 42 votes, 14% like it
|
Offhand remarks are insensitive to pirates.
of 43 votes, 26% like it
|
Psychics are always in my thoughts.
of 45 votes, 24% like it
|
|
I doodle in the margin of error.
of 66 votes, 44% like it
|
I over-analyze things 62.0537 percent of the time.
of 60 votes, 52% like it
|
Swordfish can't compete with gunfish.
of 62 votes, 32% like it
|
|
Anything You Can Do I Can Do Online.
of 60 votes, 45% like it
|
Self-Pity is Dumber Than I Am.
of 67 votes, 22% like it
|
If there are two things I hate, it's accuracy.
of 63 votes, 43% like it
|
|
I Evolved From Robots.
of 62 votes, 29% like it
|
Dear Science, Please Make More Laser Stuff.
of 71 votes, 54% like it
|
My childhood cartoons were better than your childhood cartoons.
of 59 votes, 42% like it
|
|
Mimes Only Follow Unspoken Rules.
of 57 votes, 32% like it
|
I got 99 problems but collecting problems 'aint one.
of 72 votes, 31% like it
|
Mockingbirds are jerks.
of 65 votes, 37% like it
|
|
I Argue With Mimes.
of 60 votes, 38% like it
|
I do a great impression of me.
of 68 votes, 37% like it
|
Definitely Not a Secret Agent.
of 56 votes, 29% like it
|
|
I Text in Proper English.
of 71 votes, 41% like it
|
Free your mind, and brain transplantation will follow.
of 56 votes, 27% like it
|
I come from a long line of people who hate long lines.
of 69 votes, 38% like it
|
|
I Only Wear This Shirt When It's Now.
of 47 votes, 30% like it
|
The Second Greatest Trick the Devil Pulled Was 'Got Your Nose!'
of 69 votes, 26% like it
|
Potatoes are just rocks you can eat.
of 54 votes, 26% like it
|
|
Before the internet, it was a lot harder to find pictures of cats
of 87 votes, 37% like it
|
When I'm old, at least I'll know how to use the internet.
of 77 votes, 39% like it
|
If You Can Read This, I'm Probably Not Naked.
of 77 votes, 45% like it
|
|
I Knew Me Before I Was Famous.
of 74 votes, 30% like it
|
Hi, you might remember me from your peripheral vision.
of 68 votes, 28% like it
|
If My Evil Clone Attacks Me, Shoot The One Not Wearing This Shirt
of 58 votes, 31% like it
|
|
Part of me doesn't like organ donation, but I got rid of it.
of 92 votes, 29% like it
|
Sooner or later a robot will have my job.
of 84 votes, 33% like it
|
Laser Eye Surgery Doesn't Give You Laser Eyes.
of 69 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Science: Because These Hadrons Aren't Going to Collide Themselves
of 66 votes, 32% like it
|
I've had it up to here with arbitrary levels of tolerance.
of 61 votes, 41% like it
|
Anteaters appreciate the little things in life.
of 62 votes, 34% like it
|
|
People Who Need People are Vampires, Zombies, and Cannibals.
of 67 votes, 22% like it
|
I live in the past. Stuff is cheaper there.
of 75 votes, 36% like it
|
Life: Giving You Something to Do Before You Die.
of 90 votes, 33% like it
|
|
Pollution: Our Gross National Product
of 73 votes, 34% like it
|
For Every Action, There's An Equal And Opposite Physics Problem.
of 75 votes, 29% like it
|
I Fear Change. Especially Nickels.
of 78 votes, 50% like it
|
|
My Cooking is a Gross Domestic Product.
of 65 votes, 25% like it
|
Tornadoes are only good at one kind of dance.
of 69 votes, 19% like it
|
My one and only problem is that I misjudge my number of problems.
of 72 votes, 32% like it
|
|
The birds and the bees are reproductively incompatible.
of 66 votes, 42% like it
|
I'm a product of multiplication!
of 68 votes, 32% like it
|
I Misuse Irony Ironically.
of 53 votes, 26% like it
|
|
The birds and the bees also do a lot of boring stuff.
of 68 votes, 28% like it
|
Black holes are a waste of space.
of 74 votes, 38% like it
|
Decomposition: Let me break it down for you.
of 58 votes, 45% like it
|
|
Robots Don't Even Like Techno.
of 74 votes, 38% like it
|
Self-fulfilling prophecies are never the good kind.
of 59 votes, 15% like it
|
I'm too cool for whatever it is I'm not doing.
of 43 votes, 58% like it
|
|
Some people are cat people. Other people are werewolves.
of 47 votes, 47% like it
|
I live in the past. The rent's cheaper there.
of 62 votes, 71% like it
|
I'm fluent in gibberish.
of 40 votes, 50% like it
|
|
Good things come to those who order them.
of 52 votes, 42% like it
|
Post-modernism owes me a jet pack.
of 51 votes, 43% like it
|
Let's get drunk and talk about dinosaurs.
of 50 votes, 36% like it
|
|
Stand for your right to sit around and do nothing.
of 46 votes, 37% like it
|
If all my dreams came true, things would get kinda weird.
of 54 votes, 65% like it
|
There's a little kid in all of us. Now we have stricter food laws
of 28 votes, 18% like it
|
|
Amplifiers hate positive feedback.
of 54 votes, 56% like it
|
Supernovas make regular novas feel bad.
of 59 votes, 41% like it
|
Big things come in small monthly installments.
of 44 votes, 39% like it
|
|
This looks like a job for somebody more qualified.
of 55 votes, 62% like it
|
With just a pair of scissors, this shirt would be a vest.
of 47 votes, 45% like it
|
Black holes internalize everything.
of 41 votes, 39% like it
|
|
Anything you can do I can do grudgingly.
of 36 votes, 47% like it
|
I'm a card-carrying member of the People Who Carry Cards club.
of 38 votes, 45% like it
|
I'm over achieving.
of 50 votes, 32% like it
|
|
Librarians prefer inside jokes.
of 53 votes, 45% like it
|
The least I can do is what I'm doing right now.
of 46 votes, 43% like it
|
If there was a world record for clumsiness, I would break it.
of 51 votes, 37% like it
|
|
The pen is mightier than the sword, unless combat is involved.
of 42 votes, 40% like it
|
It's not an extreme makeover without rocket skates.
of 44 votes, 34% like it
|
On Venus, they're just called fly traps.
of 51 votes, 53% like it
|
|
Am I the only one who narrates my thoughts?
of 46 votes, 46% like it
|
If there was an award for biggest appetite, I would eat it.
of 40 votes, 38% like it
|
Sometimes I think I worry too much. Then I worry I think too much
of 50 votes, 44% like it
|
|
Don't hate the player, hate the game developer.
of 57 votes, 51% like it
|
What mimes do in private is better left unsaid.
of 48 votes, 63% like it
|
Snakes suck at hands-on activities.
of 44 votes, 30% like it
|
|
Time travel never gets old.
of 49 votes, 47% like it
|
Revenge is a dish best served on something that explodes.
of 59 votes, 66% like it
|
I hope I don't spontaneously combust right now.
of 40 votes, 48% like it
|
|
Time travel was cooler in the 2150's
of 49 votes, 37% like it
|
Absolute Zero: there's nothing cooler.
of 51 votes, 39% like it
|
A book is my favorite literary device.
of 41 votes, 37% like it
|
|
Dear Lord, please bless these noodles. Ramen.
of 72 votes, 58% like it
|
If I was you, I'd be wondering what happened to me.
of 47 votes, 32% like it
|
I don't like being branded. It burns.
of 50 votes, 36% like it
|
|
Some get down to business. I get down to music.
of 45 votes, 47% like it
|
If it was up to me, things wouldn't be up to me.
of 62 votes, 47% like it
|
Every dog has its day. Except wolves. They have nights.
of 56 votes, 52% like it
|
|
My hatred of metaphors is like some kind of metaphor hatred.
of 46 votes, 46% like it
|
If I didn't know better, I'd think a lot of stupid things.
of 41 votes, 32% like it
|
I've got the art of hypothesis testing down to a science.
of 40 votes, 43% like it
|
|
I put ketchup on my food and pretend I'm eating a crime scene.
of 45 votes, 38% like it
|
When you consider the vastness of space, I'm still pretty rad.
of 45 votes, 42% like it
|
Quoth the raven: "Caw! Caw! I'm a raven!"
of 52 votes, 42% like it
|
|
I like my ice cream in mint condition.
of 57 votes, 56% like it
|
Anything you can do, I can halfheartedly attempt.
of 61 votes, 62% like it
|
Even if I don't snooze, I still quite often lose.
of 41 votes, 37% like it
|
|
There's nothing like nihilism.
of 50 votes, 38% like it
|
Sarcasm never, ever, ever gets old.
of 50 votes, 50% like it
|
The Dark Ages could have really used a knight light.
of 44 votes, 43% like it
|
|
Anything you can do, I can pretend to do better.
of 51 votes, 41% like it
|
I throw caution to the wind, but it just gets blown back again.
of 47 votes, 43% like it
|
The grass is always greener on the road less traveled.
of 46 votes, 54% like it
|
|
Anything you can do, I can downplay the importance of doing.
of 48 votes, 48% like it
|
Werewolves are not cat people.
of 47 votes, 45% like it
|
Round candy on a stick is for suckers.
of 57 votes, 49% like it
|
|
Potatoes: a valuable source of potato.
of 65 votes, 51% like it
|
Who doesn't love a good rhetorical question?
of 80 votes, 71% like it
|
Knowledge is power, but brute force gets lunch money.
of 63 votes, 52% like it
|
|
Shining armor is my strong suit.
of 67 votes, 42% like it
|
For every action there is an equal and opposite hatred of physics
of 59 votes, 59% like it
|
I'm a terrible example of how people my age should act.
of 64 votes, 47% like it
|
|
people who live in glass houses shouldn't live in glass houses.
of 56 votes, 38% like it
|
Question authority. Because I said so.
of 58 votes, 57% like it
|
Don't sweat the small stuff, unless it's flesh-eating bacteria.
of 65 votes, 63% like it
|
|
As far as I'm concerned, concern isn't a measurable distance.
of 47 votes, 40% like it
|
Organic Chemistry: it's chemistry, but with hippies.
of 54 votes, 43% like it
|
I was into time travel before it was invented.
of 51 votes, 45% like it
|
|
The best things in life are free bags of money.
of 62 votes, 45% like it
|
I'm too messy for organized crime.
of 81 votes, 54% like it
|
On the quantum level we could both be wearing this shirt.
of 75 votes, 73% like it
|
|
My 15 minutes of fame was interrupted by a water-skiing squirrel.
of 63 votes, 67% like it
|
I liked the current popular phenomenon before it was cool.
of 55 votes, 42% like it
|
I liked humanitarians until I learned what vegetarians eat.
of 54 votes, 44% like it
|
|
The Bronze Age: History's third greatest period.
of 58 votes, 52% like it
|
The Bronze Age: History's third best period.
of 48 votes, 52% like it
|
The best defense is a good offense. The best offense is your mom.
of 76 votes, 64% like it
|
|
Offhand remarks are offensive to pirates.
of 59 votes, 47% like it
|
In space, no one can eat your ice cream.
of 68 votes, 53% like it
|
Paranoia is all in the head. And so are tiny radios.
of 59 votes, 47% like it
|
|
Sweet dreams are made of synaptic neurotransmitters.
of 71 votes, 61% like it
|
I used to be a cat person. Now I'm a werewolf.
of 74 votes, 66% like it
|
In a parallel universe, a duck is wearing this.
of 62 votes, 53% like it
|
|
Everything you know about opposite day is wrong.
of 63 votes, 63% like it
|
Structural engineers raise the roof.
of 60 votes, 55% like it
|
If you can't say something nice, use hand puppets.
of 62 votes, 55% like it
|
|
If you don't have anything nice to say, use hand puppets.
of 43 votes, 44% like it
|
It takes an open mind to appreciate brain surgery.
of 63 votes, 59% like it
|
Like a bridge over troubled water, I will collapse due to neglect
of 51 votes, 49% like it
|
|
What's so funny about the face of danger?
of 69 votes, 65% like it
|
Your mom is a good comeback.
of 57 votes, 44% like it
|
Conspiracy theories are just a government plot to confuse us.
of 84 votes, 74% like it
|
|
I'm just a radioactive explosion away from super powers.
of 70 votes, 67% like it
|
Housewarming parties are hazardous to igloos.
of 86 votes, 74% like it
|
Genetic Engineering: It gives you wings!
of 80 votes, 69% like it
|
|
Narcissism happens to the best of us.
of 105 votes, 75% like it
|
Narcissism: It happens to the best of us.
of 69 votes, 68% like it
|
Tentacles are for suckers.
of 77 votes, 53% like it
|
|
I'm only selfish if there's something in it for me.
of 97 votes, 74% like it
|
This shirt is to be read in funny accents only.
of 89 votes, 71% like it
|
This shirt is to be read in foreign accents only.
of 65 votes, 55% like it
|
|
I have a love-hate relationship with antonyms.
of 80 votes, 66% like it
|
I laugh behind the back of danger.
of 87 votes, 67% like it
|
I suppress my feelings too but you don't see me crying about it.
of 106 votes, 75% like it
|
|
If it weren't for cartoons, I'd never know what an anvil is.
of 75 votes, 63% like it
|
Broccoli makes me feel like a dinosaur.
of 88 votes, 75% like it
|
Decomposition. Let me break it down for you.
of 86 votes, 72% like it
|
|
I have an on again, off again relationship with light switches.
of 80 votes, 66% like it
|
The truth is out there. Which is why I generally stay indoors.
of 100 votes, 73% like it
|
All issues are black and white to dogs.
of 64 votes, 55% like it
|
|
It's the hard knock life for doors.
of 71 votes, 63% like it
|
Exorcists Bring Out The Worst in Me.
of 81 votes, 69% like it
|
Exorcism Brings Out the Worst in People.
of 69 votes, 62% like it
|
|
I only run from my problems if they're really slow.
of 75 votes, 68% like it
|
You can't beat good friends, because assault is illegal.
of 74 votes, 69% like it
|
You can't beat good friends, because that's assault.
of 69 votes, 48% like it
|
|
Mosquitoes suck at life.
of 61 votes, 49% like it
|
Hyenas are crying on the inside.
of 80 votes, 61% like it
|
I have an on again/ off again relationship with buses.
of 76 votes, 41% like it
|
|
I Don't See What's So Great About Invisibility.
of 77 votes, 57% like it
|
I have an on again, off again relationship with trampolines.
of 73 votes, 52% like it
|
I went on vacation, and in an unrelated story I got this shirt.
of 71 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Old Habits and Zombies Have One Thing in Common.
of 76 votes, 46% like it
|
Screw Sharks, I Want a Sloth Week.
of 79 votes, 48% like it
|
I Don't Believe in Magic, But My Unicorn Does.
of 91 votes, 64% like it
|
|
If there's one thing I hate, it's war, anchovies, and counting.
of 76 votes, 54% like it
|
Realists See the Glass as Half Water.
of 88 votes, 65% like it
|
I Can't See What's So Great About Invisibility.
of 78 votes, 59% like it
|
|
I Can't See What's So Cool About Invisibility.
of 63 votes, 43% like it
|
If everyone marched to a different drum, parades would be chaos.
of 79 votes, 66% like it
|
All My Favorite Dinosaurs Are Dead.
of 90 votes, 54% like it
|
|
The up side of nuclear war is a lot more glow in the dark stuff.
of 86 votes, 65% like it
|
If You're Happy and You're Easily Persuaded Clap Your Hands.
of 85 votes, 59% like it
|
To make a long story short, don't read it.
of 87 votes, 53% like it
|
|
For lack of a better word, get a better thesaurus.
of 88 votes, 53% like it
|
I've put my bad habits behind me. [on back] Smoke! Drink! Steal!
of 111 votes, 63% like it
|
Sometimes I make sense, sometimes I drive my pancake suit.
of 93 votes, 52% like it
|
|
If the music gets all intense, I'm about to do something cool.
of 95 votes, 48% like it
|
I'm rubber, you're glue, and I have troubling identity issues.
of 93 votes, 49% like it
|
Pollution: Our Grossest National Product.
of 88 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Chivalry is dead. Luckily, so are dragons.
of 126 votes, 64% like it
|
Sometimes I make sense, sometimes I pancake suit.
of 104 votes, 49% like it
|
Someone should do something about all this laziness.
of 99 votes, 53% like it
|
|
I'm afraid of heights, widths, and other linear measurements.
of 114 votes, 73% like it
|
I can't tell you how cool it is to be a secret agent.
of 131 votes, 68% like it
|
Opportunity Knocked, But Laziness Came Right On In.
of 98 votes, 55% like it
|
|
Did Anyone Ever Think to Ask The Glass How it Sees Itself?
of 113 votes, 57% like it
|
I sure hope my clothes don't start displaying my inner thoughts.
of 112 votes, 54% like it
|
If I was better at science, this would be a chemistry joke.
of 99 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Wisdom Teeth Were A Stupid Idea.
of 104 votes, 64% like it
|
I take crazy pills very seriously.
of 92 votes, 43% like it
|
Take My Advice. I'm Not Even Using It.
of 98 votes, 52% like it
|
|
You'd be amazed at what I can get done when I'm procrastinating.
of 89 votes, 43% like it
|
The Only Wars Worth Fighting Involve Opposable Thumbs.
of 86 votes, 50% like it
|
Curiosity Killed The Cat. Deception Blamed it on the Dog.
of 91 votes, 54% like it
|
|
Take Responsibility. You Can Have Mine!
of 98 votes, 55% like it
|
Somewhere on this shirt, there is a chameleon.
of 112 votes, 60% like it
|
Y is My Favorite Vowel, Sometimes.
of 102 votes, 58% like it
|
|
Microbiologists appreciate the little things in life.
of 91 votes, 59% like it
|
Zombie Cats are Nine Times as Terrifying.
of 105 votes, 57% like it
|
Styrofoam: The Other White Trash
of 95 votes, 55% like it
|
|
Amnesia Isn't Bad If You Really Like Surprises.
of 97 votes, 58% like it
|
Quitting While You're Behind is Also an Option.
of 114 votes, 58% like it
|
Humanitarians: Making Vegetarians a Little Uncomfortable.
of 120 votes, 55% like it
|
|
Humanitarians: They Eat People.
of 101 votes, 45% like it
|
Astronomy is Way Over My Head.
of 128 votes, 59% like it
|
Everyone's a synchronized swimmer when there's a shark.
of 100 votes, 47% like it
|
|
I'm a lot cooler now that I'm into liquid nitrogen.
of 92 votes, 43% like it
|
Winning Isn't Everything. There's Also the Gloating.
of 136 votes, 66% like it
|
This shirt changes color when I spill paint on it.
of 119 votes, 53% like it
|
|
Looking on the bright side is bad for my retinas.
of 148 votes, 66% like it
|
Quantum Mechanics Both Are and Are Not Fixing My Car Right Now.
of 105 votes, 49% like it
|
Fun-Size Candy Bars Are Lies.
of 110 votes, 50% like it
|
|
Cartoons: The Only Way Our Kids Will Know What Anvils Are.
of 140 votes, 64% like it
|
Future Archaeologists Are Going To Love Me.
of 101 votes, 56% like it
|
Elevators Take It To the Next Level.
of 133 votes, 59% like it
|
|
My Air Guitar Needs New Strings.
of 106 votes, 49% like it
|
Hyenas Cry on the Inside.
of 120 votes, 53% like it
|
All Cavemen Were Underground Artists.
of 117 votes, 56% like it
|
|
Celebrate Diversity. Just Don't Be Weird About It.
of 127 votes, 59% like it
|
Plate Tectonics is Tearing Us Apart
of 126 votes, 58% like it
|
Balloons Hate Pop Music.
of 101 votes, 48% like it
|
|
Balloons Hate Pop Culture.
of 118 votes, 54% like it
|
Get Even. Multiply by Two.
of 136 votes, 63% like it
|
I Liked Winter Before It Was Cool.
of 110 votes, 45% like it
|
|
I Make Badminton Look Goodminton.
of 138 votes, 59% like it
|
Continental Drift is Tearing Us Apart.
of 124 votes, 46% like it
|
What I lack in talent I make up for in exaggeration.
of 156 votes, 62% like it
|
|
Coffee gets me through the day. Kool-Aid gets me through the wall
of 190 votes, 66% like it
|
Video Game Jokes Work on So Many Levels.
of 147 votes, 59% like it
|
Curiosity Killed The Cat. Fascination Poked it With a Stick.
of 216 votes, 75% like it
|
|
May all of your dreams come true. Except the falling ones.
of 142 votes, 54% like it
|
Resist Peer Pressure. All the Cool Kids are Doing it.
of 175 votes, 69% like it
|
Never trust an owl to give you reliable advice regarding candy.
of 154 votes, 58% like it
|
|
No Man is an Island, Because People Aren’t Landmasses.
of 126 votes, 48% like it
|
Compasses are self-centered tools.
of 137 votes, 51% like it
|
You can put words in my mouth if they're written in frosting.
of 143 votes, 57% like it
|
|
Compasses are self-centered.
of 125 votes, 52% like it
|
Zombies Are Dead to Me.
of 131 votes, 47% like it
|
English has too many rules, i.e., except after C.
of 130 votes, 55% like it
|
|
Space: It's Way Over My Head.
of 143 votes, 57% like it
|
I'm the stunt double. You might want to stand back.
of 128 votes, 48% like it
|
Semicolons; They Make You Look Smarter.
of 160 votes, 61% like it
|
|
Crime doesn't pay, unless you're really good at it.
of 137 votes, 60% like it
|
My Resolution This Year is 600 dpi
of 156 votes, 57% like it
|
My New Year's Resolution is 600 dpi.
of 138 votes, 53% like it
|
|
There's more than one way to skin a cat. All of them are gross.
of 162 votes, 60% like it
|
Putting your money where your mouth is will likely get you sick.
of 137 votes, 55% like it
|
A Heart of Gold Would Cause Severe Health Problems.
of 141 votes, 55% like it
|
|
If everyone gave just a little more, I'd have a lot more stuff.
of 126 votes, 55% like it
|
Sloth: Seventh deadly sin. Second deadliest mammal.
of 171 votes, 59% like it
|
Thinking outside the box gets you fired from the box factory.
of 183 votes, 68% like it
|
|
If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
of 250 votes, 82% like it
|
String Theory: Kitten Tested, Physics Unproved.
of 139 votes, 54% like it
|
Inflation hurts us all. Unless you make balloon animals.
of 147 votes, 58% like it
|
|
Save the Whales. (we'll need them when the krill revolt.)
of 149 votes, 54% like it
|
Born to Rock.
Adopted by Scissors.
of 150 votes, 58% like it
|
Video Games are fun on so many levels.
of 205 votes, 60% like it
|
|
Optimists and Pessimists Agree: We Need a Refill
of 306 votes, 68% like it
|
