'No News is Good News' Explains Why I Don't Watch the News.
of 35 votes, 46% like it
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'Sleep keeps you alert,' said the monsters under my bed....
of 95 votes, 56% like it
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...Teach A Man To Ghoti, And He's Illiterate For Life.
of 46 votes, 35% like it
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31 Courses Later, I'm a Rocky Road Scholar...
of 20 votes, 10% like it
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Actually, I Get a Kick Out of Restless Leg Syndrome.
of 17 votes, 35% like it
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All Your Base Are Belong to Us, Once You Sign Over The Title...
of 26 votes, 15% like it
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Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Zombie Hunter packin' an AK-47...
of 31 votes, 42% like it
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An Open Mind Lets In Trash And Sunshine.
of 25 votes, 20% like it
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And also I'm redundant, too.
of 120 votes, 54% like it
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And Commence Pratfall -- NOW!
of 32 votes, 6% like it
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Awkward
(lots of space)
Pause.
of 113 votes, 57% like it
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Calculators: Finally a Gift That Counts.
of 65 votes, 66% like it
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Candy Would Sweeten Anyone's Coffee.
of 64 votes, 2% like it
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Cannibalism?! Not If I Were The Last Zombie On Earth!
of 16 votes, 13% like it
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Cleanliness Is Next To These Words -- Not Godliness.
of 59 votes, 8% like it
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Destiny Calls Collect.
of 52 votes, 50% like it
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Does This Extra Weight Make Me Look Fat?
of 43 votes, 40% like it
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Dude, I'll Decide When To Stop Saying 'Dude', Dude.
of 18 votes, 17% like it
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Even Sleeping Dogs Should Tell The Truth.
of 105 votes, 62% like it
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Fire Crackers: Not As Tasty As They Are Dangerous
of 57 votes, 39% like it
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Free Will Means I Can Make Up My Own Mind. ...I Think.
of 23 votes, 26% like it
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Free Will Means We Can Make Up Our Own Minds, Am I Right Or What?
of 19 votes, 21% like it
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Getting Picked Last In Dodgeball Means More Time To Strategize...
of 70 votes, 56% like it
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GPS Systems Lead To Mapathy.
of 46 votes, 37% like it
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Grunt If You Love Articulation!
of 25 votes, 20% like it
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Have I been authorized to question authority...?
of 53 votes, 47% like it
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Hope Keeps Me Going (so does digestion)
of 78 votes, 42% like it
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I Am Both Down With It And Up For It.
of 30 votes, 37% like it
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I Am Not Now, Nor Have I Ever Been, Able to Speak Legalese...
of 46 votes, 39% like it
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I Brake For Near-Miss Collisions.
of 35 votes, 40% like it
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I cheer for the referees.
of 86 votes, 48% like it
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I Choose Groceries So My Shopping Cart Will Freak People Out.
of 22 votes, 18% like it
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I Don't Want To Brag -- But My Fans Insist That I Do...
of 48 votes, 10% like it
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I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire -- Just Singe It A Bit.
of 36 votes, 8% like it
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I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire But Can't I Singe It A Bit?
of 51 votes, 24% like it
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I grew up reading comic books. Well, got older, anyway...
of 46 votes, 41% like it
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I Grew Up Watching Cartoons. Well, Got Older, Anyway....
of 40 votes, 38% like it
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I heard someone stole your thunder.
of 88 votes, 52% like it
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I Just Checked Over The Sun... Nothing New There Either...
of 33 votes, 30% like it
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I Left A Face Print On The Window of Opportunity.
of 69 votes, 54% like it
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I Lose Track of Time Like Clockwork.
of 27 votes, 30% like it
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I Lost My Street Cred in The Crash.
of 27 votes, 37% like it
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I Miss Appointments Like Clockwork.
of 34 votes, 32% like it
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I Neighver Spur On Horse Play.
of 24 votes, 13% like it
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I Once Had A Conniption Fit, But Often They're Too Snug...
of 39 votes, 38% like it
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I Play Poker With Candy to Sweeten The Deal.
of 32 votes, 22% like it
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I Prefer to be Closer to Bacon than Six Degrees of Separation.
of 61 votes, 46% like it
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I Still Don't Understand The Concept Of An 'Artificial Flavor'.
of 60 votes, 15% like it
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I Still Prefer Air Travel -- Captain! Ready My Cannon!
of 54 votes, 37% like it
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I Thought I Was a Kleptofanatic, But I'll Take Your Word For It.
of 36 votes, 39% like it
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I Was In An Interesting Hypothetical Situation The Other Day...
of 55 votes, 24% like it
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I Was Minding My P's And Q's, But I Forgot Why...
of 33 votes, 39% like it
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I Wear A Tie For Casual Fridays.
of 27 votes, 30% like it
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I'm Bringing Sexy Back For A Refund.
of 19 votes, 32% like it
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I'm Famous On That Internet Site You Never Visit.
of 20 votes, 15% like it
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I'm Never Wrong. Except Now.
of 61 votes, 18% like it
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I'm Not As Surprised As I Look.
of 32 votes, 41% like it
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I'm Proudest of My Self-Depreciation.
of 29 votes, 24% like it
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I'm slipping in and out of conscientiousness...
of 84 votes, 49% like it
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I'm So Bad At Playing Cards, I've Already Lost In The Shuffle.
of 67 votes, 13% like it
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I'm Tired Of Bright Ideas Keeping Me Awake At Night.
of 32 votes, 19% like it
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If I'm Talking With My Hands, I'm About To Stick Out My Tongue.
of 57 votes, 5% like it
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If Not For My Singing Career, I'd Never Shower.
of 24 votes, 13% like it
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If To Err Is Human, I Am Super-Human.
of 28 votes, 39% like it
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If To Err Is Human, I Am Superr-Human.
of 32 votes, 34% like it
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If Wishes Were Horses, I'd Happily Ride Into The Sunset.
of 27 votes, 22% like it
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If Wishes Were Horses, I'd Wish For More Horsing Around.
of 26 votes, 31% like it
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In the movie of your life, I have a walk-on part.
of 102 votes, 58% like it
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Instant Deja Vu... Just Ad Nauseum
of 88 votes, 41% like it
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It Takes the Village People To Raise A Roof.
of 89 votes, 53% like it
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Keep Learning! The More You Know, The More I Can Lean On You...
of 27 votes, 33% like it
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Kilts Simply Skirt the Issue.
of 89 votes, 49% like it
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Learning Is Worth Its Weight In Loans.
of 17 votes, 29% like it
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Let Me Be The First To Say 'Gralmufabits!'
of 26 votes, 8% like it
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Mistakes are messed up.
of 39 votes, 41% like it
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My Computer Keyboard Comes Complete With a Dysfunction Key.
of 23 votes, 17% like it
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My Dream Car is a Giant Flower.
of 33 votes, 30% like it
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My Ideal Hybrid Vehicle Would Be A Chimera.
of 94 votes, 56% like it
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My Outside Is My Good Side.
of 29 votes, 21% like it
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My Photographic Memory Card Is Full.
of 25 votes, 16% like it
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My Physical Manifestation is Immaterial.
of 45 votes, 38% like it
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My Productivity Is Determined By What's On The Internet Right Now
of 114 votes, 61% like it
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My Relaxed Look Just Means I Am Both Down With It And Up For It.
of 28 votes, 25% like it
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My Robot Body Is In The Shop - This Is Just A Loaner.
of 55 votes, 47% like it
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My soul patch just sprung a leak!
of 14 votes, 14% like it
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My Train Of Thought Is Full Of Gravy.
of 27 votes, 26% like it
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Natural Gas Is Nature's Number One Source of Laughs.
of 27 votes, 22% like it
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No Team I'm On Has Ever Been CHAMPIONS.
of 57 votes, 5% like it
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Now Accepting Applications For New Imaginary Friends...
of 27 votes, 41% like it
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Of All My Goals, My Best Achievement Was The 'Making Goals' Part.
of 20 votes, 15% like it
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Official 'Official Spokesperson' Spokesperson.
of 25 votes, 24% like it
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Official woodchuck chucked wood counter.
of 74 votes, 36% like it
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Oh Yeah! I WENT THERE! (...and my luggage remains lost...)
of 9 votes, 11% like it
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People Say I Never Listen. SO THERE!
of 15 votes, 7% like it
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Personality Tests Confirm I'm NSFW.
of 31 votes, 45% like it
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Personality Tests Confirm I'm OMFG.
of 58 votes, 45% like it
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Personality Tests Confirm That I Am ZOMG.
of 82 votes, 12% like it
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Pessimists And Optimists Agree: I'm Full Of It.
of 60 votes, 47% like it
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Please Explain 'Artificial Flavor' To Me Again...
of 69 votes, 22% like it
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Quietly Impressed That You're Resisting My Epic Charms.
of 100 votes, 41% like it
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Remember The Last Time You Couldn't Stop Laughing.
of 19 votes, 21% like it
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Sarcasm Is My Co-Pilot.
of 40 votes, 40% like it
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Scars: The Original Tattoos.
of 22 votes, 36% like it
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See Previous Shirt for More Details...
of 43 votes, 33% like it
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Sheep Need to Stand Up And Be Counted!
of 23 votes, 22% like it
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Shhh... I'm sleeping off my insomnia...
of 23 votes, 30% like it
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Shirt and Shoes: I Have Them. Now Serve Me.
of 26 votes, 31% like it
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Sleep Is My Dream Job.
of 1 votes, 0% like it
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Snowmen Give Zombies a Brain Freeze.
of 23 votes, 26% like it
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Sole Result of My Genetic Experiments: The Cat Has My Tongue.
of 96 votes, 44% like it
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Some Things Mankind Was Not Meant To Know... Ask Me About Them.
of 50 votes, 10% like it
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Someone Pulled The Plug On My Bright Idea.
of 25 votes, 28% like it
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Spit-Take Going Live In 5, 4, 3, 2...
of 62 votes, 8% like it
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Stand Back! It's time for my solo...
of 94 votes, 48% like it
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The bench is a position, right?
of 73 votes, 52% like it
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The Circus Ran Off And Joined Me!
of 19 votes, 16% like it
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The Devil's in the details? Good thing I'm oblivious....
of 60 votes, 45% like it
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The Future Is So Bright, It Knows To Leave The Past Behind.
of 23 votes, 22% like it
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The Light Bulb Was Invented By a Guy With a Torch Over His Head.
of 26 votes, 35% like it
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The Longest Journey Begins With Making A Wrong Turn.
of 39 votes, 15% like it
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The shirt you were hoping to read is over there...
of 29 votes, 7% like it
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The voices are busy talking to my other personality....
of 53 votes, 45% like it
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They call it Black Friday, because Black Sabbath was taken.
of 42 votes, 40% like it
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This Time Next Year, Won't Be This Time.
of 25 votes, 32% like it
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Those Dinosaur Leather Pants Make Jurassic Look Fat.
of 44 votes, 11% like it
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Today is the last day of your life so far...
of 81 votes, 48% like it
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Toe socks discriminate against the inbred.
of 34 votes, 26% like it
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Too Much Of A Good Thing Is My Goal.
of 31 votes, 16% like it
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Too Often, The Spur Of The Moment Leads To Cuts And Bruises.
of 38 votes, 39% like it
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Too Often, The Spur Of The Moment Leads To Lacerations.
of 2 votes, 50% like it
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Vodka, Triple Sec, Grenade-ine: A Drink That Will Blow Your Mind.
of 9 votes, 11% like it
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Warning: I Give Warnings.
of 28 votes, 21% like it
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WARNING: I Throw Rocks. Unless I Think You'll Throw Paper.
of 50 votes, 42% like it
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We Live, We Learn, We're Warped For Life By Following A Bad Link.
of 55 votes, 55% like it
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What goes around, gets dizzy.
of 85 votes, 49% like it
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When Anyone Says I Can't Do The Impossible, I Cry Fowl.
of 54 votes, 6% like it
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When I Grow Up, I Want To Be Young.
of 16 votes, 13% like it
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Which Came First: The Chicken Or Me Not Caring...?
of 20 votes, 25% like it
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Which Came First: The Chicken, The Egg, Or My Not Caring...?
of 36 votes, 36% like it
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Whitening Strips Do Nothing For My Bluetooth.
of 94 votes, 62% like it
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Whys Man Say Learn To Spell And Punctuate.
of 59 votes, 12% like it
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Will Trade Perfected Non-Materialism for $10,000,000
of 74 votes, 45% like it
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Would an Eskimo Give a Zombie a Brain Freeze?
of 77 votes, 55% like it
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Wrong-Headedness Cannot Be Corrected With Out-Patient Surgery.
of 25 votes, 8% like it
|
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Yes, I Went There! ...And My Luggage Is Still Lost.
of 18 votes, 17% like it
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You Know You've Had Too Much When The Pub Crawls...
of 12 votes, 17% like it
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You mean a ball game comes with this hot dog?
of 35 votes, 31% like it
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You take the high road / I'll take a taxi...
of 68 votes, 56% like it
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