I want to cry right now not because I feel bad. NOT because I feel rejected. NOT because anything bad happened at all. I want to cry because I realize just how much I love someone, and because I like him SO much... I for some reason want to cry.

I hung out with my first boyfriend today, and right before he left, I had to put myself out there again, and I asked him if it bothered him that I liked him so fucking much. He said "Of course not," and for some reason I could just feel some change in the atmosphere around us. It was as though he became gentle, and as though he was almost glowing. Maybe it was just my own happy heart, but you know... I think he genuinely does like me in some form or another.

I don't know if we'll ever date again, but he said that if we do it'll be in basically a year, 'cause he starts college. I know he wants to wait 'cause he doesn't want to meet someone in college and feel like he has to hurt me again. I know this, and I respect him and love him more for it. I'll miss him a lot, but he's doing what he's always wanted to do and that's awesome! I hope he's happy, and gets to a point in his life where he doesn't feel like it's meaningless, because he still believes that.

He has hurts, and needs, and he tries to hide them. I know this, and I want him to be happy in any way possible... and 'though he left me neither rejection nor promises, I still am going to hold onto him as at least a dear friend. I'd do anything for that man.. and he LITERALLY IS the reason why I still live today.

We'll see how things go...