"Thanks."

blegh what should I be. My boyfriend wants us to go as some sort of historical science zombies like marie and pierre curie, but I don't have the budget or time to really do that costume justice. Plus I want to dress a little slutty so I have that to think about.

What's a good nerdy pair of costumes?

Like.... you charge it with electricity and it will stiffen or curl or something. Anyone know what I'm talking about? I'm trying to find more info about it but I have no idea what queries to search for.

EDIT: muscle wire



I want to make a bunch of flowers that open and close (using the curling fabric). Then I want to attach a ton of them to a dress. I would have different sections of flowers react to different pitches of sound so when there's music it's like an orchestra of flowers on a dress. I thought that would be cool. What do you guys think?

I don't.
I've started starving myself again [35 pounds and counting!]
I can't get through a day without at least an hour of hyperventilation and tears.
My nightmares have gone away only because they gave me medication for them.
I've been getting through the semester by alternatively locking myself away for hours on end studying obsessively, then going for days freaking out about how either I havent' done any work, or how I can't top the work I already did. I have no confidence in my ability to pass my classes, let alone survive this semester.
It's not even that hard work. It's easy work. I'm just fucking weak or crazy or defective or just not good enough.
All I care about is some stupid boy in some far away city that doesn't matter compared to my education and bettering myself, and you guys KNOW that this is all I've ever wanted since I knew what MIT was, but this place will fucking eat you up.

I just don't feel like I can tough it out. And so here I sit in the study room making the guy next to me incredibly uncomfortable sobbing into my probabilistic systems textbook and thinking about bus tickets.

David Choe's "ChoeBots":







Source

So, basically I wish I had more, and also I think I was stupid and missed an opportunity to get a decent deal of it.

[this is long and whiny. fyi]

this summer i worked as an undergrad researcher on some computer stuff [the multipliers that I was raving about about friday]. Because all my work was done on a remote server, I could work anywhere with internet, and as a result I ended up doing my last month of work in New Haven, not with the grad student who ignored my existence and laughed at my questions [sigh]. I actually did more work there than I did in the office/lab but my professor wasn't paying attention and was surprised and annoyed I didn't finish the project. He basically, he won't pay me for my hours from August until I finish this part of the project and write up a report on the work I did and how to complete the project [5 pages plus code].

I was doing this shit I had no business doing because I knew nothing about it, and as a result getting any work done required a ton of time and effort. Plus it was boring. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to my professor that I didn't finish this ambitious thing, but he evidently thought I was a senior, not a freshman, [and really new to computer science]. He was much nicer when he found out, but he still is making me finish the thing he thought I should finish when he thought I knew anything about what I was working on. So....that's kind of a dick move.

Also I have classes which are quite demanding, and the additional amount and challenge of the finishing this shit is something I'm just not ready to tough out right now. I know I should just bite the bullet and work all weekend and get paid [if I still can: that's the other issue], but there's only so little one can sleep, and there's also a limit to how much time I can spend thinking about programming and doing math + other studies in a day.

I have a small income from the seed money from our startup, but I feel bad getting paid more than like 200 dollars a month. With 60 dollar bus fare and living in Cambridge [thank god I have a loan for housing], the money goes really fast. I could take another research job but if I can't finish that maybe 15 hour project, how could I commit to working another 12 hours a week every week. I feel bad asking my parents for money because they loaned me a decent amount over the summer. I also just prefer not being financially dependent on them because I enjoy the autonomy it gives me.

On the flip side, I have a little bit of "woe is me" going on because so many of my friends just have a lot of money, as a combination of the fact that I'm only 19, so it's closer to being out of highschool than it is to being out of college, and I go to a school that has a large amount of kids from financially comfortable families that still get to depend on their parents to a greater extent. Of course there are a fair number of my friends who are much older and are understandably supporting themselves, and a number of younger ones who don't have at least the knowledge that there's a little bit of money if you need it at home.

Blegh. MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY I HATE IT. I wish I had more money.

And if I had that money, I could:
a- afford the bus to new haven [don't have a car. not old enough for zip car. Maybe could borrow friends car? But I don't know how often it's okay to do that.]
b- afford to buy food, rather than mostly eat lentils, grains and canned food. [I should stop buying coffee in the morning and invest in a coffee maker... but the kitchen on my floor is disgusting and I don't have a place for one in my room..]
c- afford....stuff. you know, like things I want to buy that would make my life pleasant like lamp shades and skirts.

Blegh. I wish I had more time, or didn't need to sleep. I were I was immaterial, so I didn't have these needs or desires.

I just get overwhelmed with the fact that I'm so alone and no one even knows I've been sitting here crying for an hour and a half now, and no one can cheer my up [least of all bruce springsteen. Why do we listen to sad music when we're feeling down? At least I do.]

Anyways, now the internet knows. I'm sad. I'm sitting in my dorm room crying because I have no one who will come to check in on me. Constantly doing work only numbs the loneliness and adds to the stress and I just don't want to do it any more.

I hate this sadness because it's the kind of taints your notion of what it is to be alive. It's the kind that makes you think it will never end. The kind my anti anxiety meds do nothing against. The kind that just. won't. go. away.

Like, you probably know more about one thing than anyone else you know?

Recently, I realized that I know more than anyone I usually talk to about multiplication [and like.... I know guys who know shit about how to multiply many representations of numbers]

More specifically, I know how to multiply with a wide variety of numerical representations. I know a little bit about analogue multipliers, but I'm really good at digital multipliers. I know most of the binary representations of numbers, I know the major algorithms for the micro architecture of computers, I know combinational multipliers. I've read the IEE standard [IEE-754-2008 motherfuckerrrz] for floating point representation in all computers, and I can fast multiply that shit. [I can explain any of this to anyone that is interested... I know kevin studies EECS so I'm looking at you, pal.]

So like... who cares? It's important and hard and stuff but oh my god it's so boring and it was so annoying to have to learn it.

But yeah I also think it's cool to have a deep understanding about a really narrow field [so narrow it's pretty easy to have a 'deep' understanding].

AND..... sorry for nerding out.

I'm getting the colors done once it's healed.

And yes it says 'Live Free or Die' and no I'm not from New Hampshire.

megaword