Complete in 250 words or less. Physical practicalities and human nature are to be respected. The Law of Conservation of Happiness may not be violated.

Classic villians (and only classic villains) may disregard everything after the word "less."


My favourite answers so far:

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[...] If not for the complete nihilism of it, I would say abolish humans.
I will settle for abolishing Howie Mandel.

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I would abolish property laws. I mean people can still own property and lock their doors but loitering in a bank from open to close... living in a tent pitched in front of future shop, bathing in fountains, living in your car on the highway off ramp, making a fire on the beach and roasting marsh mellows would be the norm.

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And the winner...
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[...] The old man who forgets his coupon until after the transaction is complete. The child who screams incessantly, every decibal of his tantrum a black mark on the child-rearing skills of its glassy eyed parents. The soccer momlet, a seventeen year old trophy-wife-in-training, for whom no road marker provides succor from her wild, unbidden forays twixt and twain the designated lanes of travel. Watch as her thumbs furiously scratch out the most unimportant of drivel into her "Sidekick" as her Mercedes SUV -an unearned reward for something so miraculous as aging sixteen years- screams down the fareways at sixty miles an hour. I sicken at the thought. With the power of God I would smite the lot of them. The cringing sycophants, the smug beaurocrats, the dogmatic parrots who so gleefully deal the opiate of the masses... None who displease me would be spared. The Hell I send them to would be a mercy compared to the shallow, worthless lives they lead.

[...] There. That ought to be more than 250 words, and in classic villain monologue. Have a nice day. :)