A WHILE BACK, THIS CHICK I WORK WITH NAMED CHARLOTTE GOT KNOCKED UP AND TOOK A LEAVE OF ABSENSE SO’S SHE COULD HAVE HER FUCKIN’ BABY AND SHIT. TODAY, WHEN I CAME BACK FROM MY MORNING DELIVERY ROUTE, EVERYBODY WAS JAMMED INTO THE FUCKIN’ BREAK ROOM MAKIN’ A RACKET. SO I WALKS IN THERE AND I’M ALL, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN’ ON IN HERE, BROS?” MY SUPERVISOR TURNS AROUND AND HE’S ALL, “CHARLOTTE STOPPED IN WITH HER NEW BABY! HIS NAME IS JONATHAN!” THEN HE WAS ALL, “WE’RE GETTING PIZZAS TO CELEBRATE, SO STICK AROUND, RICHARD.”

I WAS FUCKIN’ PISSED THAT EVERYBODY WAS TAKIN’ UP MY BREAK TIME WITH THIS BULLSHIT, SO I WALKED TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM, STOOD UP AGAINST THE WALL AND FOLDED MY ARMS. THERE WAS NO EXPRESSION ON MY FACE. THEN LIKE TWO MINUTES LATER, CHARLOTTE AND TWO OTHER DUMBASS CHICKS COME OVER TO ME WITH THE STUPID, FUCKIN’ BABY. NEXT THING I KNOW, CHARLOTTE IS HOLDIN’ THE BABY OUT TO ME AND STARTS BOBBIN’ HIM UP AND DOWN. BABIES ARE FUCKIN’ ENTERTAINED BY THAT KIND OF SHIT, AND THIS ONE HAD A BIG FUCKIN’ SMILE ON HIS FACE AND HE WAS GIGGLIN’. CHARLOTTE KEPT PUSHIN’ THE BABY CLOSER AND CLOSER TO ME. I WAS ALL, “TAKE IT EASY, BRO.”

THEN CHARLOTTE WAS ALL, “HE LIKES YOU, DICK! WHY DON’T YOU HOLD HIM?” I WAS ALL, “FORGET ABOUT IT, BRO.” THEN RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT, THE PIZZA DUDE WALKS IN WITH A BIG STACK OF MOTHER FUCKIN’ PIZZA BOXES, SO I START WALKIN’ OVER TO GET A SLICE. NEXT THING I KNOW, SOMEONE’S GRABBIN’ ME BY THE ARM AND STARTS PULLIN’ ME BACK. I TURNED AROUND TO LOOK AND IT WAS CHARLOTTE. SHE HAD A DUMBASS SMILE ON HER FACE AND SHE WAS ALL, “DICK, YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY PIZZA UNTIL YOU SAY SOMETHING TO MY LITTLE JONATHAN!” THEN SHE HELD THE BABY OUT TOWARDS ME.

I STOOD THERE FOR A MOMENT JUST LOOKIN’ AT THE BABY DANGLIN’ IN HER ARMS. THE WHOLE ROOM WAS QUIET ALL OF A SUDDEN AND EVERYBODY TURNED TO LOOK AT ME. THAT’S WHEN I LEANED IN, POINTED IN THE BABY’S FACE AND YELLED, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!” THE BABY STARTED CRYIN’ IMMEDIATELY AND EVERYBODY WAS TOTALLY FUCKIN’ OUTRAGED AND SHIT. I WALKED OVER TO THE TABLE, AND GRABBED A PIZZA BOX CONTAININ’ A FULL, PEPPERONI PIZZA FOR MYSELF. AS I WAS ABOUT TO WALK OUT THE DOOR, I TURNED BACK AND LOOKED AT EVERYBODY STANDIN’ THERE WITH SHOCKED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES. I PAUSED FOR A SECOND, RAISED MY MIDDLE FINGER AND SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK ALLA YOUS!” THEN I WALKED OUT THE DOOR.