What's happening Threadless?! I work here at Threadless, and this story is part of my blog KarmaLampoon.com. This satire takes place at thinly veiled Threadless facade, withoutthreads.com. These are all Threadless people, my friends. My blog is full of them.



CHICAGO, IL - In a world of imbalance and unfairness we are lucky to find a company that gives us breaks from the chaos. Smoke breaks, and Wellness breaks.

WithoutThreads.com, a Chicago-based online company, has implemented a progressive new employee policy that is changing the way the world looks at smoke breaks.

Guilty of Not Smoking?

“I don’t smoke cigarettes, so I’ve never been given a smoke break,” said purist Shawn Monroe, “For awhile I pretended to smoke just to get some fresh air, but I felt so bad about lying I almost started inhaling just to alleviate the guilt.”

Smokers worldwide get paid breaks in which to increase alertness and calm their nerves. Meanwhile, non-smokers put in extra work without the option to naturally accomplish the same thing. “But now I get to stand right next to my cigarette friends for a few minutes and practice some deep breathing techniques,” said Shawn, “I don’t mind the second-hand smoke, as long as they don’t mind my second-hand chi as it emanates throughout the smoking area.”

Not only is WithoutThreads.com allowing the choice between, say, Tai Chi versus Marlboro Reds, they are also fostering a sense of community. They do this by restricting the Wellness area to the same entranceway containing the smoking area. “I think the camaraderie is more of a bi-product,” said manager Ryan Schiffler, smoker, “I just want to have a cigarette, and I don’t want anyone else to wander off and overmeditate. I can't deal with New Age shit, not when I got shipping stats to keep up.”

Like an Idiot?

When asked about the location of the wellness and smoking area, Shawn said, “I also don’t mind that my new Tai Chi spot is right in front of the building’s main door. It helps me develop my concentration when pedestrians brush past and hurry inside swearing about the smoke,” said Shawn. He was more optimistic than his co-worker, Armuelo Mendez who offered, “Shawn looks like an idiot.”



It has been estimated that most companies give smokers two five-minute smoke breaks per day, which is almost an hour per week of paid time off. Finally, people like Shawn Monroe can use this time to channel vital energy through their chakras. And if Shawn’s workplace ever gets an indoor break-room, he will also feel more of the 2nd hand energy from his friend’s addictions.

The World Follows

Currently, Armuelo Mendez and manager Ryan Schiffler are rarities. They are among the few smoking enthusiasts to tolerate people like Sean and his “Health thing.” Eventually, however, it is predicted that every major company in the world will allow Wellness Breaks. “But it isn’t so bad right now,” said Armuelo, “Because Shawn is the only one doing it.”

Concluded Shawn, “What presently feels like a Wellness-Inclusive Smoke Break, will someday become a Smoke-Inclusive Wellness Break. And if I can do it ‘on the clock’ like the other guys, I sure will!”