i'm really bad at remembering jokes. I usually remember the premise of the joke and not how to tell it without ruin it.

My Geordie mate has a portion of his brain dedicated specifically for storing jokes. He's also a great storyteller. 2 things you need to tell good jokes.

Here's a joke that he's told me that I never forget, yet am unable to tell it properly (fortunately google found it for me):

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

Last night, we all went out for a family dinner. My father had gone on a roadtrip back to his hometown with his friend, Dick, to go to a funeral a few days earlier.

The story was brought up and we joked about him introducing Dick to his parents and such, and when he was asked if his parents liked him, my father exclaimed very loudly "Everybody loves Dick!"

What do you call two guys hanging above a window?

Kurt 'n' Rod.

Why did bramish put his dick in the cash machine?

Because it said insert pin.

A young boy goes to his father and asks, "Dad, what is the difference between theory and reality?", to which his father replied, "Well son, go and ask you mother if she would sleep with the postman for a million dollars."

The son comes back and proclaims "Mum said she WOULD!". "OK Son, now go ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for three million dollars". The boy came bounding back saying " She would! She would!".

"So there you go son... that is the difference. In THEORY we are sitting on 4 million bucks - in REALITY, we're living with a couple of sluts!"

My Geordie mate has a portion of his brain dedicated specifically for storing jokes. He's also a great storyteller. 2 things you need to tell good jokes.

I have an Irish mate the same.

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up To the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked What he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said "No".
The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay For it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only Girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum Will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"!!!!!!!

btw, i'm just googling keywords to all the jokes he's told me. (that i can remember..and i think i'm done :/ )

- What do you call a Muslim with bacon on his head?
- Hamed

- What do you call a Muslim with a whole pig on his head?
- Mohamed

Wait, is that racist?

- What's blue and fucks old ladies?
- Hypothermia

what's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr dre


Knock-knock

Who's there?

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Etc, etc...

Knock-knock

Who's there?

Philip glass

Deep.

Can I make an AIDS joke here?

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What do you get when you toss a grenade into a French kitchen?
Linoleum Blown-apart.

And then there's a really long and convoluted one that is near impossible to actually tell somebody without notes on hand:
Gandhi travelled everywhere barefoot, and over the course of many years and much travelling had developed an impressive set of calluses on the soles of his feet. Likewise, his spirituality affected his diet: even if he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and fasted often. He became very frail and thin, and his poor diet also led to terrible bad breath.
therefore
Gandhi was a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis