Box-kicking: The lazy man's kickboxing.
of 17 votes, 6% like it
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When duty calls, I hang up.
of 21 votes, 10% like it
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All knowledge will one day be on the bottom of bottle caps.
of 17 votes, 12% like it
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It's ok, I only eat the ugly animals.
of 28 votes, 32% like it
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I suppress my feelings too but you don't see me crying about it.
of 32 votes, 47% like it
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I don't care to be called apathetic.
of 26 votes, 15% like it
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I secretly hate animals.
of 23 votes, 17% like it
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Kickboxing is dangerous. I'll stick to box-kicking.
of 32 votes, 47% like it
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite physics sucks.
of 27 votes, 26% like it
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If it weren't for cartoons, I'd never know what anvils are.
of 19 votes, 26% like it
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If it weren't for cartoons, I'd never know what an anvil is.
of 21 votes, 33% like it
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My life story went straight to video.
of 22 votes, 59% like it
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Mice aren't modest, they just can't speak.
of 15 votes, 27% like it
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Guns don't kill witches. Squirt guns kill witches.
of 20 votes, 35% like it
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Aardvarks aare aawesome!
of 23 votes, 52% like it
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Broccoli makes me feel like a dinosaur.
of 27 votes, 63% like it
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Rhetorical questions are overused. Or are they?
of 22 votes, 55% like it
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Decomposition. Let me break it down for you.
of 29 votes, 59% like it
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I have an on again, off again relationship with light switches.
of 30 votes, 47% like it
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If at first you don't succeed, try not being a miserable failure.
of 27 votes, 26% like it
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If at first you don't succeed, try, try not to suck so much.
of 30 votes, 20% like it
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The truth is out there. Which is why I generally stay indoors.
of 43 votes, 58% like it
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I put the 'rad' in 'random'.
I might also be dyslexic.
of 28 votes, 43% like it
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All issues are black and white to dogs.
of 30 votes, 47% like it
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I hit the jackpot, and it broke.
of 29 votes, 45% like it
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It's the hard knock life for doors.
of 34 votes, 59% like it
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Exorcists Bring Out The Worst in Me.
of 36 votes, 61% like it
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Exorcism Brings Out the Worst in People.
of 35 votes, 57% like it
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I only run from my problems if they're really slow.
of 31 votes, 58% like it
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You can't beat good friends, because assault is illegal.
of 34 votes, 65% like it
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You can't beat good friends, because that's assault.
of 36 votes, 47% like it
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Mosquitoes suck at life.
of 29 votes, 38% like it
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Hyenas are crying on the inside.
of 36 votes, 47% like it
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I'm Not Afraid of Rejection. But My New Kidney Is.
of 39 votes, 56% like it
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I Should Sue For Every Second That Instant Rice Isn't.
of 29 votes, 45% like it
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I have an on again/ off again relationship with buses.
of 43 votes, 40% like it
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I Don't See What's So Great About Invisibility.
of 40 votes, 48% like it
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I have an on again, off again relationship with trampolines.
of 43 votes, 56% like it
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Hermit crabs hate the buddy system.
of 33 votes, 48% like it
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Persistence Pays Off, But So Does Bribery.
of 53 votes, 47% like it
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I went on vacation, and in an unrelated story I got this shirt.
of 47 votes, 40% like it
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Old Habits and Zombies Have One Thing in Common.
of 44 votes, 34% like it
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Old Habits, Bruce Willis, and Zombies Have One Thing in Common.
of 46 votes, 39% like it
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Screw Sharks, I Want a Sloth Week.
of 51 votes, 41% like it
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I Don't Believe in Magic, But My Unicorn Does.
of 56 votes, 57% like it
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If there's one thing I hate, it's war, anchovies, and counting.
of 46 votes, 43% like it
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Realists See the Glass as Half Water.
of 52 votes, 58% like it
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Cyborgs See the Glass as Half Robot.
of 38 votes, 37% like it
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I Can't See What's So Great About Invisibility.
of 52 votes, 58% like it
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I Can't See What's So Cool About Invisibility.
of 39 votes, 41% like it
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If everyone marched to a different drum, parades would be chaos.
of 48 votes, 65% like it
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All We Need is Love. And Food. And Water. And Shelter.
of 49 votes, 67% like it
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I love life, but life just wants to be friends.
of 65 votes, 63% like it
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My fantastic abilities don't work on this planet.
of 51 votes, 67% like it
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My incredible abilities don't work on this planet.
of 36 votes, 53% like it
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All My Favorite Dinosaurs Are Dead.
of 57 votes, 46% like it
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The up side of nuclear war is a lot more glow in the dark stuff.
of 54 votes, 63% like it
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I don't believe in magic, but my dragon does.
of 55 votes, 53% like it
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Strangers Are Just Friends You Haven't Driven Away Yet.
of 53 votes, 49% like it
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If You're Happy and You're Easily Persuaded Clap Your Hands.
of 54 votes, 50% like it
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To make a long story short, don't read it.
of 57 votes, 46% like it
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For lack of a better word, get a better thesaurus.
of 62 votes, 50% like it
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I've put my bad habits behind me. [on back] Smoke! Drink! Steal!
of 82 votes, 62% like it
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The Government Is Watching You Read This.
of 63 votes, 44% like it
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Poor spellers aren't my typo.
of 71 votes, 41% like it
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Sometimes I make sense, sometimes I drive my pancake suit.
of 65 votes, 48% like it
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If the music gets all intense, I'm about to do something cool.
of 71 votes, 48% like it
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If the music gets all intense, I'm about to do something awesome.
of 64 votes, 39% like it
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I'm rubber, you're glue, and I have troubling identity issues.
of 71 votes, 46% like it
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Pollution: Our Grossest National Product.
of 66 votes, 48% like it
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Chivalry is dead. Luckily, so are dragons.
of 95 votes, 61% like it
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Sometimes I make sense, sometimes I pancake suit.
of 82 votes, 49% like it
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Me and perspective go way back.
of 66 votes, 41% like it
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Someone should do something about all this laziness.
of 75 votes, 48% like it
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Charles Darwin Hates Your Pokémons.
of 88 votes, 58% like it
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I'm afraid of heights, widths, and other linear measurements.
of 84 votes, 74% like it
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I can't tell you how cool it is to be a secret agent.
of 103 votes, 68% like it
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Chivalry isn't dead, suits of armor are just really expensive.
of 88 votes, 58% like it
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All my favorite species are dead.
of 82 votes, 57% like it
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Opportunity Knocked, But Laziness Came Right On In.
of 73 votes, 53% like it
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Paid advertisements are too commercial these days.
of 66 votes, 35% like it
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Did Anyone Ever Think to Ask The Glass How it Sees Itself?
of 82 votes, 52% like it
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I sure hope my clothes don't start displaying my inner thoughts.
of 80 votes, 50% like it
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If I was better at science, this would be a chemistry joke.
of 76 votes, 43% like it
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Wisdom Teeth Were A Stupid Idea.
of 76 votes, 67% like it
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I take crazy pills very seriously.
of 71 votes, 42% like it
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Take My Advice. I'm Not Even Using It.
of 68 votes, 43% like it
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You'd be amazed at what I can get done when I'm procrastinating.
of 69 votes, 43% like it
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The Only Wars Worth Fighting Involve Opposable Thumbs.
of 64 votes, 48% like it
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Curiosity Killed The Cat. Deception Blamed it on the Dog.
of 65 votes, 51% like it
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Take Responsibility. You Can Have Mine!
of 72 votes, 51% like it
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Somewhere on this shirt, there is a chameleon.
of 84 votes, 57% like it
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If we share so much DNA with chimps, why do I have to wear pants?
of 62 votes, 48% like it
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Y is My Favorite Vowel, Sometimes.
of 71 votes, 55% like it
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If you think I'm cool now, wait 'til you see my action figures.
of 66 votes, 53% like it
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Microbiologists appreciate the little things in life.
of 68 votes, 57% like it
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Sliced Bread: The Best Thing Since Unsliced Bread.
of 67 votes, 42% like it
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Zombie Cats are Nine Times as Terrifying.
of 79 votes, 52% like it
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I feel awkward in hypothetical situations.
of 67 votes, 52% like it
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Plagiarism: Getting in Trouble For Something You Didn’t Do.
of 67 votes, 58% like it
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Plagiarism: Getting in Trouble For Something You Didn’t Even Do.
of 94 votes, 76% like it
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Fire: The Worst Matter to Take into Your Own Hands.
of 67 votes, 40% like it
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The 12 Step Program Didn't Help My Dancing Problem.
of 65 votes, 42% like it
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Styrofoam: The Other White Trash
of 72 votes, 54% like it
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A pirate is only as good as the number of body parts he’s missing
of 62 votes, 42% like it
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Amnesia Isn't Bad If You Really Like Surprises.
of 70 votes, 53% like it
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Quitting While You're Behind is Also an Option.
of 94 votes, 56% like it
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Humanitarians: Making Vegetarians a Little Uncomfortable.
of 96 votes, 54% like it
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Humanitarians: They Eat People.
of 83 votes, 45% like it
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Astronomy is Way Over My Head.
of 99 votes, 57% like it
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Everyone's a synchronized swimmer when there's a shark.
of 77 votes, 43% like it
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I'm a lot cooler now that I'm into liquid nitrogen.
of 74 votes, 43% like it
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Winning Isn't Everything. There's Also the Gloating.
of 114 votes, 68% like it
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This shirt changes color when I spill paint on it.
of 95 votes, 51% like it
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I liked homework better when it was called coloring.
of 141 votes, 74% like it
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Looking on the bright side is bad for my retinas.
of 125 votes, 67% like it
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Quantum Mechanics Both Are and Are Not Fixing My Car Right Now.
of 85 votes, 46% like it
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Fun-Size Candy Bars Are Lies.
of 90 votes, 49% like it
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Cartoons: The Only Way Our Kids Will Know What Anvils Are.
of 121 votes, 65% like it
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People are like pizza toppings. What I mean is, I eat people.
of 93 votes, 48% like it
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Future Archaeologists Are Going To Love Me.
of 81 votes, 56% like it
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A pirate is only as good as the number of body parts he’s lost.
of 90 votes, 47% like it
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Elevators Take It To the Next Level.
of 108 votes, 57% like it
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My Air Guitar Needs New Strings.
of 91 votes, 49% like it
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Hyenas Cry on the Inside.
of 104 votes, 53% like it
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All Cavemen Were Underground Artists.
of 97 votes, 56% like it
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Celebrate Diversity. Just Don't Be Weird About It.
of 107 votes, 59% like it
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Plate Tectonics is Tearing Us Apart
of 107 votes, 60% like it
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Balloons Hate Pop Music.
of 86 votes, 49% like it
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Balloons Hate Pop Culture.
of 97 votes, 54% like it
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Get Even. Multiply by Two.
of 114 votes, 62% like it
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Multiplying by Two is How I Get Even.
of 78 votes, 42% like it
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I Liked Winter Before It Was Cool.
of 92 votes, 43% like it
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I Make Badminton Look Goodminton.
of 112 votes, 57% like it
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This Dance Party Needs More Dance Party
of 77 votes, 32% like it
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Continental Drift is Tearing Us Apart.
of 105 votes, 46% like it
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What I lack in talent I make up for in exaggeration.
of 135 votes, 62% like it
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Coffee gets me through the day. Kool-Aid gets me through the wall
of 157 votes, 64% like it
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Early Bird Specials are Unfair to Owls.
of 115 votes, 56% like it
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Video Game Jokes Work on So Many Levels.
of 120 votes, 58% like it
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Curiosity Killed The Cat. Fascination Poked it With a Stick.
of 183 votes, 75% like it
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I’m Not Mean, Just Statistically Average.
of 100 votes, 43% like it
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May all of your dreams come true. Except the falling ones.
of 122 votes, 52% like it
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A Real Doctor Would Never Prescribe a Diet of Green Eggs and Ham.
of 121 votes, 53% like it
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Resist Peer Pressure. All the Cool Kids are Doing it.
of 146 votes, 68% like it
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Never trust an owl to give you reliable advice regarding candy.
of 133 votes, 59% like it
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No Man is an Island, Because People Aren’t Landmasses.
of 105 votes, 48% like it
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Nostalgia Was Better in the Old Days.
of 137 votes, 63% like it
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Taking one for the team got me banned from the sports store.
of 118 votes, 49% like it
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Compasses are self-centered tools.
of 115 votes, 50% like it
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You can put words in my mouth if they're written in frosting.
of 122 votes, 57% like it
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Compasses are self-centered.
of 104 votes, 52% like it
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Zombies Are Dead to Me.
of 108 votes, 45% like it
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English has too many rules, i.e., except after C.
of 109 votes, 53% like it
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Cupid: The Heavily Armed Naked Flying Baby You WANT to Be Shot By
of 101 votes, 55% like it
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If picket sign makers went on strike, you would never know it.
of 127 votes, 60% like it
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Space: It's Way Over My Head.
of 122 votes, 57% like it
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I'm the stunt double. You might want to stand back.
of 108 votes, 47% like it
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You might want to stand back; I'm the stunt double.
of 91 votes, 44% like it
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Semicolons; They Make You Look Smarter.
of 137 votes, 61% like it
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Crime doesn't pay, unless you're really good at it.
of 115 votes, 59% like it
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My Resolution This Year is 600 dpi
of 134 votes, 57% like it
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My New Year's Resolution is 600 dpi.
of 115 votes, 52% like it
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There's more than one way to skin a cat. All of them are gross.
of 140 votes, 59% like it
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The 5 Second Rule Does Not Apply in Outer Space.
of 122 votes, 43% like it
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Putting your money where your mouth is will likely get you sick.
of 116 votes, 55% like it
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A Heart of Gold Would Cause Severe Health Problems.
of 119 votes, 55% like it
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If everyone gave just a little more, I'd have a lot more stuff.
of 106 votes, 54% like it
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A heart of gold would cause severe circulatory problems.
of 98 votes, 46% like it
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Sloth: Seventh deadly sin. Second deadliest mammal.
of 142 votes, 57% like it
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Thinking outside the box gets you fired from the box factory.
of 158 votes, 68% like it
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If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.
of 206 votes, 81% like it
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Laughter may not be the best medicine for people mauled by hyenas
of 133 votes, 57% like it
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String Theory: Kitten Tested, Physics Unproved.
of 111 votes, 50% like it
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Inflation hurts us all. Unless you make balloon animals.
of 124 votes, 58% like it
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Save the Whales. (we'll need them when the krill revolt.)
of 127 votes, 53% like it
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Born to Rock.
Adopted by Scissors.
of 128 votes, 54% like it
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I'm so cultured I make yogurt jealous.
of 151 votes, 49% like it
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Video Games are fun on so many levels.
of 174 votes, 58% like it
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Optimists and Pessimists Agree: We Need a Refill
of 270 votes, 67% like it
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