I was born on a small island off the coast of Iowa, the daughter of a prosperous farmer and his supermodel wife. She died before I was born of a rare and completely treatable illness. She was afraid the operation to remove the source would interfere with her shoulder implants.
In a sudden obsession with surgery, my father had a pencil grafted onto my right hand and a pen on my left, then trained me to be ambidextrous. Of course, this meant I had to color with my mouth and makes using a tablet exceedingly difficult, but I've become very dextrous with my mouth and toes, like that guy in My Left Foot! I don't think I've lived up to my father's expectations yet, though, as I often catch him trying to perform brain surgery on me in my sleep.
Before my femurs fully developed, I would walk two feet above the ground. The kids at school called me "Briannamal Skywalker" as a joke. I realize now what a cool nickname that is, but at the time it was deeply hurtful. I tried wearing really tall platform boots, but strange men that seemed to have time traveled from the '70s kept accusing me of "jacking their style."
One time, I decided to grow burritos instead of hair. It was really delicious, but a bunch of scantily-clad women kept gnawing on my skull, so I had to stop being a dirty hippy and get a haircut.
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