I enjoy upgrading the furniture I have in my apartment. They started off as a bunch of metal chairs I stole from an AA meeting and then were upgraded to hand-me-downs from people who had pets with weak bladders. I then replaced those with various couches and chairs I found curbside for garbage pickup. And now I have moved on to neighborhood garage sales. Not much point in nice furniture if I'm just going to have to keep moving it every time I live somewhere new. "As long as it doesn't smell like cabbage", that's my motto. Seriously though, I am very interested in vacuum cleaners. I have 17 different models and I love them all equally but the SC-9000 is by far the diamond in my crown. Sometimes, I can't believe I'm really telling you this, I put the SC-9000 in the passenger seat of my rental car and drive around picking up women. As soon as a girl sees all of the convenient features the SC-9000 has to offer (like the double hose filter!!), I can't stop her from jumping all over m...........why are you still reading this? It's a lovely day, go running-swimming-jumping or destroy an ugly vase or gather 'round a fire with some friends or go shopping in a rainstorm or cure cancer. Do something.

Today I am eating wheat bread and skim milk. It's the best way I know to purge my body of all the sin that was consumed over the weekend. And by 'sin' I of course mean gingerbread cookies. They're so evil and so delicious.

We try not to die, but whatever.

My doctor has run out of ideas so now he's telling me that cherry juice will help heal up my shoulder. He says it's good for halloween season because it's the color of blood. He gave me a prescription for a bottle of Juicy Juice, noting that it was 100% juice, and when I pointed out that I didn't need a prescription because Juicy Juice is readily available at all fine grocery stores he muttered something about '..fuckin' socialists..' To make him feel better I told him I had a severe case of back acne due to all of the steroids and he wrote me a prescription for BenzaClin. (I don't know what it is, it's just the first thing that pops up on Yahoo! when I type in 'back acne prescription'.) I'm not sure if he has a PhD but he sure does enjoy writing on his little prescription pad. I just wish he had an office. There's no air conditioning in his garage and it always smells like wet dog.