Profile for Lucretia Mott - I don't feel sane enough for school

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Lucretia Mott aka has been a member since January 8, 2007, has scored 586 submissions, giving an average score of 2.93.

AIM: lucretia mott

Oct 12 '09 by Lucretia Mott

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I don't feel sane enough for school

I don't.
I've started starving myself again [35 pounds and counting!]
I can't get through a day without at least an hour of hyperventilation and tears.
My nightmares have gone away only because they gave me medication for them.
I've been getting through the semester by alternatively locking myself away for hours on end studying obsessively, then going for days freaking out about how either I havent' done any work, or how I can't top the work I already did. I have no confidence in my ability to pass my classes, let alone survive this semester.
It's not even that hard work. It's easy work. I'm just fucking weak or crazy or defective or just not good enough.
All I care about is some stupid boy in some far away city that doesn't matter compared to my education and bettering myself, and you guys KNOW that this is all I've ever wanted since I knew what MIT was, but this place will fucking eat you up.

I just don't feel like I can tough it out. And so here I sit in the study room making the guy next to me incredibly uncomfortable sobbing into my probabilistic systems textbook and thinking about bus tickets.

canceromega on Oct 12 '09 at 8:28pm

Have you ever thought about taking a year off?

PogoLightning on Oct 12 '09 at 8:29pm

Are you seeing a therapist or anything? If not, that might greatly help.

:/ Sorry to hear things aren't going too good.

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:30pm

Yes yes and yes. I wanted to, but I don't know what I would do. I could work on my company but I feel like I don't know enough to be productive. I don't have the money to travel, and I feel like the kind of jobs I could get as a 19 year old would be unfulfilling. I don't know.

the golden spatula on Oct 12 '09 at 8:31pm

that's not good lady. if there is a possibility to take a year off you should think about it.

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:32pm

Yeah I am. He's not helpful. I know I have anxiety issues, I know I have self esteem issues, I know I'm terrified of everything. What I need is someone to help me fix myself, not outline how I'm broken. I know all that shit already.

the golden spatula on Oct 12 '09 at 8:33pm

you don't need to travel the world, I recommend you to just walk through some forests.

the golden spatula on Oct 12 '09 at 8:34pm

sorry if that was too lame :(

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:34pm

I just would be wracked with immense guilt if I didn't feel I had fulfilled my 'potential'. I have no idea what this potential is, but it's a fucking heavy cross to bear. I'm not smart enough for anything to be easy, but I'm smart enough that I can get it if I work at it. But I'm so fucking weak. I'm so fucking weak.

olie! on Oct 12 '09 at 8:34pm

sometimes outlining the problems you have is the best people can do to help fix them. The rest has to be up to you. Taking a year off might be good.

shakethesheets on Oct 12 '09 at 8:36pm

you could take a break more than just travel... or just find the money to go visit someone you can stay with in a place you'd like to be for a bit. maybe a semester off is what you need, and not a year? I don't know.

have you tried different therapists?

Really hope things look up for you soon. You should eat.

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:36pm

I'm pretty keenly aware of all of my problems. I don't know how to fix them, and I just want some help.

nicke on Oct 12 '09 at 8:36pm

Eating might help a little bit at least, just to start with cos I mean low blood sugar can do pretty debilitating things to your state of mind. I'm shit at giving advice or even being helpful in any way but I can empathise with this and I do sincerely hope you feel better soon

chelly on Oct 12 '09 at 8:37pm

you need a hug, a good sammich, a long bath, and a nap

just remember you are loved chicka

shakethesheets on Oct 12 '09 at 8:37pm

Remember that it's ok to be happy. You aren't weak, you're under a ton of pressure.

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:38pm

Because I've had decent success sublimating my anxieties into work for the first half of this semester, I'm doing really well in all my classes, but I don't know if I can finish. I feel like it's a waste of doing so well to cut and run now but I can't even imagine lasting until Thanksgiving at this rate.

chelly on Oct 12 '09 at 8:38pm

i recommend gutting and cutting a pumpkin

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:39pm

=] I love pumpkins.

PogoLightning on Oct 12 '09 at 8:40pm

Yeah please eat. Also, I've sort of been in a similar situation...of just feeling so overwhelmed with school..and as much as I think taking a break would help..it seems too stressful to get back into school once that break is over..if that makes any sense. I just kept with it, and I'm still kind of in a "what the hell am I even doing" mode..but I'm going with things and dealing with issues as they come.

Maybe focus on little things, and try your best not to worry about the big picture.

fatheed on Oct 12 '09 at 8:40pm

Go traveling! Get away from academia for a year.

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:42pm

I have 60 dollars. Less since I bought a pack of cigarettes last night. I can't afford that. If I took any time off it would either be move home with my parents and work on Leaf or move in with my boyfriend and work on Leaf and also work maybe somewhere at Yale or in a store or something like that.

chelly on Oct 12 '09 at 8:43pm

myself and everyone i went to school with went (certifiably) crazy during college.

and i'm serious about that pumpkin.

canceromega on Oct 12 '09 at 8:43pm

I don't really think the majority of people who decide to take a year off from school know what they want to do, and that's why they take a year off. Even if you think you'd be inefficient with your time off, it's still valuable time to do self-reflection and chill out. If you think school is the root of most of your problems now, then taking some time off is what I'd suggest.

shakethesheets on Oct 12 '09 at 8:44pm

have you tagged leaf in various bathrooms? because I've seen that around

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:45pm

I know. I know. Why am I so much weaker than everyone I know? How can MIT graduate a class of 1000+ kids each year, when I can barely make it through a year and a half without a major breakdown. Why the fuck can't I just pull myself together.

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 8:46pm

I haven't. It's a company I'm working on starting [Leaflabs.com is our horrible site... thanks drew, who fucked all my work up]...... product launch thursday...w00t.

PogoLightning on Oct 12 '09 at 8:48pm

don't be so hard on yourself, you are not weak.

shakethesheets on Oct 12 '09 at 8:48pm

ah, just thought of you cause I knew you had something called leaf and I've seen it in somerville and cambridge

canceromega on Oct 12 '09 at 8:48pm

Why the fuck can't I just pull myself together.

You're selling yourself short. At least realize you're doing some really fucking hard things, and any normal person breaks under that kind of pressure. You're not incapable, you're just stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. And I doubt the bulk of those 1000+ undergrads got off easy either.

chelly on Oct 12 '09 at 8:54pm

nah, i'm just saying don't beat yourself up over it. happens to the best of us.

Krimson on Oct 12 '09 at 9:00pm

Make sure you are being honest about this situation with your therapist (as you are with us).

If this is the case, that is a great start.

As for eating, I suggest planning out a set of several smaller meals over the day, and forcing yourself to stick to eating on schedual. You can make them small and healthy, just make sure you have enough calories coming in to keep you going. I have known this to help some of my friends in similar situations.

Don't be afraid to take a little time off, go for a walk, read for a while, take a bath (if you have a tub). Try to avoid things like spending alot of time on the internet or watching alot of TV, as they don't really relax you, but will take up alot of your needed time.

Plan things out as best as possible. Once you have an idea of what you need to have done when, it is usually alot less daunting.

Finally, keep talking to people who care. We do, but reach out to others as well.

best of luck.

ISABOA on Oct 12 '09 at 9:04pm

first eat

then chill out

ISABOA on Oct 12 '09 at 9:05pm

bonghits and cheezeburgers

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 9:16pm

I can't take time off now.... I just need to get through this semester. Then my company will be more stable, and I can better know what I can do for that, and if it's best for me then I can take time off then. Plus I won't have wasted my work from the first half of this semester...

I dunno if I can make it until then but I guess I have to try.

ISABOA on Oct 12 '09 at 9:28pm

YOU MUST!

BH&CBGR

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 9:34pm

Sigh maybe I can go home and do one of those things.

ISABOA on Oct 12 '09 at 9:40pm

i remember getting to the point where I felt like I was gonna fall apart. Like I could not hold it together, but then i did, because there really was no other option.

you'll do fine

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 9:42pm

That's comforting, and the overwhelming message I'm getting from my boyfriend and everyone I know who has gone through MIT. You just have to power through it.

iDanSimpson on Oct 12 '09 at 9:47pm

joe gives sound advice.

in fact, i'm taking everything he says from this point forth as gospel!

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 9:55pm

I'm transcribing into a book which I'm going to sell to jews everywhere.

Lucretia Mott on Oct 12 '09 at 9:55pm

Then I'm going to crucify him!

eDigitalArt on Oct 12 '09 at 10:24pm

Randomly found this post and to be honest a small tear formed in the corner of my eye. I've been through this very exact situation, my girl went off to school and went through the same exact thing. I was the boy far away as she fell apart alone in her dorm room. Its tough, it wont be easy and it wont fix itself over night, but everyone on here has had some very good input. This is good, reaching out to people for support. I wasn't the best BF ever, but I tried and I listened and I was there through the toughest of times. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep marching forward. As I remember, I never felt sorry for her, that would of been useless and a waste. I helped build her confidence, make her stronger just enough to make her realize that everything will be ok with or without me, school or no school.

p.s. As someone stated earlier, pumpkin carving does wonders too =)

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