My drinking is not a problem. It's a solution.
of 38 votes, 26% like it
|
Orgies always bring out the wurst in people.
of 38 votes, 11% like it
|
I'm thinking about maybe considering the idea of going on a diet.
of 40 votes, 10% like it
|
|
Time travel tip #17: Don’t screw your mother
of 54 votes, 20% like it
|
My enemy of my enemy of my enemy is still my enemy.
of 54 votes, 17% like it
|
Revenge is a dish best served with cole slaw.
of 54 votes, 22% like it
|
|
To you it's a ringtone. To me it sounds like KILL! KILL!
of 54 votes, 24% like it
|
In my next life, I'd really like to have gills. Or antlers.
of 55 votes, 29% like it
|
You are a testament to my inability to find a prophylactic.
of 54 votes, 9% like it
|
|
Time travel tip #62: Don’t accidentally sleep with your mom
of 47 votes, 26% like it
|
Former future Dot-Com millionaire.
of 47 votes, 23% like it
|
Former Future Internet Millionaire
of 56 votes, 18% like it
|
|
Smoking kills, but in your case not fast enough.
of 56 votes, 18% like it
|
Cyborgs are people too.
of 49 votes, 16% like it
|
History is so yesterday.
of 50 votes, 14% like it
|
|
I'm a man's man's man.
of 32 votes, 16% like it
|
$ellout
of 57 votes, 26% like it
|
sex sex sex food sex sex sleep sex sex
of 47 votes, 15% like it
|
|
I make word’s plural with apostrophe’s.
of 45 votes, 16% like it
|
Time travel tip #43: Don’t meet yourself
of 55 votes, 40% like it
|
Born-again Atheist
of 40 votes, 25% like it
|
|
Fundamentalist Atheist
of 59 votes, 15% like it
|
T-shirts should have expiration dates.
of 54 votes, 26% like it
|
Would it kill you to die for me?
of 54 votes, 28% like it
|
|
Boycott Reality
of 39 votes, 31% like it
|
Minimum Wage Slave
of 33 votes, 21% like it
|
Resist Suburbia
of 49 votes, 16% like it
|
|
Cheese? Did someone say cheese?
of 53 votes, 15% like it
|
Thought for Food
of 47 votes, 21% like it
|
Your television is wathcing you.
of 70 votes, 20% like it
|
|
Beware the appliance revolution.
of 54 votes, 22% like it
|
War is the new peace.
of 33 votes, 27% like it
|
Peace is the new war.
of 51 votes, 25% like it
|
|
I have a drinking solution.
of 38 votes, 34% like it
|
Fluorescent light dims your soul.
of 53 votes, 34% like it
|
Jesus Christ is a corporate logo.
of 37 votes, 16% like it
|
|
Santa Claus is a corporate logo.
of 53 votes, 19% like it
|
I was trapped in a well when I was 4.
of 33 votes, 18% like it
|
What I need is a law named after me.
of 34 votes, 26% like it
|
|
Jesus Christ is a Corporate Icon!
of 60 votes, 13% like it
|
Santa Claus is a Corporate Icon!
of 64 votes, 14% like it
|
Former Future Dot-Com Millionaire
of 61 votes, 18% like it
|
|
Abort, Retry, Fail?
of 77 votes, 17% like it
|
Pissing in the wind. Not a good idea.
of 71 votes, 25% like it
|
Kiss me, I'm Kyrgyzstani.
of 55 votes, 18% like it
|
|
Take him out back and shoot him.
of 57 votes, 25% like it
|
Special Olympics champ. Still a retard.
of 135 votes, 23% like it
|
Take me home, I’d make a great pet.
of 57 votes, 19% like it
|
|
Are you a member of the Tribe?
of 46 votes, 13% like it
|
Fuck Big Tobacco
of 75 votes, 15% like it
|
Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
of 73 votes, 18% like it
|
|
Jesus Christ! Were you born in a BARN?
of 123 votes, 22% like it
|
I put the best in bestiality.
of 76 votes, 25% like it
|
Random Slogan #66,614.
of 82 votes, 23% like it
|
|
I’ll take what’s behind door #3, Bob.
of 63 votes, 19% like it
|
A.eat B.shit C.die D.all of the above
of 77 votes, 21% like it
|
9 out of 10 voices in my head agree
of 98 votes, 29% like it
|
|
He who laughs last gets his ass kicked.
of 73 votes, 22% like it
|
I am SO fired.
of 107 votes, 22% like it
|
It’s “psych”, not “sike”.
of 98 votes, 23% like it
|
|
Make like a tree and get outta here.
of 68 votes, 29% like it
|
I got a Bluetooth by eating a Blackberry
of 134 votes, 19% like it
|
Department of Homeland Insecurity
of 78 votes, 15% like it
|
|
100% real cheese
of 63 votes, 24% like it
|
Life is a terminal illness.
of 78 votes, 35% like it
|
R E D R U M
of 71 votes, 20% like it
|
|
Never end business calls with I love you
of 69 votes, 22% like it
|
My other t-shirt is also as witty.
of 71 votes, 30% like it
|
Homo sapien.
of 109 votes, 18% like it
|
|
Geek of the Year
of 109 votes, 21% like it
|
Is there a nude beach without fatties?
of 100 votes, 17% like it
|
Who tested Preparation A through G?
of 107 votes, 28% like it
|
|
This is not a slogan.
of 68 votes, 16% like it
|
Born with a silver spork in my mouth.
of 110 votes, 19% like it
|
New! Improved!
of 117 votes, 18% like it
|
|
Perfect enough.
of 99 votes, 20% like it
|
Slightly imperfect.
of 106 votes, 23% like it
|
Slightly irregular.
of 41 votes, 22% like it
|
|
Evil robot riding a shark
of 144 votes, 19% like it
|
Trees are overrated.
of 98 votes, 22% like it
|
Get this walking carpet out of my way.
of 91 votes, 13% like it
|
|
Underwear is for the weak.
of 66 votes, 27% like it
|
Put that in your smoke and pipe it.
of 82 votes, 17% like it
|
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
of 85 votes, 25% like it
|
|
When you're horny, I'm happy.
of 80 votes, 19% like it
|
California can kiss my ass.
of 62 votes, 19% like it
|
Why do the homeless live in cold places?
of 106 votes, 13% like it
|
|
I will try anything once.
of 107 votes, 19% like it
|
Intelligent design is for stupid people.
of 63 votes, 37% like it
|
Okay, terrific.
of 68 votes, 12% like it
|
|
Arrr! They call me Captain Bluetooth!
of 97 votes, 15% like it
|
Purple crayons taste like grape.
of 106 votes, 28% like it
|
SUV: Selfish Urban Vanity
of 106 votes, 22% like it
|
|
©orporate $logans ®ule!™
of 70 votes, 33% like it
|
FEED ME, SEYMOUR!
of 86 votes, 13% like it
|
Every time you smoke, God kills a kitten
of 100 votes, 24% like it
|
|
Mercury makes tuna taste better.
of 104 votes, 18% like it
|
I'm gonna get medieval on your ass.
of 56 votes, 27% like it
|
Brain cells, going, going, gone.
of 72 votes, 25% like it
|
|
But officer,I AM 500 feet from a school!
of 62 votes, 18% like it
|
Let them eat war.
of 74 votes, 19% like it
|
Milk is Manslaughter
of 54 votes, 15% like it
|
|
I know what's in the secret sauce.
of 69 votes, 32% like it
|
Unoriginal Gangster
of 66 votes, 15% like it
|
It tasted much better going down.
of 59 votes, 22% like it
|
|
I have Roman hands & Russian fingers
of 134 votes, 12% like it
|
Cleanup in aisle 9.
of 111 votes, 28% like it
|
I should’ve made a left at Albuquerque.
of 62 votes, 24% like it
|
|
Seven Minute Girlfriend
of 61 votes, 13% like it
|
Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!
of 80 votes, 19% like it
|
Completely lost.
of 137 votes, 19% like it
|
|
Democracy was getting boring, anyway.
of 63 votes, 38% like it
|
I've got PacMan fever.
of 79 votes, 22% like it
|
After these messages I’ll be right back.
of 70 votes, 16% like it
|
|
Former speling bee champeon.
of 84 votes, 26% like it
|
What's in the box?!
of 70 votes, 19% like it
|
Show them what they've won.
of 65 votes, 14% like it
|
|
I Flunked Home-Ec
of 93 votes, 14% like it
|
Long Live Devil Music
of 73 votes, 25% like it
|
I know the cheat codes for reality.
of 78 votes, 33% like it
|
|
This is my away message.
of 65 votes, 25% like it
|
My sushi is still moving!
of 72 votes, 21% like it
|
Open the pod bay doors, Hal.
of 78 votes, 19% like it
|
|
Married, not dead.
of 85 votes, 14% like it
|
You’ve got a lot of chutzpah
of 65 votes, 20% like it
|
Say it with boobs.
of 82 votes, 13% like it
|
|
I love it because it’s trash.
of 64 votes, 23% like it
|
Server error
of 105 votes, 17% like it
|
Do that thing you do. No, not that.
of 81 votes, 35% like it
|
|
A giant bagel is chasing me.
of 56 votes, 16% like it
|
I dream of ponies.
of 65 votes, 14% like it
|
They call me the cereal killer.
of 72 votes, 24% like it
|
|
Hi! I’m the serial killer you met online
of 67 votes, 33% like it
|
No,the invisible jackass in front of you
of 58 votes, 21% like it
|
Here come the bastards.
of 116 votes, 25% like it
|
|
A man. A plan. A canal. Suez.
of 119 votes, 28% like it
|
Mmm... cheese.
of 93 votes, 17% like it
|
I took the Pepsi challenge.
of 65 votes, 20% like it
|
|
If broccoli is a crime,then I am guilty.
of 84 votes, 19% like it
|
Ask me how to gain weight.
of 110 votes, 21% like it
|
USA: 50% Literate, 50% Idiot.
of 66 votes, 15% like it
|
|
Never trust a burnt fortune cookie.
of 60 votes, 35% like it
|
Congress. The opposite of progress.
of 72 votes, 32% like it
|
I’ll have what the guy on the floor had.
of 57 votes, 25% like it
|
|
You’re ugly, with a capital UG.
of 65 votes, 11% like it
|
Didn’t eat my meat,never got any pudding
of 77 votes, 21% like it
|
My tinfoil hat stops the satellite rays.
of 98 votes, 20% like it
|
|
LA LA LA LA LA LA I can’t hear you!
of 88 votes, 18% like it
|
FIRST plunder, THEN pilage.
of 79 votes, 30% like it
|
Keep mind open during business hours.
of 58 votes, 12% like it
|
|
DO NOT ASSAULT THE VENDING MACHINE
of 102 votes, 23% like it
|
IfYou’reHappyAndYouKnowItCrapYourPants
of 65 votes, 18% like it
|
People are idiots.
of 86 votes, 27% like it
|
|
I could have used a little more cowbell.
of 80 votes, 24% like it
|
I’d like you to meet my mail-order bride
of 82 votes, 15% like it
|
Revenge is a dish best served with fries
of 78 votes, 40% like it
|
|
Well, that sucked.
of 77 votes, 30% like it
|
sex cells.
of 88 votes, 25% like it
|
Victim.
of 69 votes, 14% like it
|
|
Four years of college and I work here?
of 68 votes, 29% like it
|
My, what an ugly baby you have there.
of 69 votes, 22% like it
|
For an idiot,you sure have a lot to say.
of 82 votes, 30% like it
|
|
I just pushed all the elevator buttons.
of 71 votes, 38% like it
|
Give me delivery, or give me death.
of 76 votes, 17% like it
|
Hi! I’m the psychopath you met online!
of 79 votes, 25% like it
|
|
Leave a mark.
of 57 votes, 19% like it
|
The voices in my head can beat up yours.
of 80 votes, 25% like it
|
Decaf is my Kryptonite.
of 79 votes, 16% like it
|
|
With a friend like you, who needs drugs?
of 98 votes, 31% like it
|
Why does everything taste like chicken?
of 72 votes, 24% like it
|
I learned it by watching you, alright?
of 118 votes, 14% like it
|
|
You CAN have cookies for breakfast.
of 78 votes, 23% like it
|
Your chocolate is in my peanut butter!
of 95 votes, 11% like it
|
I\'m only superficial on the surface.
of 87 votes, 21% like it
|
|
Magnetic Personality Disorder
of 84 votes, 15% like it
|
Stupitity is contagious.
of 71 votes, 17% like it
|
I'm insane and I vote.
of 61 votes, 23% like it
|
|
Fresh baked.
of 72 votes, 18% like it
|
Alcohol: The Anti-Drug
of 114 votes, 21% like it
|
We know you know we know you know.
of 78 votes, 29% like it
|
|
Fascism:What can brownshirts do for you?
of 113 votes, 13% like it
|
I’m individualistic/Just like my friends
of 73 votes, 19% like it
|
I only steal free things.
of 108 votes, 42% like it
|
|
I'm not pregnant, I'm fat.
of 121 votes, 35% like it
|
I approved this mess.
of 102 votes, 21% like it
|
Stoopid American.
of 92 votes, 18% like it
|
|
The unwanted relative at the picnic.
of 68 votes, 28% like it
|
No, your OTHER other left.
of 77 votes, 21% like it
|
Take the blue pill! Take the blue pill!
of 72 votes, 24% like it
|
|
Pac-Man was a pill-popper
of 80 votes, 41% like it
|
Being Jewish Israel Cool
of 89 votes, 19% like it
|
There’s no such thing as a free brunch.
of 65 votes, 11% like it
|
|
(graphic) I [screw] NY
of 73 votes, 16% like it
|
You were cute til you picked up dog shit
of 105 votes, 17% like it
|
My fun is better than your fun.
of 96 votes, 29% like it
|
|
I've got a bad feeling about this.
of 68 votes, 31% like it
|
I want a do-over.
of 74 votes, 19% like it
|
Hey! That’s my bike!
of 97 votes, 13% like it
|
|
Sorry, it’s just the beer talking.
of 70 votes, 14% like it
|
You can’t spell suicide without U and I.
of 72 votes, 33% like it
|
Man with van.
of 91 votes, 12% like it
|
|
Dear Mom and Dad, I'm gay. Merry X-mas.
of 82 votes, 30% like it
|
But Al Gore DID invent the internet.
of 95 votes, 22% like it
|
It's not easy being human.
of 85 votes, 18% like it
|
|
We're all 99.9% chimpanzee.
of 61 votes, 18% like it
|
I have X-Ray vision.
of 80 votes, 16% like it
|
My dog has fleas. No, seriously.
of 62 votes, 11% like it
|
|
I like you,but I don’t like you like you
of 85 votes, 25% like it
|
Take me to your leader.
of 57 votes, 11% like it
|
Another 7 seconds,another sexual thought
of 89 votes, 29% like it
|
|
Conspiracy theorist.
of 105 votes, 23% like it
|
Elvis died for our sins.
of 105 votes, 25% like it
|
OK, I'm wearing a shirt now. Serve me.
of 96 votes, 29% like it
|
|
Lunatics belong on an island. Manhattan.
of 136 votes, 18% like it
|
