oh shit





i think i love you

Mims,

That could be heartburn. Or if not, I'm free next Sunday if you want to get married.

KB,

8 stars? What do I need to do to get the other 2? I didn't even know I was going to be marked. Please tell me, I'll do anything. I'll add more smileys if you want. Do you want me to add more smileys? OK, I'M GOING TO ADD MORE SMILEYS. I can do one that looks like it's winking, see ;) haha, that's sure to work.

Next Sunday....I'm totally up for it

where do you live so that i can attend the wedding?

OK soon-to-be-Mrs. Cranky-Pants,

There's just one thing we need to sort out before next Sunday. It's a little ceremony to convert you to my religion. Don't worry - it's just a formality, and it uses hardly any goats blood at all. Incidentally, do you own a kiddy pool?

ACTUALLY...

I do. Is it alright that it has small fish in swim shorts decorating it? And does this religion allow apple juice, because, I have a slight addiction to the stuff. ALSO, does this religion accept crazy nail painting, because polka dots are where it's at.

Ooh, gee... I don't know how to tell you this BUT...

Polka dot nail painting is SPECIFICALLY banned. You know, due to it being the devil and all. (Don't worry, I have a solution: HCl).

Secondly, the small fish with swim shorts are actually compulsory (I know, lucky right?), and the apple juice is fine as long as it's not sparkling apple juice. Because carbon dioxide is indeed the devil as well.

HOT DAMN...Well kiddo, I'm not sure my love is THAT strong. What am I going to get out of this relationship? If I can't have polka dots, do I at least get dibsies on the good sled for sledding? WAIT...Do I have to scrub your feet? I'm totally not about that. I can live without sparkling apple juice, as long as I get normal apple juice, I think I can make it.

You can have the best sled money can buy. One other thing I forgot to mention though, all followers of this religion have to live in the middle of the desert. (I just typed dessert by mistake and thought, now that's a religion I would drink goats blood for).

And no, of course you don't have to scrub my feet. That's ridiculous. All you have to do is give them a light brush with olive oil twice-daily. It does wonders for the complexion... of the feet.

Done. Notice the one right in the middle is winking? What's he thinking?

Desert, eh? I don't know about all of that. I'm not one for the heat...but I do enjoy olive oil quite a bit. And the best sled money can buy, eh? I like the sound of that...



What else do I get outta this damn religion? I gotta make sure this is all worth my while

And in case that was a typo, then:

http://www.similepedia.com/

Hey, are you sure your heart's really in this? It sounds to me like every reasonable little request I make is a hassle. All I want is a nice ceremony with a kiddy pool full of goats blood and to spend eternity toiling in the Mojave agisting vultures for a living. That doesn't sound so bad does it? And we can't give up now because I've already bought your cag...er, I mean, your special happy surprise present.

Listen man, I'm not sure what you're thinking. I sacrificed my kiddie pool for this, and am giving up polka dotted nail polish and you're questioning whether I'm dedicated or not.



I knew you never really loved me. It was always one sided...

You didn't sacrific your kiddy pool. You sacrificed the goat in the kiddy pool. Big difference.

And giving up polka dot nail polish is going to be just as hard for me as it is for you.

Alright...I'm divin' in. But I swear, one slip up...you don't get me that awesome sled, take away my apple juice, or don't compliment my lucious golden locks one day and we're THROUGH.



...I guess I can look past the lack of love.

Ooh, about your lucious golden locks, did I mention the head-shaving part of the ceremony? It's OK though, because you can still keep them. In a jar perhaps. And I promise to compliment them.

(And when it comes to the ceremony, you'll realise how appropriate your choice of the phrase "diving in" really was).

Who knows? He's an individual, he don't play by nobody elses rules, he just does what feels gooood.

But nothing obscene I hope. I certainly wouldn't want anything considered offensive on this blog.

Aiight, when you gonna pick me up?



And what should I wear, because I hear the color yellow doesn't sit well with you people.

How did you find out about that? It goes back to the days when our 42nd Fearless Leader choked on a banana while in a taxi listening to Coldplay.

You will be picked up the night of the next full moon. Prepare yourself and go outside at exactly midnight. Do the robo-boogie and a flying saucer will pick you up. If it's not a flying saucer, then it will be a dark green ford taurus. You can wear whatever you like, but I recommend comfortable shoes.

this is some crazy pants

well, you told me do you my homework...so I did!



There's only one more problem I have found.



It says here that for one week out of the month, you will turn into a clown. Aaaaand, I have to say that isn't going to work because clowns make me pee my pants in fear.