The Control Freaks Come Out At Precisely 8:32pm
of 20 votes, 15% like it
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Life Gave Me Lessons When I Wanted Lemons
of 20 votes, 40% like it
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I Walk Under the Corporate Ladder
of 28 votes, 32% like it
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I Carry My Own Drum, For Dancing
of 24 votes, 17% like it
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I LOVE HOLIDAYS! (small) and whisper days too!
of 20 votes, 25% like it
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Holes, I Totally Dig 'Em.
of 22 votes, 36% like it
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Welcome To My Lazy Game of Hide and Seek
of 30 votes, 30% like it
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Dimensions Collapse When I Fall Flat On My Face
of 15 votes, 33% like it
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Underground Poets Are Subversive.
of 26 votes, 31% like it
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When Life Gives You Lemons, Be Sublime.
of 23 votes, 39% like it
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My Ego Needs A Booster Chair.
of 34 votes, 44% like it
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Xylophones Have The Catchiest Ringtones.
of 31 votes, 45% like it
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Addiction To Money Leads to Withdrawal Symptoms.
of 41 votes, 56% like it
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Friends Steal My Favorite Shirts.
of 32 votes, 47% like it
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Zombies Know Great Minds Taste Alike.
of 45 votes, 56% like it
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The Richter Scale Makes Me Agitated.
of 33 votes, 52% like it
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Can We Be Friends With Health Benefits?
of 35 votes, 40% like it
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I Killed the Monsters Under My Bed.The Skeletons Are In My Closet
of 48 votes, 63% like it
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Last Year, Santa Gave Me A Lump Of Carbon Offsets.
of 37 votes, 59% like it
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I Can Understand Your Pain. I'm Fluent in Anguish!
of 45 votes, 56% like it
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Drunk Dialing Was Much Harder with Rotary Phones.
of 34 votes, 50% like it
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Balderdash Is My Favorite Style of Nonsense.
of 31 votes, 58% like it
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I Can Be Quite Bold, Depending on the Typeface.
of 49 votes, 67% like it
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Sleep When You're Dead! Rise When Zombiefied!
of 43 votes, 56% like it
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Don't Be Fooled, Elevators Eat People
of 40 votes, 57% like it
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I Heard the Police Station is Serving Mugshots All Night!
of 34 votes, 50% like it
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Gay, Happy, Joyful...I don't Judge Your Vocabulary.
of 33 votes, 55% like it
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Don't Take the Easy Way Out. Unless There's a Fire.
of 57 votes, 68% like it
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I'm a Pinata Full of "Ow!" and "Stop That!"
of 42 votes, 50% like it
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Be Succinct.
of 41 votes, 66% like it
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Ice Cream Is Often Cold Comfort.
of 42 votes, 50% like it
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Some Solutions Require Ethanol.
of 43 votes, 53% like it
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I Like To Guest Star in Conversations.
of 42 votes, 55% like it
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I Fill Awkward Silences With Mumbly Rambling.
of 47 votes, 62% like it
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I Like to Get Down. It's Warmer than Flannel.
of 41 votes, 46% like it
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I Have A Love-Hate Relationship with Paradoxes.
of 55 votes, 67% like it
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(Re)possession gives you a new lease on life
of 36 votes, 53% like it
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I Don't Mean to Be Nosy, but Do You Have Some Beeswax?
of 31 votes, 48% like it
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When My Back's Against the Wall, I'm Usually at a Dance.
of 49 votes, 47% like it
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The Truth Hurts, but White Lies only Tickle!
of 46 votes, 52% like it
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My Successful Life of Crime is Based on Avoiding Meddling Kids
of 54 votes, 63% like it
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I Took a Trip to The Future and All I Got was This Shirt-puter.
of 48 votes, 48% like it
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Revenge is best with Potato Salad.
of 51 votes, 49% like it
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(regular ink) Daydreaming. (glow ink) Sleepwalking.
of 58 votes, 67% like it
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I Feel Monochromatic.
of 43 votes, 56% like it
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I am an Unwitting Pawn in my Devious Master Plan.
of 47 votes, 53% like it
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I'm not Blue, but I do feel Monochromatic.
of 45 votes, 49% like it
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Sleeping, Eating. It's a delicate balancing act.
of 50 votes, 64% like it
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Spontaneously Combusting Any Day Now!
of 33 votes, 48% like it
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This is a Decoy. I'm Behind You, Waiting to Pounce!
of 59 votes, 75% like it
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The Internet is my long-term memory
of 49 votes, 51% like it
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If you can hear this, you're reading out loud
of 64 votes, 72% like it
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I substitute Technology for Profanity, you Diode.
of 57 votes, 79% like it
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I don't know what's going on here, but it could use butter.
of 66 votes, 48% like it
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Never let ambition get in the way of a nap.
of 63 votes, 75% like it
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People who buy glass houses generally CAN afford to throw stones.
of 53 votes, 62% like it
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A portion of your attention is being diverted to support my ego.
of 55 votes, 67% like it
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Where are all the movies from the zombie perspective?
of 47 votes, 64% like it
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Running on oxygen fumes.
of 50 votes, 68% like it
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Last. Clean. Shirt.
of 46 votes, 63% like it
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I'm wearing a wire. Don't worry, it's well hidden.
of 41 votes, 61% like it
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