I consider myself extremely unfit and not as flexible as I was a few years ago.

I've never been big on exercising - I used to do a few pushups every so often and lift hand weights from time to time, but then when my back got fucked I couldn't and since recovering haven't bothered starting again.

I used to be able to lift my left leg almost over my head whilst standing on my right, but now can't get anywhere near that.

I can't even touch my toes, and can only get down to about 4 inches above the floor.

Most of this is down to my surgery I guess, but I could still be a lot fitter. Thing is I can't be arsed with exercise - I spend around 5 hours a day on average on my feet, walking around and the last thing I want to do first thing in the morning or last thing at night is exercise.

I most definitely drink too much, and probably eat too much bad stuff and not enough good stuff, but I don't particularly enjoy fruit or salad.

I did quit smoking a couple of months ago though.

I've put on about 30lbs in the last 2 years, and although I'm far from fat, I look like I drank from the wrong holy grail - all a bit melty. 210lbs for 6'3ish of height isn't bad, but if this continues I'll soon be a proper chubs.

What can a lazy, overworked alcoholic like me, with no willpower do to raise my general fitness levels, without completely altering my lifestyle?

I worked a nightshift last night. Tired and weary I took the night bus home. As I was getting off at home (I live literally opposite the bus stop) a ticket checking guy asked me for my ticket. I couldn't find it, but I have a weekly ticket. I tried to explain that I'd lost it and maybe it was in my flat - could I go and get it? (He'd already gotten off the bus with me to issue my fine). He wouldn't accept that, convinced I was trying to dodge a fare. I pleaded. I showed him my expired, stamped tickets to try and prove that I wasn't fare dodging - that I always buy a ticket and that I genuinely had forgotten it. It would have taken me 2 minutes to run in and find it but no dice. He took my ID and issued the fine that I now have to pay within 3 days. I asked if I found my ticket and displayed that with the fine issue, could I avoid paying the 70 Euros. Apparently not. Apparently a weekly ticket means nothing in this situation and only if I could provide a yearly ticket would I not have to pay the fine. Fucking jobsworth.

I just got a call from my mum. My grandad is in hospital. He probably won't come out. Please wish him well. I haven't seen him for a year and would like to see him again. He's the best grandad ever. 90 years old and he's never tasted cheese as he doesn't trust it.

It just happened right now.

Here's what happened last night in real life:

I worked an evening shift, 5pm until around midnight. Nothing of note occurred. At the end of my shift I closed up and joined some friends downstairs for poker, but didn't really play and left after a few hands. On the bus home I bumped into another friend and we went for a few more drinks. I left him and returned home around 5am.

Now, I just had the following experience:

I finished work and the aforementioned friends invited me to a party. I went, with an old schoolfriend and we played poker for a while in a garden of elaborate decor. It was a tournament which I won, much to the annoyance of others, as all my hands were insanely good - if someone showed what would seem like a surefire winner, I had the only thing that would beat it.. I then had to leave as I'd promised my girlfriend I'd meet her, so left early in the morning, and started walking back with my friend, to her house. This was all pretty realistic, as in nothing in the dream happened that was out of the ordinary - it was like real life - which is weird in itself since my dreams usually contain at least one completely fantastical element. The only thing out of place here was that I was with a guy I haven't seen for a couple of years, and he was speaking French, but I understood him. I may even have been speaking French myself. But stranger things happen, right?

Anyways, on the way home we passed a house with an odd blue light in the upper window. We stopped and pondered over it for a while. There was a street sign on a pole outside the house so I decided to climb the pole and have a look. Now, the climb appeared to take a long, long time. Hours, during which I was constantly climbing. Eventually I reached the window, was briefly confused on looking in, as it appeared to be my own flat, but managed to climb inside. I remained confused as I wandered and wondered around this place, which was identical to my own place in every way. I started looking in all the cupboards in every room.

I then came and sat on my bed, after around ten minutes of wandering and it was then/now that I realised I'm awake and no longer dreaming. I've never been so disorientated.

I've slept walked before but never lucidly, and I've had dreams before where I thought I was awake, but unless under the influence of hallucinogenics I've never thought I was dreaming whilst awake. I'm kind of freaked out right now as I have no sensation of ever waking up so everything feels as if it actually happened just now, and the realisation that I'm awake was a real shock to the system.

Is this actually real, or still a dream?*

Cue The Twilight Zone music

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


*(Of course I know I'm awake now, but wanted to end the story on a dramatic note, since I realise it's not that interesting really)

I took the liberty of transcribing the lyrics for all you Eddie Vedder fans:



ahaaaAAAAYYYEEYEAHHHHhhh
ahaaaAAAAYYYEEYEAHHHHhhh
ahhhaaaAAAYYYYEEEYEEAHHeehheeaahhnnnggaaaAHHH EEEEE

HEEEEEGGGHHHooooooo
TEEEEEEGGGHHHooooooooohh
heeeeEEEHGGGGHHHOOOOOOO oooooohhh

It's well tabloid yeah?

I used to love looking out for ludicrous headlines there, my all time favourite being 'Man Escapes From Stinky Drain' a couple of months ago.

Today is a more serious story. I'd like you all to bow your heads because:

'Paul O'Grady's dog Buster dies'

As of now, I'm back in the UK from 23rd Dec - 4th Jan, flying to and from Gatwick but spending the in between time in Grimsby. I'm considering switching my return flight though so I can have a couple days with mates in London.

Any of you gonna be around for a session early New Year? I know it's a long way off but as a foreigner I have to plan ahead.

I'm off to see them/her support Grizzly Bear in a bout an hour. I may ask her to be my girlfriend.

I fucking love this kind of stuff, particularly this song:



But I just discovered Dion is stiull performing and he and his band look like wankers:

It's Christmas shopping time (whilst I have cash to spare).

Where online can I get nice costume jewelery for under £20, that ships to the UK? I looked at eBay but there was way too much shit to trawl through.

It's for me ma.

OK, I often don't know which day it is, since I work irregular hours and don't get weekends off, and I pretty much never know what the date is, but I just discovered it's 2009. I've been signing all kinds of stuff with 2010 for as long as I can remember! How does anyone not know what year it is?!