Threadless T-Shirts - Profile for LichksnessMonster - Some advice? (Sorry for the long post).

LichksnessMonster aka liz is a 20.94 year old girl, has been a member since February 28, 2006, has scored 2848 submissions, giving an average score of 1.57.

URL: http://www.autumnandcake.blogspot.com
AIM: Wolvez n milK

Jul 20 '07 by LichksnessMonster

23 Comments

Watch this

Some advice? (Sorry for the long post).

I know most people use Threadless blogs to actually write about...well, Threadless. Or at least some sort of design-related subject.
This isn't about that.

I guess I just need some sort of outlet for some of the things I'm feeling right now. If you have anything to say, I'd like to hear it. Anything helps. (If you're one of those people who don't like hearing about other people's relationships, you might want to skip this post!) That being said...

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost nine months (nine months on July 24th). He's become my world. I'd do anything for him. The problem is, I've started feeling like I'm doing most/all of the work in the relationship, and to be honest, I'm exhausted. I've never been more stressed out. I can't even eat anymore.

Back in May, I moved into my apartment in the town where we go to college, and he came to stay with me until he could move into his own apt., which had a later starting date on the lease. I was more than happy to have him living with me! It's something I've always wanted. Well, things were just as I imagined - we'd draw together, sit in bed and read, watch movies, try out recipes, etc. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.
Suddenly, something changed. It happened around his 21st birthday, in June, but I don't know that his turning 21 was what did it. But to avoid dragging this one forever: we started fighting. All the time. And I'm one to do anything to avoid confrontation. I'm one of those people who just lets things build up inside (I know that's stupid, but oh well). I don't usually argue at all with significant others.
I figured it was because he and I had started spending so much time together; maybe I just got on his nerves or something. I mean, I was still overjoyed to spend as much time with him as I could. I still am. But the feeling isn't mutual. I continually offer to help him with finally moving his stuff into his apartment because he still lives here. It never happens.
Most nights now end up with me in tears, sick to my stomach, while he goes out to a 21+ bar, gets drunk, and comes back here (per my request, although I'm not sure why I do that to myself) and we argue, and I sit up all night, thinking about our relationship, while he passes out.
I've tried more times than I can count to talk to him, rationally, about how I feel. He thinks that I just don't want him to have friends. This is NOT the case! I want him to be happy! I just don't understand his actions. We'll make plans to watch a movie or go out, and he'll come home from work with the announcement, "I'm going to a bar tonight!". What am I supposed to do? It obviously upsets me, but he leaves anyway. I've tried occupying myself with friends and activities while he's gone, but that never seems to work out.
There's a lot more to the story, but I'm sure I've lost everyone's interest by now as it is.
I guess my dilemma is: I want to be with my boyfriend for as long as I can. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and I can't bear to let him go. But, things can't go on this way. I've started skipping my morning class because I can't bring myself to go on 3 hours of sleep. There's something wrong here. Is he just using me? Testing me? Trying to make me break up with him because he doesn't want to do the dirty work?

What can I do?

Tonteau on Jul 20 '07 at 10:00am

Be true to yourself and listen to your heart.

Polyester Jones on Jul 20 '07 at 10:02am

Can I rephrase that so you can see the actual situation here?

He goes off to a bar, leaving you at home, then comes home drunk and argues with you, then passes out while you worry and then you miss class because you're too tired.

Sorry, but doesn't sound like he's testing you, sounds like he's a douche bag

Tonteau on Jul 20 '07 at 10:04am

Ok, seriously, it sounds like he doesn't really care about you any more and is staying with you out of convenience.

t4sh4 on Jul 20 '07 at 10:07am

Don't put up with being disrespected. It's not worth it.

todiefor on Jul 20 '07 at 10:11am

Tell him and yourself "I'm not going to put up with it anymore."

He does it again, have his stuff waiting for him at the door. Hopefully it'll cause a moment of self-reflection, if not, then that's his loss.

How things used to be, they're most likely never going to be like that again. You're probably reminiscing about how great a time you guys used to have and how comfortable you were around each other. I doubt, in the light that you put him, that it's ever going to go back like that.

Don't try to save him and don't go thinking you can protect him by staying with him. Do it for yourself and leave before it hits rock bottom.

Save yourself the suffering over a guy that probably wasn't even meant for you.

Vindemiatrix on Jul 20 '07 at 10:12am

He sounds like a complete wankstain. DTMFA.

LichksnessMonster on Jul 20 '07 at 10:16am

Quick note (and I appreciate everyone's input so far - seriously):

I would normally never post something online that made my boyfriend, or a close friend, look bad. It's not fair to them. However, I discovered something yesterday on a message board that HE posts in that was fairly heartbreaking.
I figure it's fair game at this point.

barriebarrie on Jul 20 '07 at 10:42am

You need to have a support system to deal with this: Threadless, another blog, friends, family, etc. Just because he isn't physically harming you does not mean his behavior is not abusive. As others have said, set some very clear ground rules and STICK TO THEM if you want this relationship to work out.

But, keep in mind that (no offense or anything, I am certainly not trying to invalidate your experience) you are young and in college and very, very few people I know are still with the person they were with at that point in their life so don't feel like you absolutely have to make this relationship work. When you are getting less out of it than you are putting in it is okay to just be done.

Hang in there!

Vindemiatrix on Jul 20 '07 at 10:48am

Lichksness, unless you're severely misrepresenting the situation, it's not you making him look bad - it's his actions. And if you need support, then you're fully within your rights to ask for advice about the dreadful way he is behaving.

May I ask what it was he posted on the other board?

Rambunkcious on Jul 20 '07 at 10:53am

ok first of all any relationship that is making you physically ill, is not worth it

im sorry if you think he is your world and all that and im sure he means a lot to you but you should not have to feel like that in a relationship and if he isnt willing to try and resolve some issues or talk about things then maybe you should re-evaluate the whole situation and make sure its right, dont make excuses for him either its really easy to ignore the red flags when you care about someone

LichksnessMonster on Jul 20 '07 at 11:00am

A lot of the things you guys are saying are true. I'm taking a lot of this into consideration. My mom is coming to visit today, and she's staying here, so he won't be able to. We're also taking his stuff to his apartment, once and for all. I feel like today is the day that I'm going to put my foot down. I'm considering telling him "Call me when you actually want to see me again/when you care about me." At the same time, I'm afraid that he just won't call (I know - if that's the case, I shouldn't care in the first place).

Vindemiatrix - his post was from last December, after we kinda split for a month and then got back together. It was posted right after we were dating again. Someone else started the thread - someone who is his friend on Facebook, I guess, and noticed he was listed as "in a relationship" again. They said, "Dylan - you're back with the crazy girl??" (So there was obviously a lot of previous convo about me). He said yes, and a bunch of people posted comments like "Oh...sorry I said she was ugly." and "Sorry I said she had a "jew nose." His next post said, "Well, I might seem delusional for what I'm doing, and I probably am. But bitch has a jew-nose, nothing's changing that."

Polyester Jones on Jul 20 '07 at 11:04am

Aah. Right.
So...why
are
you
with
him...

The mind boggles.

welshalex on Jul 20 '07 at 11:04am

I wasted 5 years of my life on a loser who didnt make me happy, just because I thought I loved him and did'nt know what I'd do with myself if I wasnt with him.
Eventually he did the dirty on me, we broke up, I was angry and bitter.
Then I met my present boyfriend, and 3 years down the line Im still so happy with him.
When I look back, my biggest regret is not having the courage to break up with a crappy boyfriend.
Get rid of him and find someone you enjoy being with.

Vindemiatrix on Jul 20 '07 at 11:05am

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

If he treats you like that, then I really fucking hope he doesn't call you. Ever. There is no possible way in which remaining in contact with someone like that could be beneficial to you.

Do you know why he describe(s/d) you as crazy?

angelito on Jul 20 '07 at 11:08am

oh my lord. get out of there now honey... it'll only get worse.

LichksnessMonster on Jul 20 '07 at 11:12am

Well, I'll admit, I acted sort of badly when we started dating. We weren't that serious at first, and I NEVER cheated on him, but I also wasn't the best girlfriend. I'd blow him off, get too drunk, etc. He probably referred to me as "crazy" because one night, Girl Talk played at a club here and I went (as did everyone else in the entire town), I got really drunk before the show even started, and... there's a video on YouTube of me dancing on a table. (Mind you, no clothing came off and it wasn't with another guy or anything - I honestly don't remember doing that, anyway). So yeah, I guess I was sort of shitty to him in the beginning. But, I was also a brand-new freshman in college, living in (what seemed like to me, a small-town girl) an exciting new city, and I just didn't know that I wanted to be in a relationship just yet. His feelings got hurt, but I thought he let go of that when we got back together.

I told him what I found yesterday, and he was sincerely sorry - as he should be - I'm still hurt by it, even though it seems like something he posted just to still be cool in the fellow posters' books. Although, he should care more about standing up for me than getting made fun of by them.

I guess the reason I'm having such a hard time letting go, is that I keep hoping things will get better.

marblecargirl on Jul 20 '07 at 11:15am

get. out. now. trust me, i've done the stay and try to work it out thing. It doesn't get better and then you've wasted the years that you should have been having the most fun on a dick face. Please don't do that.

hespestos on Jul 20 '07 at 11:20am

This guy sounds like a major jackass! His friends don't seem like dreams either. Do NOT waste one more second with this guy. Find someone who loves you and treats you like a sexy lady like you should be treated. I once stayed with a man 2 years longer than I should have because I was clinging to the memories of what our relationship once was. I regret it all the time. You will meet someone else who is worlds better- every moment you are with this jerk is one more second you aren't finding that man who will be right for you.

squintygirl on Jul 20 '07 at 11:37am

Hespestos is right. If you stay with this loser, that's less time you get to spend with people that actually care about you. I know you'll do the right thing and put this misery behind you, you don't deserve it.

Let us know what happens!

flourpower on Jul 20 '07 at 11:42am

First of all, getting a little out of control when you're a freshman in college does not qualify as being "crazy" or a bad girlfriend...There is absolutely no reason why he should hold that against you, especially since he's the one coming home drunk and arguing with you.

Also, you're 19. IMO, that's a bit young to be moving in with a guy, let alone worrying that they're you're last chance.

Anyway, he sounds like a complete jerk who thinks he's doing you a favor by staying with you.

marblecargirl on Jul 20 '07 at 11:43am

I like the idea of putting all his shit by the front door when he's out. Better yet, put it outside.

melhel86 on Jul 20 '07 at 11:46am

I agree it may be time to cut ties. He's treating you rather badly and if his friends are talking shit about you, and he's always with his friends, that's not a real good sign.

Sometimes you have to realize that being in a relationship is more than just liking someone, and it sucks to end things, but end it now before you are having these same problems and it's a year later.

P.S. from a girl who's about to get married I am SOOO happy it's not to the guy I was with when I was 19, who I thought I was in love with. Though, they did know each other ...

LichksnessMonster on Jul 20 '07 at 11:47am

^ I've day-dreamed about doing that many a time.

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