All right, vegemite?

When I went up my grannies stair

I smelt a smell of ham

When I went in to ask a bit, she called me greedy tam.

First she got the poker

and hit on bum

Then she got the belluses and blew me up the lumb

Far out, brussel sprout?

Oh my granny's in the cellar

It's a wonder you can't smell her

frying biscuits on that good old fashioned stove

In her eye there is some matter

that keeps dripping in the batter

as the snot runs down her nose.

I eat my peas with honey

I've done it all my life

It makes the peas taste funny

But it keeps them on the knife

I have a book of limericks that were published in the 19th and early 20th century, and fully 80% of them are dirty. It gets boring after about 10 poems or so.



There Once was a Man called Reg

Who Went with a Girl in a Hedge

Along came his wife

With a big Carving Knife

And cut off his meat and two veg.

Know what I mean, jelly bean?

My personal favourite.



O, my old man's a dustman

He wears a dustman's hat

He bought two thousand tickets

To see a football match

Oh, Fatty passed to Skinny

And Skinny passed it back

Fatty took a rotten shot

And knocked the goalie flat, OOH!



Where was the goalie

When the ball went in the net?

Halfway up the goalpost

With his trousers round his neck, singing



Oompah, oompah

Stick it up you jumper

Rule Britannia, marmalde and jam

We threw sausages at our old man



They put him on a stetcher

They put him on a bed

They rubbed his belly

With a five pound jelly

But the poor old soul was dead

I think we both had regular Aussie childhoods, which probably explains that. Unless your parents hid me in the roof when I was born and they feed me fish heads like that horror story I forget most of. At least now I can steal wireless internet instead of banging my chains at night.

Sounds like the child hood every child dreams of John.

Chicken lips and lizard hips and alligator eyes

Monkey legs and buzzard eggs and salamander thighs

Rabbit ears and camel rears and tasty toe-nail pies

Stir them all together, it's Mama's Soup Surprise.