BROS,

A WHILE BACK I POSTED A BLOG ABOUT MY BRO, MIKE DISNEY. IN CASE YOU FORGOT, MIKE DISNEY'S MOM GAVE ME FREE PASSES TO DISNEYLAND FOR SAVIN' HER SON FROM GETTIN' HIS ASS KICKED. WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO LAST MAY, BUT KENNY COULDN'T GET AN EXTRA DAY OFF WORK. ANYWAY WE FINALLY GOT IT TOGETHER. ME, KENNY AND MIKE BOUGHT PLANE TICKETS AND FLEW OURSELFS OUT THERE LAST WEEKEND. I HAD NEVER BEEN TO A DISNEY PARK BEFORE, AND I AIN'T EVER GOIN' BACK SINCE WE ALL GOT FUCKIN' BANNED AND SHIT. HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED...

WE GOT TO DISNEYLAND ON SATURDAY MORNIN'. MIKE DISNEY HAD BEEN OUT THERE WITH HIS FAMILY LIKE EVERY YEAR WHEN HE WAS GROWIN' UP SO HE
SAID HE WAS GONNA SHOW US THE ROPES AND SHIT. SO WE GO THROUGH THE GATES AND START WALKIN' DOWN MAIN STREET. RIGHT AWAY, MIKE
FUCKIN' DISNEY STARTS STRUTTIN' AROUND LIKE HE FUCKIN' OWNS THE PLACE. HE WAS POINTIN' AT EVERY LITTLE THING HE SAW AND TELLIN' ME AND KENNY POINTLESS FUCKIN' TRIVIA ABOUT IT. KENNY TOLD MIKE TO, "CHILL OUT, BRO" LIKE FIVE TIMES BEFORE WE EVEN GOT HALFWAY DOWN THE STREET. THEN AS WE WERE WALKIN' BY SOME GIFT SHOP, THIS SMOKIN' HOT CHICK DRESSED LIKE SNOW WHITE WALKS OUT. MIKE DISNEY STOPPED IN HIS TRACKS. HE WAS ALL,"CHECK THIS OUT, FIRESTORM!" THEN HE YELLS OUT, "HEY SNOW WHITE! LET'S SEE SOME TITTIES!" BROS, YOU SHOULDA SEEN THE LOOK ON SNOW WHITE'S FACE. SHE STOOD THERE IN SHOCK FOR A MINUTE AND THEN SIGNALED OVER TO SOMEONE IN THE GIFT SHOP. NEXT THING YOU KNOW, TWO DUDES FROM SECURITY COME OUT AND GRAB MIKE DISNEY BY EACH ARM AND START TAKIN' HIM AWAY.

MIKE LOOKED AT ME AND KENNY WITH A TOTALLY FUCKIN' HORRIFIED LOOK ON HIS FACE. YOU COULD TELL HE WAS UPSET THAT WE WERN'T FOLLOWIN' HIM. AS THEY DRAGGED HIM AWAY, I SAID, "SEE YA BACK THE THE HOTEL, DIPSHIT." IT WAS RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT THAT THEY GOT MIKE DISNEY THROUGH SOME DOOR AND IT CLOSED WITH A LOUD, METAL BANG. THEN, ONE OF THE SECURITY DUDES CAME BACK AND TOLD US THAT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR WASN'T FUCKIN' TOLERATED AT DISNEYLAND AND THAT OUR FRIEND WASN'T GONNA BE ALLOWED BACK IN. THEN HE TOLD ME I NEEDED TO TURN MY "LAST FUCKIN' UNICORN" SHIRT INSIDE OUT. HE WAS ALL, "BOSOMS AREN'T FOR CHILDREN." NORMALLY, IF SOMEONE SAID SOMETHIN' LIKE THAT TO ME I WOULD HAVE BASHED HIS FACE IN, BUT I HAD NEVER BEEN TO FUCKIN' DISNEYLAND BEFORE AND WE HAD ONLY BEEN THERE FOR LIKE TEN MOTHER FUCKIN' MINUTES. SO I PULLED MY SHIRT OFF REAL QUICK AND PUT IT BACK ON INSIDE OUT.

AS WE WERE WALKIN' AWAY, I LOOKED BACK. THE SECURITY DUDE WAS STANDIN' WAY BACK THERE JUST STARIN' AT US. I TOLD KENNY WE NEEDED TO WATCH OURSELFS IF WE WERE GONNA GO ON ALL THE KICKASS RIDES. SO WE MADE THAT HAPPEN FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS. WE WENT ON A BUNCH OF SOLID RIDES, BROS. SPLASH MOUNTAIN, THUNDER MOUNTAIN, PIRATES OF THE FUCKIN' CARRIBEAN AND THE JUNGLE CRUISE. AFTER THAT, WE SAT DOWN TO GET SOMETHIN' TO EAT. CHECK IT OUT, BROS... WHILE ME AND KENNY WERE WOLFIN' DOWN BBQ CHICKENS, THESE TWO HOTASS BLONDE CHICKS SAT DOWN AT THE TABLE RIGHT NEXT TO US. THEY HAD BBQ CHICKENS TOO AND THEY BOTH KEPT LOOKIN' OVER AND AND SMILIN' AT US AND SHIT. AFTER A COUPLE MINUTES, I LOOKED OVER AT ONE OF 'EM AND I WAS ALL, "HEY BRO, YOU GOT BARBECUE SAUCE ALL OVER YOUR FACE. IT'S TOTALLY FUCKIN' HOT." THAT'S WHEN THEY PUSHED THEIR TABLE UP TO ME AND KENNY'S AND INTRODUCED THEMSELFS. THEIR NAMES WERE MADISON AND BRIDGET.

BROS, BOTH OF THESE CHICKS WERE TOTALLY FUCKIN' SOLID, SO WE HUNG OUT WITH 'EM. WE ALL WALKED AROUND THE PARK AND TALKED FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND THEN WE SAW THIS BIG, FUCKED UP BUILDING WITH ALL KINDS OF CRAZY FUCKIN' SHIT ON IT. BRIDGET WAS ALL, "WHAT RIDE IS THAT? WE SHOULD GO ON THAT!" KENNY PULLED OUT HIS LITTLE DISNEYLAND MAP AND LOOKED IT UP. I POINTED ON THE MAP AND SAID, "IT'S A SMALL FUCKIN' WORLD AFTERALL AND SHIT." SO WE WENT ON IT. I THOUGHT THE RIDE SUCKED ASS. IT WAS LIKE THEY WANTED TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD SEEM TOTALLY CAREFREE AND HAPPY AND SHIT. THAT AIN'T THE WAY IT WORKS, BROS. THE WHOLE TIME, I SAT ON THE RIDE WITH MY ARMS FOLDED AND A TOTALLY FUCKIN' SERIOUS EXPRESSION ON MY FACE. BRIDGET LIKED IT THOUGH, AND SHE KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK EVERYTIME SHE SAW SOMETHIN' SHE THOUGHT WAS CUTE OR WHATEVER. KENNY AND MADISON WERE MAKIN' OUT THE WHOLE TIME AND TOWARDS THE END, KENNY GOT MADISON TO TAKE HER TOP OFF. BAD IDEA, BROS. AS SOON AS WE GOT TO THE END OF THE RIDE, THE MOTHERFUCKIN' DISNEY POLICE WERE WAITIN' AND KENNY AND MADISON GOT TOSSED OUT.

ME AND BRIDGET STAYED UNDER CONTROL FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS AND WENT ON MORE RIDES. SPACE FUCKIN' MOUNTAIN WAS TOTALLY KILLER, BROS! WE DID THAT ONE TWICE. LATER ON, WE HEARD PEOPLE TALKIN' ABOUT FIREWORKS ABOUT TO START AND SHIT. WE WERE NEAR THE MONORAIL PLATFORM AND BRIDGET WAS ALL, "WE SHOULD GO UP THERE AND WATCH." SO WE WENT UP THERE AND STOOD BY THE RAILING. AS SOON AS THE FIREWORKS STARTED, BRIDGET STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND WE MADE OUT. HER HAIR SMELLED LIKE STRAWBERRIES, BROS. IT WAS SOLID. BUT THE NEXT THING I KNOW, I FEEL SOMEONE POKIN' ME IN THE BACK. I OPENED MY EYES AND TURNED AROUND AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER TIGGER WAS STANDIN' THERE.

TIGGER HAD BOTH OF HIS HANDS IN FRONT OF HIS MOUTH AND HE WAS JUMPIN' AROUND PRETENDIN' TO BE LAUGHIN' AND SHIT. I LOOKED AT HIM WITH WITH A TOTALLY STRAIGHT FACE AND SAID, "TAKE IT EASY, BRO." THEN I TURNED BACK AROUND AND STARTED MAKIN' OUT WITH BRIDGET AGAIN. THEN, A FEW SECONDS LATER, I FEEL MY SUNGLASSES BEIN' LIFTED OFF MY HEAD. I TURN AROUND AND TIGGER IS HOLDIN' 'EM IN HIS HAND AND JUMPIN' AROUND LIKE A JACKASS. STILL PRETENDIN' TO BE LAUGHIN'. WITHOUT EVEN THINKIN', I DECKED TIGGER IN THE FACE, SNATCHED THE GLASSES BACK AND PUSHED HIM BACK AS HARD AS I COULD, ALL THE WHILE SAYIN', "YOU KNOW WHAT? GO FUCK YOURSELF!" IT FELT LIKE IT WAS IN SLOW MOTION, BUT WHEN I PUSHED TIGGER BACK, HE FLEW OVER THE RAIL, AND THE MONORAIL CLIPPED HIM RIGHT AS IT WAS COMIN' IN. I'LL NEVER FORGET THE SOUND OF ALL THE LITTLE KIDS SCREAMING. WITHIN SECONDS, THE DISNEY POLICE WERE ON THE SCENE. AND EVEN THOUGH TIGGER DIDN'T BREAK ANY BONES, I HAD TO SPEND THE NIGHT IN AN ANAHEIM JAIL CELL. LUCKILY, MIKE DISNEY HAD THE CASH TO BAIL ME OUT THE NEXT DAY.

IF THERE'S A HAPPY ENDING TO THIS STORY, IT'S THAT THERE WAS STILL TIME FOR ME TO TAG BRIDGET A FEW TIMES BEFORE WE LEFT CALIFORNIA. SOLID TIMES, BROS!