Opposites attract and then kill each other.
of 19 votes, 42% like it
|
Mean people should celebrate opposite day.
of 18 votes, 39% like it
|
My gut reaction told me to eat it.
of 16 votes, 56% like it
|
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I know a lot. I park my car there.
of 26 votes, 50% like it
|
I have a brain stuck in my head.
of 23 votes, 39% like it
|
Sleeping is how I time travel.
of 26 votes, 46% like it
|
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Lincoln shoots and four scores!
of 26 votes, 31% like it
|
Lava lamps are domesticated volcanoes.
of 24 votes, 67% like it
|
The butterflies in my stomach are nervous, too.
of 31 votes, 48% like it
|
|
I don't trust hurricanes. They have shifty eyes.
of 24 votes, 50% like it
|
Small dogs are like cats that bark.
of 20 votes, 55% like it
|
I bet you five dollars that I have a gambling addiction.
of 26 votes, 62% like it
|
|
Reading: What you're doing now.
of 26 votes, 46% like it
|
Bored? Do something dull and repetitive.
of 20 votes, 55% like it
|
I'm so hungry hungry I could eat a hippo.
of 26 votes, 65% like it
|
|
Triangle solos have three parts.
of 25 votes, 52% like it
|
People are not stupid. They just lack intelligence.
of 28 votes, 46% like it
|
I run faster when you press the B button.
of 24 votes, 42% like it
|
|
The Mayans will release a new calendar in 2013.
of 34 votes, 56% like it
|
Nudists have trouble stripping.
of 32 votes, 53% like it
|
Important stuff happens at the stroke of midnight.
of 17 votes, 41% like it
|
|
It took me forever to beat infinity.
of 16 votes, 44% like it
|
Interview vampires at your own risk.
of 22 votes, 45% like it
|
I watch the weather channel to relax.
of 8 votes, 63% like it
|
|
The galaxy is for hitchhikers.
of 25 votes, 40% like it
|
If you're trapped in a horror movie, try not to die.
of 21 votes, 38% like it
|
When I grow down, I want to be a munchkin.
of 11 votes, 36% like it
|
|
This shirt is redeemable for one large pizza.
of 25 votes, 36% like it
|
Save the plankton from whales.
of 31 votes, 45% like it
|
Phobias: Be Afraid.
of 13 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Cameras keep me focused.
of 35 votes, 60% like it
|
Swing sets allow people to fly short distances.
of 44 votes, 59% like it
|
Gogh Gogh gadget paintbrush.
of 43 votes, 60% like it
|
|
In the Future, mosquitoes will still suck.
of 54 votes, 67% like it
|
Russian literature is crime and punishment.
of 15 votes, 40% like it
|
All of my peeps are marshmallows.
of 52 votes, 69% like it
|
|
Instant gratification is now now now now now.
of 27 votes, 41% like it
|
Save the world with a memory card.
of 42 votes, 45% like it
|
Don't spread rumors, spread butter.
of 33 votes, 45% like it
|
|
Dentists are the only people that like cavity searches.
of 20 votes, 40% like it
|
Authors take things too literally.
of 29 votes, 34% like it
|
Killing me softly would still be murder.
of 55 votes, 60% like it
|
|
Redundancy is dumb and stupid.
of 48 votes, 63% like it
|
When in Rome, be a turista.
of 35 votes, 49% like it
|
You only live twice if you're James Bond.
of 32 votes, 47% like it
|
|
Fight the power, turn off your electricity.
of 59 votes, 63% like it
|
I am a future old lady.
of 41 votes, 44% like it
|
Keyboards help me Esc.
of 66 votes, 74% like it
|
|
Sarah Connor is my mom.
of 42 votes, 31% like it
|
The fat lady sings about food.
of 34 votes, 29% like it
|
I eat fortune cookies...in bed.
of 21 votes, 38% like it
|
|
My emperor is a penguin.
of 51 votes, 49% like it
|
Invisible people think I'm paranoid.
of 64 votes, 63% like it
|
Charles left me in charge.
of 48 votes, 48% like it
|
|
The late bird gets the other worm.
of 48 votes, 46% like it
|
Calculus derives me crazy.
of 62 votes, 61% like it
|
H.G. is not feeling Wells.
of 48 votes, 44% like it
|
|
I'm not crazy, I just throw cats.
of 19 votes, 26% like it
|
I stole your thunder and sold it on ebay.
of 49 votes, 47% like it
|
My train of thought has passengers.
of 23 votes, 35% like it
|
|
Concrete boots keep your enemies grounded.
of 5 votes, 60% like it
|
Phobias are afraid of me.
of 59 votes, 64% like it
|
My political view has nice scenery.
of 57 votes, 47% like it
|
|
I lost my cape fighting crime [on back of shirt]
of 54 votes, 59% like it
|
Dude, where's the movie about my car?
of 22 votes, 27% like it
|
My voice is too beautiful for singing.
of 25 votes, 32% like it
|
|
My thoughts are cloudy with a chance of brainstorms.
of 55 votes, 58% like it
|
Curiosity killed my cat and I want revenge.
of 70 votes, 70% like it
|
My password is ******
of 63 votes, 44% like it
|
|
In kindergarten, I majored in paste consumption.
of 31 votes, 42% like it
|
Math has serious problems.
of 54 votes, 72% like it
|
You can't go to jail for killing time.
of 53 votes, 55% like it
|
|
I am addicted to interventions.
of 48 votes, 50% like it
|
Cool things happen in Antarctica.
of 53 votes, 58% like it
|
I keep my vital organs in a rib cage.
of 32 votes, 41% like it
|
|
Model citizens carry glue guns.
of 64 votes, 50% like it
|
Immortality increased my lifespan.
of 50 votes, 50% like it
|
"Bonsai," said the tree.
of 43 votes, 40% like it
|
|
Bats can read my shirt [printed upside down]
of 55 votes, 45% like it
|
I don't fear change, I pocket it.
of 69 votes, 62% like it
|
Exorcists make my head spin.
of 36 votes, 36% like it
|
|
There's something fishy about the ocean.
of 53 votes, 43% like it
|
My humor is too dark to see.
of 63 votes, 54% like it
|
I'm leaving dying to the last second.
of 53 votes, 53% like it
|
|
I'm allergic to food poisoning.
of 51 votes, 49% like it
|
Aliens need more space.
of 47 votes, 47% like it
|
I gave up cannibalism for Lent.
of 35 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Don Quixote attacked my windmill.
of 25 votes, 44% like it
|
If talk is cheap, buy it.
of 17 votes, 35% like it
|
I scrambled Humpty Dumpty.
of 50 votes, 44% like it
|
|
Jack is no longer nimble and quick.
of 24 votes, 38% like it
|
I'll make the walls talk.
of 22 votes, 36% like it
|
Houston listens to all of my problems.
of 43 votes, 56% like it
|
|
Wisdom teeth fail at giving advice.
of 52 votes, 52% like it
|
I tell my problems to Houston.
of 58 votes, 60% like it
|
Joy can jump for herself.
of 58 votes, 55% like it
|
|
Due to shortages, life will no longer be handing out lemons.
of 50 votes, 64% like it
|
I'm easily persuaded at gunpoint.
of 57 votes, 61% like it
|
Opportunity knocked down my front door.
of 50 votes, 44% like it
|
|
I'll stop eating bacon when pigs fly.
of 54 votes, 50% like it
|
My pet peeve was euthanized.
of 43 votes, 58% like it
|
Instead of keeping the peace, give it away for free.
of 51 votes, 63% like it
|
|
The smart chicken flies a helicopter across the road.
of 43 votes, 49% like it
|
Fairy tales paint Grimm pictures.
of 49 votes, 53% like it
|
Tree branches are getting twiggy with it.
of 43 votes, 53% like it
|
|
I forgot my stroll down memory lane.
of 41 votes, 59% like it
|
I oppose the rule of thumb.
of 52 votes, 71% like it
|
Your thinking cap doesn't fit.
of 41 votes, 44% like it
|
|
Screenwriters are plotting against me.
of 40 votes, 50% like it
|
Tomorrow is like today, but in the future.
of 53 votes, 60% like it
|
I throw genies down wishing wells.
of 52 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Take a stand, but leave the lemonade for me.
of 45 votes, 60% like it
|
Heimlich choked.
of 50 votes, 32% like it
|
The terms and conditions don't agree with me.
of 41 votes, 56% like it
|
|
Zeros should carry themselves.
of 40 votes, 50% like it
|
I plead the 5th symphony.
of 45 votes, 49% like it
|
I hunt playwrights with deadly shakespeares.
of 41 votes, 44% like it
|
|
Terms and conditions don't agree with me.
of 51 votes, 53% like it
|
The road less traveled is under construction.
of 60 votes, 58% like it
|
Jack and Jill should have used the faucet.
of 51 votes, 53% like it
|
|
Lawn ornaments show gnome mercy.
of 38 votes, 50% like it
|
I think magnets are particularly attractive.
of 46 votes, 70% like it
|
Click pens help cure sadness.
of 38 votes, 53% like it
|
|
Verbs need to relax. They're always so tense.
of 46 votes, 67% like it
|
Critics agree: everything sucks.
of 49 votes, 65% like it
|
Today's weather is perfect for world domination.
of 45 votes, 69% like it
|
|
Shhhhh...my foot's asleep.
of 40 votes, 53% like it
|
Broccoli: Trees for Little People.
of 47 votes, 62% like it
|
I get medieval in bouncy castles.
of 40 votes, 70% like it
|
|
Your font is just my type.
of 44 votes, 66% like it
|
Google knows how to spell it.
of 39 votes, 51% like it
|
Geometry is fun for all shapes and sizes.
of 43 votes, 63% like it
|
|
Don't hug falling trees.
of 39 votes, 54% like it
|
Starving artists draw food.
of 47 votes, 66% like it
|
Time flies when you're in a Delorean.
of 51 votes, 71% like it
|
|
Forget the leader, follow me.
of 41 votes, 51% like it
|
The road less traveled is closed for construction.
of 41 votes, 54% like it
|
Ask who, what, when, why, and werewolf.
of 37 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Bingo does not like his name-o.
of 34 votes, 53% like it
|
Gravity really dropped the ball.
of 47 votes, 62% like it
|
I found Waldo with Ctrl+F.
of 54 votes, 63% like it
|
|
Math trees have square roots.
of 64 votes, 59% like it
|
Beavers are damming the nation.
of 40 votes, 65% like it
|
Pianos don't lose their keys.
of 68 votes, 68% like it
|
|
Iceland: Where Dreams are Bjorn.
of 58 votes, 59% like it
|
Disco fever wiped out a generation.
of 57 votes, 67% like it
|
I bought a vowel and returned it.
of 49 votes, 43% like it
|
|
I gave Heimlich the maneuver.
of 33 votes, 33% like it
|
I sent my computer to boot camp.
of 54 votes, 59% like it
|
I was fired today. From a cannon.
of 57 votes, 58% like it
|
|
Lunch is not allowed at the The Breakfast Club.
of 62 votes, 56% like it
|
It's not you, it's me. And the rest of mankind.
of 62 votes, 73% like it
|
Showers turn into soap operas.
of 50 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Air pollution takes my breath away.
of 66 votes, 65% like it
|
Genies encourage wishful thinking.
of 54 votes, 67% like it
|
All of my guilty pleasures were found innocent.
of 60 votes, 68% like it
|
|
Do you like my hair? I made it myself.
of 56 votes, 45% like it
|
I won't reveal my true identity until the season finale.
of 52 votes, 56% like it
|
Let math solve your problems.
of 61 votes, 64% like it
|
|
Shirts dye and fade away.
of 50 votes, 60% like it
|
Videogames teach the importance of saving lives.
of 61 votes, 72% like it
|
The future knows too much.
of 54 votes, 56% like it
|
|
Satin is the evil fabric.
of 54 votes, 43% like it
|
My boxfort has cannons.
of 56 votes, 32% like it
|
If you can't win, lose.
of 52 votes, 54% like it
|
|
I subtracted and made a difference.
of 64 votes, 67% like it
|
The teacher's pet has fleas.
of 46 votes, 52% like it
|
I play Monopoly in Candy Land.
of 50 votes, 48% like it
|
|
Optimus numbers are prime.
of 57 votes, 53% like it
|
Misery loves company and bingo.
of 54 votes, 56% like it
|
Sherlock is my holme boy.
of 73 votes, 70% like it
|
|
Economics cost me a free lunch.
of 55 votes, 51% like it
|
Believe it or not, I am Ripley.
of 66 votes, 41% like it
|
At least the FBI wants me.
of 77 votes, 61% like it
|
|
History is right behind you.
of 72 votes, 51% like it
|
I dropped physics because of gravity.
of 82 votes, 57% like it
|
Red Rover is tired of your invitations.
of 101 votes, 63% like it
|
|
I like cheese. It's Gouda.
of 36 votes, 50% like it
|
Lightning bolts are on strike.
of 56 votes, 39% like it
|
My pet raven quotes everything.
of 77 votes, 42% like it
|
|
Inner demons hate regular exorcise.
of 72 votes, 53% like it
|
Frozen pizzas are deadly frisbees in disguise.
of 78 votes, 45% like it
|
My cat has a Ph.D. in string theory.
of 79 votes, 56% like it
|
|
Stick figures fall from trees.
of 96 votes, 47% like it
|
Photos can be so negative.
of 88 votes, 52% like it
|
Let's throw a revolutionary tea party.
of 126 votes, 52% like it
|
|
Geometry is for love triangles.
of 69 votes, 36% like it
|
I took scrapbooking in collage.
of 70 votes, 39% like it
|
Hitchhikers gave me two thumbs up.
of 155 votes, 57% like it
|
|
In an alternate dimension, I just saved your life.
of 141 votes, 52% like it
|
My sleep cycle needs training wheels.
of 143 votes, 48% like it
|
I will defeat you in a choreographed fight scene.
of 186 votes, 59% like it
|
|
I feel more heroic in phone booths.
of 170 votes, 48% like it
|
I tend to fight fire with water.
of 138 votes, 61% like it
|
Piñatas are victims of child abuse.
of 90 votes, 51% like it
|
|
Chute, I forgot my ladder.
of 205 votes, 62% like it
|
A fortune cookie predicted we'd meet someday.
of 91 votes, 38% like it
|
Nothing ever develops at a writer's block party.
of 177 votes, 47% like it
|
|
Real bear hugs are often fatal.
of 235 votes, 66% like it
|
Bubble wrap is an inexpensive form of therapy.
of 194 votes, 55% like it
|
Origami experts fold under pressure.
of 233 votes, 61% like it
|
|
Getting lost is really just accidental sightseeing.
of 214 votes, 58% like it
|
If you stare long enough, the hidden 3D image will appear.
of 76 votes, 45% like it
|
How can you see through my invisibility cloak?
of 90 votes, 38% like it
|
|
Let's engage in small talk about the weather.
of 95 votes, 37% like it
|
Allow me to demonstrate an, awkward pause.
of 82 votes, 41% like it
|
The director's cut of my life is much better.
of 110 votes, 40% like it
|
|
Dear diary, I wrote today's entry on a shirt.
of 219 votes, 49% like it
|
Death sentences are grammatically incorrect.
of 221 votes, 49% like it
|
I fight crime with onomatopoeias. POW!
of 336 votes, 58% like it
|
|
Mathematicians find strength in numbers.
of 170 votes, 41% like it
|
Today is my favorite day of the week.
of 156 votes, 38% like it
|
Don't let acid rain on your parade.
of 213 votes, 40% like it
|
|
Verbs are too tense.
of 217 votes, 44% like it
|
My darkest hours are always at night.
of 334 votes, 51% like it
|
Question marks suspect everything.
of 208 votes, 46% like it
|
|
Zombies mostly slow dance.
of 276 votes, 45% like it
|
My air guitar is very difficult to tune.
of 207 votes, 46% like it
|
Your dancing amuses me, continue.
of 276 votes, 47% like it
|
|
Made of 100% recycled genetic material.
of 191 votes, 42% like it
|
I will rewrite history to make this moment less awkward.
of 272 votes, 46% like it
|
Apostrophes are so possessive.
of 224 votes, 44% like it
|
|
80% agree: 4 out of 5 works too.
of 281 votes, 44% like it
|
Galaxies are solar powered.
of 182 votes, 42% like it
|
Astronauts take meteor showers.
of 164 votes, 43% like it
|
|
Geologists know how to rock!
of 158 votes, 44% like it
|
I'm a body of water.
of 293 votes, 38% like it
|
Stop blaming video games. They babysit your children for free.
of 357 votes, 47% like it
|
|
Pencils aspire to be No. 2.
of 475 votes, 57% like it
|
You may only correct me with a red pen.
of 426 votes, 45% like it
|
Save your strength, there's a boss battle ahead.
of 361 votes, 43% like it
|
|
Evens are against all odds.
of 378 votes, 41% like it
|
Speed limits make time travel impossible.
of 480 votes, 45% like it
|
^ thanks 
